


Painting the inquisition

by Alexasnow



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Banter, F/M, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, doesn't follow games squence of events
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 00:59:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 55,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7018297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexasnow/pseuds/Alexasnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Landra has a gift that she has turned to a creative outlet, leading her to the fortress of skyhold</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Paint me a picture

I have the gift of second sight, I have often been told this made me a freak, be it a very perceptive one. Some are born with the ability to perceive beyond what is visible to the naked eye, I was born with this gift, or curse, depends which day you catch me upon. I guess people take umbrage with their pain being visible beyond the walls, armour and masks they choose to wear, for whatever their reasons. I took to painting to release these demons which more often than not we're not my own, a noble woman of high standing noticed my work, and commissioned me to paint her and her family, I learnt that people only appreciated my normal vision, so I painted what they wanted, pretty posed pictures, I feared that was all I would ever get to do.

I got to meet the King, he was the first one to prefer the honest portrait be it a sad one "I will keep it, but I can't display it in the castle, the nobles would have a fit" he smiled briefly. 

The only flicker I saw of a man long since gone, I wanted to help everyone I met but it wasn't possible, nor welcome with most. So I did my work and moved on, a new burden upon my shoulders, that I was powerless to ease.

I was becoming disheartened by the process, my mind grew heavy, and I no longer lifted a brush to paint. Until I received a letter, I had been commissioned by ambassador Montilyet to render a likeness of each member of the inquisition, for posterity she wrote. I had been in awe of the tales that had made it to my small town, I was honoured when she requested me by name, and she had apparently seen my work and loved it. 

I made the long journey to skyhold, upon my arrival the ambassador called cheerily to me. I took my time wondering around sky hold taking it the sights, I avoided the makeshift infirmary, I had not seen much of war, but I knew it was not as glamorous as they tried to make it seem. It was not all about honour and bravery; it was dangerous, gruesome and cruel, this reality made me skirt this area. I followed the ambassador up to the main hall, a few nobles milled around dressed in finery, the dramatic dark throne was the piece that caught my eye, and I looked to the imposing shadow it cast. I wondered over admiring it, knowing the responsibility that those who took to it bore, there was a temptation to sit upon it, but out of respect I pushed the urge aside.

 

"Ah I thought your artistic eye would be drawn to the inquisitor’s throne, many grave choices are made here" she added solemnly.

I nodded in reverence, imagining those who stood in chains, awaiting judgement. I had heard the inquisitor was merciful, some saw this as weakness, I however found this to show a strength of character, and this made her someone I was eager to meet.

Once I stepped into the ambassador’s office, she handed me supplies.

“I am sorry, you must be used to the finest, but we have been stretched thin of late” she stated apologetically. 

“Ambassador, you have honoured me with such commission”

I took to the supplies with eager excitement, setting up the easel, placing the canvass. The paints stood upon a table to my side, I readied my paints, my brushes, and water.  
The ambassador was a joy to paint, the beauty of the delicate lines of her face, the defined and regal features. A proud pose would have been the easy choice, but I had taken to realism within my portraits of late. I painted her the expected painting, the one she would want to display, taking my time. She rounded to look at the canvass, she looked nervous, as if she expected it to be some twisted hideous creature. She gasped; her eyes widened “You have captured me so well, you are truly a master if you can make me look so immaculate”

I raised my eyebrow, I could tell her distaste for her defined features was genuine, and it annoyed me all the more. But I understood that critical eye she cast over herself, I could see her clearly. “Ambassador” I chided. “You are a beautiful woman, do not doubt it” her cheeks flushed pink.

She stood in her mild embarrassment for a moment before she returned to her work. I continued to observe her, and I sketched another quick drawing of her hard at work, pensive, but there was an air of pride in her work, and it showed through.

A messenger walked in, stopping before my painting “Wow, that is a beautiful portrait of the ambassador” she gasped. I felt a sense of pride, but I wanted to do a different sketch to show the rest of what I could see of her, and not reveal in words.

She took the note, and asked for the messenger to fetch the next member of the inquisition to be next to be painted. I waited in a comfortable silence, admiring the décor, obviously chosen by one with a good eye. The ambassador was a beautiful woman, her eyes were very captivating, I saw beauty, and the raw real beings beneath, she struck me as one who worked hard without thanks, and without anyone knowing just how much she did, and how much of herself she sacrificed to do so, it saddened me. The door creaking open shocked me from the reverie I was falling into, I turned to see a very serious commander, a silver breastplate caught the light as he marched over, in a military fashion, his expression stern. He had not noticed me sitting before the ambassador, I didn't mind, it gave me time to observe my next subject while they were unaware. I took in his strikingly handsome profile, a light stubble adorned his chiselled jaw, his amber eyes focused, his brow furrowed, he drew to a halt just before the ambassador.

"Commander" she chirped.

"I would like you to meet Landra, she is a well renowned artist"

He turned shocked to only just have noticed my presence; he smiled shyly, his cheeks flushed. "It is nice to meet you Landra" he seemed ill at ease with the informality of my first name.

The smooth yet nervous edge to his voice, made me anxious, it had been a long time since I had painted anyone who put me on edge, I had grown accustomed to beauty, but something about him forced my eyes to cast to the ground hastily.

"What did you call me for ambassador?" he asked in a business-like manner.

"Portraits of the inquisition, and its members have been commissioned, you will have to pose for Lara if you have the time" she asked politely, but her eyes held a steel that showed she would not be dissuaded. The commander mustn't have seen it as he proclaimed "I have no time for such things, I have too much to do as it is. No offence intended, I am sure she is a wonderful artist, but you will have to do without my likeness"

"Commander, everyone in the inquisition will take part, please make time for this" she insisted.

He grumbled "Fine, I will see if I can find time later" he stressed, looking as if he had no intention of finding the time, merely a stalling tactic.

"Commander you needn't draw a halt to your duties, I can observe you in your natural environment, I am not here to steal the secrets of the inquisition. I just it is my prefer to sketch and paint people in their natural environment, you won’t even know I am there" I assured him, smiling cheerily.

"I think I will notice a woman such as yourself scrutinizing me" he replied flustered.

"You will soon forget, I shall walk over with you if you don't mind"

"Do I have a choice?" he groaned.

"No" the ambassador shot sharply, not looking up from the papers she was reading intently. 

I laughed to myself, begrudgingly the commander gallantly offer me to walk with him. I followed on, still taking the time, taking in the view of this fortress from the battements, the stark contrast of shadows playing about those who had set up to sell their wares, the horse master caring for his horses. I almost walked into the commander; I hadn't been looking where I was going. "Sorry" I muttered, backing away. 

He pushed open the door to his office, and rounded his desk, within moments as I had told him he had forgotten I was there. I took a seat to the corner of the room to have a good place to observe him, the lighting was perfect. The glimmers of light struck me as heavy, the darkness seemed to cling to him, although I could sense he was a good man, there was a lot of darkness around him, it seemed to threaten to swallow him whole, he wore such a concentrated expression throughout all of his dealings, be they with his equals, or his troops. He was an intelligent and tactically minded commander. He sat back down after a time of pacing back and forth, and pouring over maps, and strategy.

His cheeks were ruddy, he didn't look up when he called over "I can feel your eyes boring into me, it is difficult to work under such scrutiny"

"I am sorry commander, I am almost done, it won’t be much longer" I assured him.

He took a hand to the back of his neck in a nervous manner, looking me in the eye "I have a moment before my next meeting, be quick would you" he pressed. "Do I need to move?" he asked tentatively.

"No, continue with your work" I dropped my eyes to the image taking shape before me, adding the smaller details piece by piece, looking up at him intently.

"I doubt the ambassador wants a portrait of me working" he joked.

I drew my eyes away from work, smiling at his attempt at humour, I smiled. "So how long have you been an artist for?" he continued.

This was new, people rarely tried to converse with me, I was used to nobles who preferred silence, and perfection. That must be why I was craving the more real, and raw side of art of late, I had grown weary of the false nature of the perfection my clients crave in their paintings. And weary of no release for their demons that seemed to take to my keen eyes with a cruel relish.

"Many years, you would have laughed at my paintings I did during my first few years" I grimaced remembering my amateur days.

"I would not have laughed, we must all start somewhere" he offered his sweet nature clear within his good intentions. "Am I bothering you?" he mused aloud as a silence fell between us.

"No" I answered distracted by something off in the sketch, I looked up at him once more, and finding the error quickly, years ago I would have been clueless for hours. I continued "I am not used to those I paint wanting to converse with me, I am used to nobles with an air of superiority, or kings who bare such a burden of responsibility they are not allowed to speak with anyone beyond their trusted staff"

"Yes I can imagine" he snickered, as if he could truly picture it. It was nice to see him smile, it lit up his face, forcing a smile across my own lips.

"So far, neither you nor the ambassador alike to any I have painted" I had to clarify, not wanting him to think I meant him or the ambassador offence.

"Oh, how are we different?" he chimed, his eyes set upon me. I couldn't evade his gentle stare, I felt that flutter in my stomach again as he regarded me patiently, with a sweet smile.

"The ambassador was so kind, so welcoming, a pleasure to paint"

"I imagine I must seem the opposite, I do not intend to be discourteous, I just have so much to do, and this seems a tad frivolous" he finished looking ill at ease with his words.

"I understand that as a commander, your job is pressured, and hectic, so you will not get much time to stop and enjoy the moment, I intend to capture that for the ambassador, and for yourself"

"I did not think of it that way, not sure I want this to be the moment I recall. Squirming under the stare of a beautiful young woman" he laughed nervously.

I froze, had he just said what I thought he had, I had to be mistaken, he was out of my league, it had to be one of my daydream moments, wishful thinking I scoffed to myself. "I can begin painting you at another time if you prefer, but I think this sketch is taking a beautiful shape" I stated confidently.

"Yes I think you should come back later, when things have calmed down, that is, if it is ok with you?" he stammered.

"Yes its fine, where should I meet you?" I posed.

"Here if you don't mind, we won’t be disturbed up here, we can be alone" he winced as if he had just insulted me unintentionally.

"That sounds fine" I stated calmly.

At that moment a group of soldiers crashed in "Commander" they nodded. I took this as my cue to leave, I pulled up, and added "I will see you later commander".

It was only once I step outside of his office it dawned upon me, that I would be alone with him in the late hours, my stomach tied up in knots at the thought. I was both excited, and terrified. My heart pounded within my chest, I took a dep breath steadying myself before pushing free of the door, walking across the battlements with slow considered footsteps, I was unsure what to do with myself, I didn’t want to disturb the ambassador. 

I got the fright of my life when a gravelly voice called out “Hey dauber”

I had no idea whether it was an insult, but I waited for the owner of the voice to round the battlements. He was a short, stout dwarf, a scar cut across his slightly misshapen nose, it added character to an already unique face. He would be fun to work with, I could tell from the sly grin he was the only one with a firm grasp upon the necessity of humour. 

“Ah yes I am striking, I understand if you need a moment to take it all in” he teased.

“That could take all night” I continued the impromptu banter. “What can I do for you?” I elongated the you in hopes of gaining his name.

“Varric, well I heard you were here. I write books..” I cut him off before he continued. 

“Varric Tethras, you are rather infamous” I smiled coyly, I had read his works, and now felt mildly embarrassed to admit it, even to the author themselves.

“Yes, have you read my work?” he pressed seeing my discomfort, and taking amusement in it.

“Yes, I have read them” I muttered.

“Them, so you have read them all, always nice to meet a fan” he smiled widely.

“So what was it you wanted?” I added hastily wanting to change the subject, before my cheeks set aflame.

He laughed, shaking his head. “Ah yes, I was wondering if you could do some illustrations for my next book, I had seen your work, you’re a talented kid”

I raised an eye brow to the term kid; I had not in many years been referred to as such. I felt thrilled; my career was taking off in the strangest of places. “I would be glad to help you, just tell me what you want, and I will start some preliminary sketches”

“Really?” he sounded surprised. “I did expect you to be so eager, I saw your painting of king Alistair, it was rather dark, but powerful”

“He showed you the real one?” I exclaimed, shocked that he still had it, and had let others see it. I was beginning to feel a little giddy, a smile plastered across my face.

“Yeah, so are you able to do lighter more romantic works?” he inquired.

“Yes, I am compelled by darkness, raw and powerful imagery, but I can also be romantic” I assured him.

“Well great Dauber, I will bring you the book tomorrow, I didn’t intend to finish it, but the inquisitor insisted, and since you’re here, I figure that you could aid me in making it my best, and worst one yet” he laughed. Grabbing my hand roughly, and shaking upon it. Before he wondered off I had to know.

“What does Dauber mean?” I wondered, he knew so little of me, it couldn’t be a nickname, so it had to be derogatory I assumed.

“It’s just another word for painter, everyone gets a nickname with me kid” he called back before wondering off into the fast descending darkness. I began back to the commander’s office, feeling my anxiety grow with each step, and then I realized I didn’t have supplies, that would be a great excuse to rush off, and forget to come back.

I was about to walk away when his office door opened “Hi Landra, won’t you come in”

I stepped in thinking my hand wouldn’t be steady enough to sketch, never mind paint. He took a seat behind his desk, he looked a little rattled. “So do I need to pose?” he grimaced.

“No, go about your day” I offered.

He didn’t seem convinced, his eyes narrowed and set upon me like I had said something utterly foolish. “Okay I guess standing up is fine, if you don’t mind, it could be a while”

“Not a problem, I have stood for days at a time” he pulled up rounding his desk faster than I realized, he slammed into me, he caught me mid fall, holding to my waist. His eyes catching mine in an intense stare, I gripped to his shoulders, my breath hitched. “I am sorry” he stammered. 

Pulling me back up to my feet, he didn’t release me. I enjoyed the warmth of him, his breastplate pressing against me made me nervous. “Maker” he stressed before pulling away.

It was difficult to concentrate, each time his eyes caught mine I had to look away. I had barely managed to draw his eyes after an hour. I began to feel weary, my eyelids grew heavy, and my ability to focus faded fast, I jolted awake. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment "I am sorry, it’s been a long day, and travelling here must have worn me out more than I realized " I babbled.

He smiled "its fine, we can try again tomorrow" he suggested as he shifted nervously.

"Yes, so the same time tomorrow?" I posed.

He took his hand to his neck, rubbing it gingerly before stating "That's fine" hastily.

The tension had put us both on edge, when I stepped out; once again I had to rest upon the door for a moment to steady myself. Sighing as I recalled his strong arms around me, not a sliver of daylight between us, his eyes locked upon mine. It was like a scene from one of Varric's books I smiled wryly to myself. I held the sketch to my chest, hoping tomorrow I would either manage a to paint something, or find my confidence.


	2. Dream world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Landra's gift is revealed

I realized I hadn't discussed sleeping arrangements, I had to go an disturb the poor ambassador. I hesitated, thinking I rarely slept peacefully anyway, so there was no need for a place of comfort. I wondered the battlement, gazing at the stars, there light like a glimmer of hope long since passed. I watched the deep blue sky for hours, I never tired of the beauty so easy found in the natural world. 

"Star gazing Dauber" Varric remarked.

"Yikes, don't sneak up on me like that" I tried to catch my breath, the shock had jarred me, I held to my chest in a protective manner, as if I was afraid my heart would tear out and the rate it was drumming.

"Dwarves aren't built to sneak" he quipped "your just a dreamer, those types of people often get lost in their own little world. Josephine asked me to find you, she wants to talk to you" I nodded, I had to look twice, as my awe of his work had stopped me noticing he didn't have one shadow but three, the other two he carried with him, as if to cling to their memory in some way. I kept all I had seen so far to myself, but I realized I was staring.

"Look I understand you're all starry eyed but you shouldn't keep the ambassador waiting" he grumbled, looking ill at ease under my scrutiny.

I turned away, feeling as though the ghosts gave chase to me, and now clung to my heavy shoulders. I felt my steps were heavy, I had to look over my shoulder to assure myself nothing was there, I felt foolish as thin air greeted my panicked eyes. I took a deep breath, pushing back in toward the main hall, recalling the commander’s footsteps, I was no longer taking in my surroundings, I felt tired, my curiosity, and inquisitive mind felt dulled. My work could often weigh me down, it would always pass, but the nightmares that would follow would terrify, and often break my heart. The shadows would fade when I jolted up gasping for air, this cycle had repeated for so long, I had grown accustomed to being helpless to aid those around me, helpless to aid myself.

I pushed the ambassador’s office door open, she looked especially chipper given the hour. I was mildly irritated by her melodic voice "ah Landra I neglected to tell you of your sleeping arrangements, the quarters across from the hall, we have a few rooms going unused, I gave you the bottom floor room, all your supplies are in there, if you need anything else do not hesitate to ask" she chirped.

I feigned a smile, knowing my exhaustion was not her doing. I stepped out taking the second door on the left. I took to the only door upon the bottom floor, I crashed through the door, dropping to the bed, I paid no mind to the wide open door. The heavy weight pulled me down, I fell into the darkness. Another nightmare that made no sense, places I had never seen before, people I did not know called to me. Screams tore into my mind, I was forced to cling to my head, the dread and weariness forced me to my knees, repeating a mantra 'I will not break, I will not give in'. The shadowy figures slurred words I could not make out, it was then I jolted awake, feeling like I couldn't breathe.

The shaking took much longer to subside, this was getting worse, I had been ignoring it for years, thinking myself disturbed, with an over active imagination. It was beginning to feel like it was more, I massaged my sore eyes, opening them cautiously. The sun blinding me forced them to close them once more. The sun upon my face however brought back a sense of warmth, the heaviness fading. It was now I could convince myself it was nothing, just simple stress.

Squinting, I pulled up slowly, dragging myself toward the now cold bath, the ambassador had certainly gone to great effort to make you feel welcome. Disrobing, I dropped into the cold water; the cold awoke your senses, shocking me free of the pain within those nightmares. The cold soothed my aching muscles; I couldn't stay in the chill to long. I pulled up finding a towel at the side, I warmed myself back up, quickly diving under the covers for the first time, enjoying the warmth that took me, I snapped my eyes open, enjoying the comfort but not willing to submit to the darkness, I had only just shook it off. I focused on the room, once again able to enjoy my surroundings, I sighed heavily pulling myself back up.

I wasn't too thrilled with the ambassador’s choice of clothing; I wasn't partial to fancy clothes, or ruffles. But I had no choice; my clothes were ragged, and worn from the long journey. I fought to tame the ruffled collar, in the end being forced to tear it free. Josephine wouldn't appreciate the alteration but it was to constricting, enough remained so the shirt did not look too strange. The pants ruffled up as I pulled the boots over them, I looked like a pirate, I could imagine the ambassador would pull this off with grace and finesse, two things I lacked, only in my work could you see such virtues.

I was rather embarrassed walking out, but I began toward the ambassador’s office, she was not behind her desk. The chair looked awfully lonely without her person decorating it, the office had a different air without her presence, I didn't like it. 

I found myself curious as to where the door before me led, I pushed it open, it was heavy it took some force. It did not close quietly behind me, it called attention to my presence. I winced, awaiting someone to ask what I was doing wondering round unescorted, but only silence rang out. I followed this endless corridor of doors, pressing my hand to the next one, I pushed harshly, this door was not like the last, it swung out, the momentum staggering me coward into an expansive room. I was greet by three disgruntled expressions, I withered under the state of three. The commanders brow furrowed, Josephine looked annoyed, the third woman her gaze was like ice, I felt myself freeze as I was caught in it.

"Sorry, I didn't know where this led, and well, now I do" I squeaked, laughing nervously.

The commander rounded the table; he was very business-like escorting me out like a criminal. He saw the shamed look upon my face stating gently "We have important matters to discuss, Josephine will be with you momentarily"

With that he walked back in. They seemed to take an age, I had paced the hall so many times it was beginning to feel like I had walked for miles.

The unknown woman was the first to leave, she stormed passed me. The commander followed moments later, looking flustered upon setting his eyes upon me, I must have upset them all, now I felt guilty.

"Can I give you some advice?" He offered his tone shaky.

I looked up waiting for him to scold me, but he blushed and hastily stated "close your bedroom door next time" the blush of his cheeks colouring his entire face a light shade of red before he walked away.

Oh maker I cursed, he must have seen me, and possibly all of me. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole; I certainly wouldn't forget to close my door after that. My cheeks were puce by the time the ambassador came out into the corridor.

"What happened to you?" She asked curiously. "Lelianna did not tell you off did she? I will speak with her" she offered kindly.

"No she didn't say a word" I mumbled still in the grips of my embarrassment.

"I can't believe the commander would be so harsh" she continued with disbelief.

"He wasn't" I stated hastily.

"Oh, so what was said to turn you such a stunning shade of pink?" She asked with intrigue.

"It does not matter, who am I to paint today?" I tried to desperately change the subject.

"You will be painting Dorian, and Varric, I believe you met Varric yesterday, becoming fast friends" she smiled, pulling me out of the hole I had dug for myself.

The warmth faded from my cheeks, I smiled "I wouldn't say friends, he wants me to make illustrations for his book, the inquisitor convinced him to finish. When will I get to meet her?" I pressed; I had been so looking forward to meeting her.

"In due time, she is currently indisposed" she remarked, it was such a vague statement that my imagination began to fill in the blanks, she isn't be fighting demons I thought, shield in hand, blade dripping with the blood of her enemies.

The ambassador was waving her hand before me trying to get my attention; I focused back upon her, apologizing.

"Artist truly do have a world of their own don't they" she tittered. 

I followed after her, stepping back into her office, which was lighter for her presence. "Where will I find Dorian?" I inquired. 

"He will be next to the window, and bookshelves in the second floor. Head through the same door you took toward the battlements, turn left, and follow the circle steps up.

"Thank you ambassador" 

"I was going to say call me Josephine, but I have seen what you have done to my poor shirt, so I will have to get over that first" she stated half joking. I was mortified. 

"Oh maker Ambassador I didn't know it was yours, I am so sorry. It was choking me, I will replace it, I know many Orlesian tailors" I pleaded, feeling terrible.

"I will get you something more to your style next time" she smiled.

"You realize that the rest of your wonderful clothing will be covered in paint by the end of the day" I stated hoping to save what was left of her outfit.

"It is okay, I know you’re not exactly the typical painter, your known for skill, and your erm, how should I say this, your quirks" she added tentatively.

I was used to being referred to as strange, but I wasn't aware the nobles noticed anything of me beyond the end product I gave to them. They were more observant than I gave them credit for. I laughed to myself recalling that I would often clean my brushes upon my clothes should I have nothing to hand, my art my only concern. I must have been quite a sight.

I hoped Dorian was as friendly as most of those I had encountered so far, leliana's cold stare still clear in my mind, sending a shiver down my spine. And now I could not look the commander in the face again, I groaned inwardly, scolding my careless actions. 

I headed toward my room after bidding farewell to the ambassador. I still felt guilty about the shirt, I had a few friends who could make her something new, and they wouldn't charge, as I had done many merchants, and tailors captivating signs to draw in customers.

I loaded myself up with supplies, two canvasses under my arms, paints precariously placed in a small satchel to make them portable. I struggled out of the room, shifting carefully.

A deep voice offered "would you like some help my lady?"

I pulled the canvas to the side to get a glimpse of the owner of the voice. He had kind eyes although they looked dulled, he scratched at his full beard. 

"Thank you yes I could use some help, kind of you to offer"

"Are you Dorian?" I mused.

"Ah no" he smiled wryly "You will know when you meet him, I am warden Blackwall" he tipped his head before taking the carcasses from me with care.

"A grey warden?" I asked in awe.

I had heard so much of them, King Alistair was one, but I had not been allowed to ask him questions. He had been more than willing to talk to me, in his words I was refreshing compared to the stuffy nobles he was forced to converse with. I had never been too sure if it was a compliment, but I took it as such.

"Yes, I will gladly tell you all you want to know another time, I see you are burning with many questions" he laughed heartily at my enthusiasm.

He aided me with the supplies, making small talk as we went. Dorian was nowhere to be seen "I would find him for you my lady, but I am afraid I have to take my leave, do not think me impolite, I have to meet the inquisitor upon the road. It was nice to meet you, and next time I will bite you to death with stories" he offered before rushing off, I thanked his retreating form.

I set up my supplies, looking how the light fell, picking the perfect spot for him and muse. I then after eagerly waiting an hour slumped in to the chair aside the window. I made the mistake of getting comfortable, the sun warming my face, lulling me to sleep.


	3. Nice to meet you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra makes quite a first impression upon Dorian

Startled awake to see a very shaken looking man standing defensively, his defined nose wrinkled, his moustache twitching. He looked like he was trying to size me up, know if I was threat. I dare not move, he had his staff trained upon me.

"I am just here to paint" I stammered.

He relaxed slowly before adding "Maker next time don't scream like an unholy abomination" he chided, but a friendly smile played upon his lips.

"I was screaming?" I wondered aloud, feeling ashamed as I noticed the intrusive stares.

"Yes, and given the stairwell echo I think you just startled half of Thedas" he teased. "Well you have certainly made quite the first impression, but shall we try a more appropriate introduction. I am Dorian Pavus, and you my dear?"

"I am Landra, I am sorry I didn't mean to scare you" I stated nervously.

"You have shaved a few years off my life expectancy I should imagine, quite a start given I didn't see you, I only heard you" he began to laugh "this is really quite amusing when I think about it" 

My cheeks flushed, but his jovial manner was making this easier. So was finally able to cast my eye to him. His hair was immaculate not a one out of place, his clothes chosen with care, stylish without forgoing armor. His eyes were radiant, and his wit razor sharp. 

"Well then where do you want me?" He posed with enthusiasm.

"Just by the banister if you don't mind" I pointed.

I had to wipe the remaining fatigue from my eyes as for a moment I could swear I saw a mask, it was s hideous mask, a giant crack revealing little of the man beneath it. 

"So, you must have painted lords and ladies, Kings even yes?" He stated.

"Yes, I have"

"But none so striking as myself I will wager" he smiled gently, trying to hold a dramatic pose.

"They don't hold a candle to you Dorian, your noble brow, defined cheeks, and soulful eyes set you from the crowd" I was teasing him, but these were aspects I found made him a challenge and but also a joy to paint.

He was wonderful company, witty, a little conceited, but his confidence was a virtue that he wore like a badge of honour, he had removed the mask and he was proud yet shaken by all that had followed. So a shadow lingered behind him, at times stealing the light away.

I was almost done, it was a good thing to as poor Dorian was straining to hold his stance. I told him he could relax, he rushed round before I could hide my sketch, he looked to the painting, I tried to use that moment to hide the sketch, but he heard me motion forward "what is this?" He stated marveling at my sketch "now this is something, the painting is beautiful of course given the subject, but this is raw, and edgy I like it, may I keep it" he asked.

I had not imagined he would like my sketch, the broken mask revealing little of him, the shadow leaning over him.

"This sketch has a rather calming sense of truth about it, you see more than you let on"

I was speechless most people didn't care for my gift so they did not acknowledge it, they wanted to skip over the truth, and who could blame them. 

"Used to people fearing your abilities hmm, yes I often get that when I reveal my skill within necromancy, they don't understand it, so they fear it" he gave me a knowing look. "This has been a delightful moment in an otherwise dull afternoon, but alas I must return to my studies" his smile seem to come to his lips with a found ease.

I began to pack away my supplies, leaving the spare canvas, too much to carry. The painting I lifted with care, the ambassador would love this I smiled to myself, I took the sketch from the table without thinking. I began to leave "hand it over" Dorian stated as a mock stick up. I handed back the sketch.

"Sorry, I am used to people not wishing to see my other work" I coughed nervously.

"I am not most people, and if you have a moment later, I would like to continue our conversation, I feel lighter in your company, I can't quite explain it but there it is" his wry smile remained even as his eyes fell to the book he had begun studying.

I was certainly enjoying meeting everyone thus far, all intriguing beautiful people, I felt mildly intimated. These were the people shaping our world, making a real difference, while I spent half my time in my own, a mild guilt stung in the back of my mind. I was thankful I had no time to focus upon it as I had to take great care navigating the stairs with my painting.

I slowly and cautiously made my way to the ambassador, she grabbed the painting "this is going to be a wonderful collection. You have captured Dorian to a tee" she stated with a mild titter at the end.

The ambassador seemed to have a re-newest enthusiasm, I hoped she had slain the monster sized paper work upon her desk, and found a moments peace. "Off you go, bring me your work upon our dwarven companion" she shooed me but not in a harsh or cruel manner so I just took back to my room grabbing another canvas. 

As I stepped out I observed Commander Cullen rehearsing something under his breath, he looked rather bashful, I found it endearing. I allowed my eyes to linger too long, I had forgotten the earlier embarrassment for a moment but then it all flooded back, I felt like I should run, but he was too close to the door way, maybe he was too lost in thought. I tried to silently edge passed him, but he cleared his throat and stammered "Landra just the person I was looking for, I am sorry for earlier it was not something I should have seen or commented upon.. Wait that it not what I meant.. Not that I mind seeing such a...because you're very...maker" he stressed as his cheeks flushed bright red. 

I found myself smiling in spite of my own embarrassment; I gave him a moment to gather his thoughts. "I just meant to apologize"

I was tempted to be cruel and embarrass him further, but I found I couldn't "it is ok commander, apology accepted although unnecessary. I will try and work upon you later" after I had said it I realized I neglected to say your painting, I felt my embarrassment renewed under his questioning stare. 

"I meant your painting" I shouted back as I rushed off, we were as bad as each other falling over our words, I had been to lost in looking at him when I spoke.

I felt rather foolish, the distance eased it, I found Varric in the hall by the fireplace, perfect lighting for a storyteller, I felt enthused. As I approached I noticed his brow was furrowed "are you ok?" I asked before thinking better of the stupid question.

"Dauber" he rang cheerily, shaking the heavy thoughts free of his mind. "Take a seat, I was hoping you could just do a quick sketch for me"

I nodded, not pressing him, he obviously did not wish to talk. I took a seat, placing the canvass safely to the side, pulling out my sketch pad, pencil in hand I eagerly awaited instruction. 

"It's a very typical scene in romance stories. The handsome lead, takes his hand to her waist, pressing her to him, his eyes flitter over her form, her bosom heaving"

As he set the scene my mind wondered to this being Cullen and myself. Him grabbing me as I wondered into his office "I can't hold back any longer" pulling me into a passionate kiss, I sighed aloud.

"Who were you thinking about?" Varric broke me free of my daydream.

"Hmm" I responded still not registering his words.

"You have the love sick look, I was wondering who it was for?" He pressed his grin and intrigue sparked.

"No one" I stated hastily, drawing a sketch of the scene he laid out, passing it to him.

"This is great and very telling, can you make the hero look less like the commander" a sly grin now plastered across his face. He laughed raucously as my cheeks flushed. "Don't worry I think our brooding commander shares your affection, I saw the looks passing between the two of you, like awkward bumbling teenagers" he laughed again, crying a little.

I fixed the sketch recalling the cover upon his last book to distract myself from additional embarrassment. I passed him the new version. "Ah this is exactly why I asked you to be my artist, this picture coveys as much tension as the scene, now give it color and its first of many illustrations to compliment my last work"

I felt a little saddened to hear him say his last, but that was his choice, so I sat with my disappointment. After which I began painting Varric, he regaled me with tales of his own, some sounded a tad exaggerated but entertaining none the less, and amusing he had me in stitches. I barely got any work done when he began to yawn.

"It seems this long day has made its mark, I will be off. I look forward to working with you Dauber"

As he left, I was ecstatic to be working with one of my favourite authors. I waited for him to leave before letting the self-satisfied smile cross my face, I enjoyed a quiet moment next to the fire before it turned to smoulder.

I knew I should go to bed but I knew what awaited me, so I wondered the battlements again, this was becoming a habit. I took to gazing at the stars again, before observing the last few people milling round, some plying their trade others so deep in conversation they weren't aware of the time.

Cullen stormed passed me in world of his own, followed by his messenger, they both looked stern. Something of importance was going on, I wanted to press my ear to the door, but I chose to respect their privacy, and I wondered toward my room, I passed the ambassador’s quarters; she was hard at work, with no sign of an end.

I took to my room, finishing the painting of Varric, as I recalled each line, each shadow, the hint of a smile, yet a lingering sadness. I dropped down upon my bed, hope to fight off the heaviness that had begun to weigh upon me, but I couldn’t, I was pulled in unwillingly to the darkness.


	4. Exploring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding certain inquisition members missing or busy, Landra decides to wonder skyhold

Getting up was a feat in itself, I was so tired, my heavy eyes called me to rest, my heavy hard called me to shake sleeps embrace. I forced my eyes open, they strained, I was glad to know it was just a dream. The shaking did not subside even when I dragged myself up, I staggered forward finding water to splash upon my face, hoping to wake myself up, and distract my senses. I took a deep breath 'it wasn't real' I often told myself, but it had indeed felt more than real. I took a bath but being on autopilot I didn't enjoy it, barely recalled it. I dressed in a new set of clothes less ruffles this time, I smiled weakly, knowing the ambassador had heard me loud and clear after tearing her shirt.  
I felt guilty, I pulled it free of the divider that had been provided by Cullen's request to hold to my privacy, my cheeks still flushed at the thought of him. I shook my head, holding the material gingerly, I left with it in hand. As per my usual route, the ambassador looked more than busy, so I didn't disturb her. I wondered the battlements idly creeping toward Cullen's office, telling myself it was just an innocent walk. I knocked, the sound resounded back, and then silence, I pressed my ear to the door, no sound alerting me to possibly walking in on an important meeting. His seat was vacant, I was relieved, I had no idea how to explain my presence, other than the truth. I was too awkward, and felt far too foolish to tell an attractive man that I was now harbouring a crush. I chided myself 'how old was I?' I grumbled under my breath.

I left through the second door, getting lost, thinking I knew my way around, I did not. I stumbled through a door, hearing the soft ring of bards sweet voice travelling up. I took to the railing, it was a tavern, there were a few people milling round, I thought perhaps, I could kill a little time finding my way around sky hold.

A gentle disembodied voice whispered "their pain, it clings to me, it hurts me, I don't know why, I am helpless, useless"

I turned swiftly, my heart racing, those words were my fears, how could they see them. I caught sight of man, he was very slender, his long blonde hair almost in his eyes. I did not sense danger, so I relaxed a little, I was still unsure as to what he was. He looked strangely ethereal, I slowly wondered over, stopping at a safe distance.

"You needn't fear me seer, I share a similar gift, people do not always appreciate what we do, but we do them good"

"People do not like their fears on display, I learnt that. I rarely share what I see these days" I admitted sadly.

"That is a waste, you can offer them peace, but their fear and yours, now that you deny it, you take it on"

I was about to press the strange man, but he was gone. Maybe I had imagined him, I was under a lot of strain, I dismissed his words, and the exchange as if like my nightmares it wasn't real.

I descended the stairs, then I continued down to the bottom floor, the bards melody filling my ears with beautiful music. I turned noticing a handsome man in alone in a corner, in full armour, I wondered over.

"Hi" I stated holding before him so he knew I was talking to him. He was lost in thought, it took me dropping to my haunches to catch his eye. 

He was taken back by the sudden appearance of someone in his vision. He relaxed when he realised I was no danger, he smiled awkwardly.

"What can I do for you?" He posed.

"It's going to sound strange given you don't know me, but I would like to paint you"

"Ah your the painter I have heard them talking about, your not exactly what I expected" he confessed, blushing slightly.

"What were you expecting?" I teased, enjoying making someone else a little nervous.

"It doesn't matter, why would you be painting me?" He mused.

"You are a part of the inquisition aren't you?" I added, forgetting a lot of people thought my work a waste of time, frivolous, that burned.

"I am a charger, but yes we have aided the inquisitor many times"

As he continued I could see scars revealing themselves to my eyes, he was covered in them, as if he had been fighting his entire life. I said nothing, but realised he was looking to me awaiting an answer to question I had missed. 

"I am sorry, I missed that and I didn't even ask your name?" I confessed feeling rather impolite for not doing so.

He laughed heartily "the names Krem, and you?" He returned the polite late introduction.

"Landra" I smiled.

"Well Landra, take a seat, if you can convince me of the need, I will let you paint me" he added thinking he had an easy out.

"It is important to show all of those working to make this world a better place, no one should go unremarked. Everyone here is doing their part, and I think you all deserve to be remembered. It also allows others to gain inspiration, and it gives you something to remind you of that moment so you never forget the good you are capable of, as people often do forget sadly"

He looked shocked, he raised his eyebrow before adding "are you sure your not a poet, you certainly have a way with words. I don't know how you did it, but you have talked me into it" he still seemed dumbfounded by his agreement.

"Well I have one thing to attend to, but be ready for my return paints in hand" I smiled.

"I will look forward to it" he smiled awkwardly.

I pulled up, recalling the shirt in my hand. I wondered out into the warm sun, enjoying it's warmth tracing over my skin. I made my way round to the stalls finding and able tailor. 

"Can you fix this?" I pressed, looking to him with hopeful eyes.

"Of course I can, but given the material it will not be cheap" he stated curtly. 

"That is not an issue" I assured him, a little annoyed by his pompous assumption. But I held my tongue, getting the shirt fixed was more important.

"When will it be done?" I pressed.

"By the end of the day, this material is delicate, I must take the upmost care" I almost raised my eyes, but instead I smiled, stating that was fine. I was glad to escape his company, he thought a little too highly of himself. Reminiscent of the lords and ladies I used to work for, I brushed the encounter aside with the knowledge I would soon be painting, lost in my work, and getting to know new members of the inquisition.

I headed up the steps toward the hall, making my way to my room, my hand felt strange without the shirt in hand, I thought it lost before I recalled handing it over to be mended. I grabbed a blank canvas, taking a palette knowing I would be sitting down, so this would be easier to carry, and less messy. I had forgotten about it last time, I would still get the same quality. I picked my colours recalling the environment. I pulled up, and began to make my way toward the tavern, following the same path. I didn't even think to knock, I walked smack into commander Cullen who was pacing his office.

He aided me up from my unceremonious fall, he didn't release my hand straight away, he held to it for a time before he realised. "Are you ok?" He asked tentatively.

"Yes, I am sorry, you weren't here earlier, so I assumed you wouldn't be here" my words lost steam, as I grew flustered.

"It was important business, why did you want me earlier?" he added swiftly, looking to me curiously.

Catching me off guard "I wanted to see you" I replied without thinking.

"Regarding?" He pressed, thankfully missing the obvious, or worse avoiding it.

"It doesn't matter, I won't interrupt you, you have more important things to attend to"

"No for the moment I have a short respite, maybe I can walk you to were your going, will be good to clear my head" he smiled wryly.

I nodded, but I looked at the ruined palette, the canvass was thankfully unscathed. "Damn it, I am so clumsy, I need to go back to my quarters"

I expected him to wait in his office, but he followed me out, luxuriating in the sun, and peace that was so rare these in times like these. I was staring at him when he opened his eyes, his cheeks flushed "do artists all have such unrelenting stares?" He half joked.

"Only for their most handsome subjects" I stated in a sudden burst of confidence.

He paused a moment, his eyes narrowing. He offered out his hand for us to continue walking. I felt disappointed, I sighed inwardly. Keeping my eyes forward the rest of the way, stepping into my quarters, he hovered by the doorway.

"Come in commander" I offered.

He slowly stepped forward looking awkward, shifting nervously, he began to make idle small talk suddenly "using that divider I got you I see?"

"Yes so I don't offend the rest of Thedas" I joked. 

"I wasn't offended" he forced out. "Quite the opposite, I mean I" he faltered. I placed the palette upon the edge of my bed.

I turned to him, his hand had taken to the back of his neck, his eye contact now evasive. "Commander I was joking, I am glad me naked wasn't offensive" I had meant that to sound funny, reassuring, but it was stilted. I took my hand over his, squeezing it gently, he looked up at me shocked out of a reverie.

He shocked both myself and him, when in a swift motion he pulled me into a sudden kiss, when I returned his passion, he grew more bold, deepening the kiss. We staggered back onto my bed, he broke the kiss "I am sorry" he breathed, trying desperately to pull up.

I held his shoulders lightly "Cullen, don't be sorry, and don't stop" I begged.

He gulped, his breath grew short. This time I took the lead, taking my lips to his, he was slow to respond, as if shocked and unsure. But before I stopped thinking it too bold, he took his hand to the back of my neck pressing our lips closer. My body was alive with desire, his lips caressing mine made me tremble. He was so lost in the moment he began to grind against me, a guttural growl sounded from deep in his throat. He stopped short, breaking the hungry kiss. He aided me up to my feet, I was aroused and frustrated, I looked up to him my eyes begging for an explanation.

"I wanted to continue, believe me" he breathed "but I would like to do things in a more traditional manner, I know given the way things are I should take my joy were I can find it. But I would like one thing to be normal, one thing that makes me feel like the world isn't going to end" his sudden candour made me realise how dire things were, and just how much pressure was upon them all.

"Do you mean go out on a date?" I ventured.

"Yes, if you would like to of course!" His nervousness returning.

"I would love to" I chimed.

His smile was wide when he said "I should return to my duties, I will see you tonight if all goes well" 

As he left the last few words chilled me, what happens to him if things don't go so well I worried. I dropped back on to the bed for a moment gathering my thoughts, tracing my lips, they were swollen, I shuddered in delight recalling his lips to mine, that growl. I felt giddy, and nervous at the idea of going on a real date, I couldn't recall my last one. I was struck with a sudden panic, I was boring, I would have nothing of note to say. He would have many stories, I had none, well none I could share, or wanted to.

I dragged myself up, I needed a distraction, back to the matter at hand I thought before I over analysed this, making myself panic. I couldn't find the palette, what had I done with it. I finally found it attached to my back, another batch of paints ruined. I grimaced, but smiled recalling the events that had led to this.

I readied myself to leave, cleaning up the mess we had made, I giggled as I made my way back to the tavern. If anyone asked what had happened I would just smile, and say I was such a klutz, while enjoying the memory of the kiss.


	5. A little competition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landa enjoys her time with Krem. After leaving something strange happens that shakes her

By the time I returned to Krem I was possibly insufferable with how giddy I was, feeling the spark of enthusiasm from the adrenaline rush. Cullen's lips, and weight upon me still playing in my mind like it was a distant daydream, I touched my lips savouring the vivid memory. I didn't share the reasoning behind my smile, maybe I was afraid to believe something good was possible for me, whatever my reasoning I remained tight-lipped. The longer I spoke to Krem I began to notice that I was flirting; the boost in confidence wouldn't last so I took full advantage. Krem's cheeks were a delightful shade of red at first, but he soon began to relax. When I finally finished both my painting, and sketch, Krem pulled up and slowly peered round at the painting, not seeing the sketch at first, and I didn't even attempt to hide it. Krem was narrowing his eyes, looking at the face as if he had never seen it before.

"You don't like it?" I ventured.

"No its I am not used to others seeing me as I see myself, and what's this?" he pointed to the sketch left aside the easel.

"Ah sorry, that's a rough sketch" I stated with embarrassment, and shame, trying to hide it.

"I am not above frisking you for it" he smiled, cheeks flushed.

"Maybe that is what I am hoping for" I stated with a wry smile.

Krem had seemed so shy at first, so I expected this comment would make him back off, allowing me to hide the sketch, hiding it in the shadows were it belonged. But instead he stepped closer, pulling off his armoured gloves "Last chance before I resort to less than gentlemanly methods" he stated boldly.

I was a little taken back, unsure whether I should just hand over the sketch, or hold off. I held still and silent, the sketch under my belt, Krem leaned in taking his hands to my waist, I wanted him to continue, as I felt a spark "Okay you win" I handed over the sketch.

"You ruined my fun" he grumbled.

His frustration faded when he looked at the sketch intently, his eyes missed over. This was the reason I did not show people my true work, it either made them cry, or turn upon me. I had not meant to hurt him, I dared a glance over at him, his eyes narrowed. When he took to a table in the corner my stomach turned, I had offended him, damn it my embolden nature made me slip up. I chided myself until he motioned for me to join him, I wasn't sure whether to sigh with relief, or be worried. I wearily approached taking a seat across from him "Who told you about all of these scars?" he pressed.

His tone difficult to read, as was his expression, there was a hint of annoyance. I could read people like a book, but once I was flustered it was often difficult to tell whether the fear was mine or theirs. "No one told me" I assured him, missing the flirtation and tension, this put my on edge.

"Is this a joke at my expense?" he accused seeming very unsure of me in that moment.

"No, I.." I was unsure how to explain my gift as I had hidden for so long. Eventually in frustration I declared "You wouldn't believe me if I told you" 

"Try me" he pressed.

So I did, I told him all I knew of my gifts, and all there supposed origins, as nothing was fact, all just possibilities. When I finally stopped talking, he was scrutinizing my face as if to assure himself I wasn't making it up, or crazy. I have no idea which truth he had decided upon, but he took my hand and stated "You don't have to hide with me" no one had been so accepting, most laughed aloud, others had chased me away, none had been so sincere and empathic. I was taken back. A rush of guilt took me, recalling the kiss with Cullen, my confidence was leading me to be a little too bold.

“Krem..” I started.

“No need to finish that sentence, I know that look” he stated with a heavy sigh.

“Wait a minute, I just wanted to be honest about something, would you please sit back down” I offered haughtily.

He looked at me eyebrow raised, a mild curiosity sparked in his eyes, so he decided to sit down only to satisfy it. He looked to me to continue “I kissed Cullen”

“You did what?” An amused roar sparked up behind us.

“Boss, this is a private conversation” Krem uttered in annoyance, taking his hand to his face.

“Haha so your bringing the shy ones out of their shells aye” he snickered.

I turned to were the voice emanated, about to give this solider a piece of my mind. My cheeks were red with embarrassment, and guilt, I hadn’t meant that to be common knowledge. But my words faltered when my eyes met a stone wall of chest, I had to strain my neck to finally see his face. I had not seen a quarini up close, I felt dwarfed by his shadow. He had a friendly smile and a raucous laugh, he would be intriguing to paint, and see the truth of him, but now I was still so embarrassed I could barely focus.

“Don’t be intimidated by Bull Landra, he is a softy really” Krem tried to reassure me seeing my shocked expression.

“And you need not worry lad, your girl makes her off limits”

“We hadn’t gotten that far” Krem grimaced as Bull continued.

“The tension between you two is palpable” he laughed raucously

“Do you not mind that I am to see the commander tonight?” I ventured, not liking the idea of leading him on.

"I think our commander should expect a little healthy competition for a lovely young lady, and may the best man win" Bull cheered smacking krem heartily across the back, slightly winding him before he finally left us to talk alone.

“I am used to fighting for what I want, Cullen doesn’t stand a chance” Krem broke the strained silence, punctuating it with a striking smile.

I felt the warmth return to my cheeks, I had never had this much attention. Two attractive men vying for my hand, I couldn’t say I had ever had one suitor if that was the term, never mind two. I wondered how Cullen would take it, as I wanted to be honest. I left after making a date with Krem, still a little unsure of myself as I left the painting in ambassador’s empty office.

I changed into a new plain tunic, sadly I had nothing date worthy, so this would have to do. I felt a little nervous, I couldn’t recall my last date, it had been too long ago. I wrung my hands as I decided whether to knock upon the Commanders door, I finally built up the courage. The knock sounded out, and fell to silence. I pushed the door open, the dark empty office replaced my nerves with a sinking feeling, the longer I looked into the darkness, the more the shadows seemed to take shape, dancing before my unfocused eyes. I jolted back letting the door slam, my heart hammering, it may have been a trick of the light but it had looked like a shadow reaching for me.

Whether it was my over active imagination or not, I felt more comfortable away from the empty office. I crossed the battlements at speed, shaking a little. I stepped into the hall “Maker Landra you look like you’ve seen a ghost” Varric’s voice barely reaching me even though he was right next to me.

I felt distant, like I had to work to pull myself back to this world. I took a deep breath, my focus returning. “Sit down” Varric didn’t offer, he ordered seeing how shaken I looked.

I only managed to speak in garbled speech at first, one word escaped that was audible, and clear. “help”

Varric had the patience of a saint as he waited for me to calm my nerves, and find my voice. It had been a strange cold feeling, like slipping away; it was not death, but something darker. The darkness had receded for now. I felt foolish, but weary, casting an eye over my shoulder, as if expecting something to appear to drag me away, where I had no notion of, nor did I wish to.

“What in andraste’s name was that about?” Varric finally could hold back no longer.

“I don’t know” I stammered.

This had not happened to me in a long time, I didn’t understand it then, and now I was just as clueless, but the fear was greater. I looked into the fireplace watching the flames dance, soothing my frayed nerves, I rare got sleep, but this time I would not be able to rest. As now I had to worry for myself as well as the missing Commander, I hoped he was safe. I hoped I was safe, I wanted to believe it, but I felt so unsure of both of our fates that I did something I never did, I prayed.


	6. The truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra finds herself in a strange place, and is told a small part of the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are a Solas lover be warned that the portrayal of him within this is dark

“You had us worried there for a moment Dauber, you looked strange” Varric continued to stare wearily at me.

The strange pull had faded, I sat back not out of comfort but my muscles ached as if I had been in a long fought battle. Varric wondered out of sight and whispered “Inquisitor get chuckles he is well versed in the strange, he will figure something out”  
I jolted round hoping to catch a glimpse of the illustrious inquisitor but by the time I turned around she was but a distant blur, I would have felt more disappointed was I not still weakened by this unknown phenomenon. By the time she returned I was half asleep, as I feared to let myself drift, I refused. “It’s the strangest thing Varric, he flat out refused” She exclaimed in utter confusion beside me.

“What, the kid needs help” Varric growled.

I half smiled at his kindness, once he took to you, he was alike a true friend. I had not had one of those in a long time, most feared or shunned me.

I tried to fight the wave of tiredness, but it was too strong, that drifting sensation frightened me. I opened my eyes not in great hall but a strange place, a strange mist surrounding me and unusual rock formations jutting out beside me, and as far as the eye could see. Some of the rocks floated above me as if it was normal to defy gravity, I withdrew from there shadow fearing they would fall, but they did not. This place was not a dream, nor was it real, but it seemed familiar. The silence was deafening, I feared wondering lest I become lost in this strange place, but to remain in one place felt more dangerous, and so I walked forward cautiously. With each step I feared the ground would not be beneath my feet, the mist was lifting, and this place was becoming clearer in sight, but I still had no idea where I was, I only knew I needed to escape.

I had the urge to glance over my shoulder, as I did I saw a clawed hand reaching for my shoulder; I jolted forward, tumbling to ground. Now crawling backwards I could see my attacker. I wished this to be a dream willing the hideous beast to disappear, closing my eyes and opening them again only to see it draw closer. I wanted to scream, but something told me to withhold it, I kept a terrified eye upon the hulking twisted creature, it was not human in face, but form it was reminiscent of being human. Its face was mutated in some diseased fashion, its horse disembodied voice called “You look weary let me help you rest”

Its voice became hypnotic, I felt my eyes heavy. I somehow managed to pull up, and run for my life, the demon following after me. It was not the only one; soon there were a sea of frightening beings, and faces chasing after me, calling to me with promises. I wanted to give in, I was exhausted, and I was running out of ground. My heart was pounding so heavily in my chest I feared it would give out, and my muscles grew heavy with the pace I was forcing.  
It was then a more grounded voice called “follow me seer”

I did not know if I could trust the blinding light before me, but it was that or a sea of demons, I hope I was choosing the lesser of the evils. The light took some time to recede from the being, revealing a tall slender male elf, with a regal look to him. I could sense great power, I feared this meant I had chosen the insidious danger, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, steady myself despite there being no air to sustain, or the need for it which was alien to me.

“Yes it is strange at first there being no need for breath to sustain you” he stated dismissively as if I should already be aware of this trivial point, why make him waste time upon it.

“What are you?” I ventured, fear and curiosity driving my question.

“I an elf” he answered plainly.

I was annoyed at his condescending tone, emboldened by this I added “You are not just an elf, I can see that”

“Ah yes of course your gift” he stated amid laughter “But do you know what you are?” he posed with a smug grin.

“I have sight beyond that of others” I stated through gritted teeth.

“Do you think that is all?” he mocked. “There is so much more to it, do you know where you are?” he mused.

He looked amused at my ignorance, I shook my head. “But you know you have been here before” he pressed.

I nodded, no longer wishing to engage myself in this game, but what choice did I have. So I looked back to him, his eyes alight. “This is the fade, I brought you here to show you the truth and to warn you from revealing it, I brought you here, and I can leave you here”

The prospect of being left alone here filled me with a dread I could not put into words, my eyes widened and set upon him pleading. “I will not leave you here, but I will need you word, and allegiance, should you breathe a word of this I will return you to this place”  
“Why are they after me?” I wondered aloud.

“The demons sense the pain you take on from others, the nightmares you suffer are not your own, should you hold to your silence I will teach you how to handle your gift. In my time seers were revered, but not free beings, I would be truly revered to have one at my side”

He spoke of me as if I was a mere trinket; I felt fury burn within me. “Ah yes I would be careful, the demons can feel your stronger emotions”

He gripped my shoulders turning me to face a demon clawing at the barrier he held in place, the demon was a flame, its eyes could barely be seen amongst the fire, but they were locked upon me. My heart lurched with its desperation to get at me. He turned me back to him, hoping he had indeed proved his point. I felt a strange warmth upon my forehead as his palm took to it, I winced. He held me in place as the burning flared upon my skin; I balled my fists to hold back the screams that threated to escape. The pain finally passed, he released me and added “Remember your pledge to me seer, and stay away from the inquisitor, she does not need you confusing her further”

With those ominous words still ringing in my ears, I jolted up in the chair beside the fire. I had to pinch myself to assure myself I was truly awake, even then I wasn’t wholly convinced. I wearily looked to Varric, his expression a mask of concern and curiosity “Dauber are you ok?”

“Yes, I am fine” I lied convincingly, feeling guilty for it, but I was glad to see him relax.

“Don’t keep doing that to us, there are so many strange things going on, I thought you would be immune to them kid, I guess not” he sighed heavily.

“I am ok Varric, I guess these long days get to me, I don’t sleep very well” I confessed.

“We have a fleet of mages who could whip you up something” he offered.

“I don’t like the idea of something bringing on sleep” I added knowing I feared not waking back up, even more so after my short hellish time in the fade.

The demon horde chasing me was ingrained in my mind, the elf had certainly proven his point, I was petrified, and my fear was holding my tongue from revealing a word, thought something told me I should, I found I was unable.

I smiled at Varric, who had spent a sleepless night keeping an eye on me. He looked weary “Varric, should you not rest?” I pressed.

“I wouldn’t get a wink anyway, I had to be sure you were ok, you were shaking the whole time you were asleep, I had no idea what was going on, and here you can never be too careful”  
“Thank you Varric, I don’t think I deserve it, but thank you”  
“Just doing my job kid” he dismissed my appreciation, his cheeks flushed. “I know what would do you good getting out of here, you can meet my friend Hawke, you will love her” he exclaimed.

I couldn’t bring myself to refuse as exhausted as I was, putting distance between me and skyhold sounded appealing. I nodded, quickly retuning to my room, cleaning up, and dressing hastily. I wanted to escape; I needed to around people not as a seer but a friend, and Varric had certainly been that to me so far, even though I was undeserving, even more so now that I was holding something back from him.

I took my hand to forehead, a sharp pain shot through me; I pulled back my fringe, and looked into the reflective surface to see a strange tattoo marring my forehead. I had seen these upon elves, but none alike this one, I did not know what it meant beyond I was marked to the service of that strange elf. This mark would remain a warning to me, one I would see daily. I covered it with my fringe which was long enough to hide it, what if someone saw it, how would I explain it. I would be forced to tell more lies, and I was already sick of them.

I readied myself to leave, wanting to be far from here.


	7. A reunion interrupted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reunion of varric's friends takes a turn when an uninvited guest makes an appearance

I let Varric take the lead on what he was referring to as a reunion of sorts, ha was not sure how many of them would actually show, either way he assured me it would be fun and a much needed break from the madness. Saddling two horses, varric's a little less beastly I'm stature as he put it, I trotted behind him, as he regaled me with stories of this Hawke in preparation to meet her, they only served to make me nervous to meet this hero, I was a mere painter. My forehead seemed to burn in response to the thought, a reminder that I was more, and now a pawn in a game I didn't wish to play.

I ignored the burning sensation upon my forehead as it continued, I didn't want to draw attention to it, and be forced to tell yet more lies. I felt I could breathe a little easier as Skyhold became one with the horizon, now forward to wherever this meeting was to take place. I felt I did not fit in such a group of brave men and women, they shaped the world I merely observed it, I took a deep breath steeling what little nerve I possessed.

Varric began to slow as we drew close to the town, we dismounted in front of the local tavern. It looked like a quite small town, out of the way, must be why he picked it. I continued to follow his lead, taking a seat in a big corner section.

"Comfortable even if it's just us Dauber" he smiled, but I could see how hopeful he was to see them again if just once.

I knew nothing of them only tales, so whatever turn their lives had taken may keep them busy. I hoped for varric's sake a few showed, but I felt guilty hoping they wouldn't show, I was not worthy of such company. I knew Varric was a hero to, but I felt at ease around him, he had a way of making you feel comfortable. His cheerful disposition and his ability to capture your imagination with his tales was all part of his charm.

I settled as he disappeared over to the bar, a deep voice ventured "Are you a friend of Varric's?"

I looked up, taken back by his appearance, his big blue eyes, I've white hair, and strange markings burned into his skin. "Yes" I finally managed to stammer.

"Don't worry I am used to people being intimidated by my appearance" he smiled sadly.

"Not intimidated, you’re just rather striking" I remarked forgetting that not everyone was at ease with the way I just described people and their appearance.

His cheeks flushed, he looked uncomfortable and rushed off. So I had made a great first impression, I took my hand to my forehead, recalling the mark as my raw skin stung, I hissed through my clenched teeth. I quickly fixed my fringe to hide my mark; I was still working on a story.

A light lyrical accent broke my reverie "hello, are you a friend of Varric's?" 

I looked up to see a sweet looking elf Mage staring down at me. I nodded, wanting to keep my stupidity to a minimum. 

"He told us you’re a painter and very good one at that" she smiled taking a seat beside me.

I felt embarrassed by the compliment; I couldn't believe he had been so kind about me. "Yes, I am an amateur at best" I stated dismissively. 

"He told me you were modest" she smiled.

"Who would you be?" I posed realizing I had not asked her name.

"Ah yes I forget my myself among company, Merrill" she chimed.

"Nice to meet you, my names Landra"

Her eyes narrowed upon me, I began to wonder what I had said, her hand smoothed away my fringe "what is that?" She cried.

"I don't know" I replied defensively, brushing my fringe back in place.

"Where did you get it?" She continued to press me.

"I don't know" I stated again, much to her frustration.

"Daisy humans get drunk, do stupid things they don't remember" Varric called over as they returned. I was relived for the interrogation to be over, and varric's remark would be an effortless lie.

"Rather strange is all, looks elven and if I didn't know any better I would think I was the mark of the dread wolf" she joked.

"Dread wolf?" I echoed.

Finding the title fitting to the elf I had encountered who gave me this mark, I was curious; I needed to know who or what I was facing.

"Yes there are many legends he was believed to the only one able to walk among the gods and elves of power centuries ago. It is said this is how he was able to trick then, both trusting him. He betrayed them sealing them away. There is some debate as to his motives, some say it was to free the elven people give them a better future, but some say it was so he could rule them himself with no interference"

I was on the edge of my seat listening to her every word "please continue" I pressed, I needed to know more, this knowledge only frightened me, I wanted assurance of some kind, if it could indeed be found.

"The rest are just more tales and superstition, you don't want to hear that" she flushed.

"I do" I wanted to know as much as I could tales often had a glimmer of truth to them, as do legends.

Varric cut her short "that's enough of the elven history lesson, Hawke and Avaline are here" he chimed, his eyes alight.

I was annoyed, I wanted to know my enemy, but I couldn’t deny Varric his reunion.

"If I didn't know any better I would think he was in love" I mused aloud.

"You know what, I think your right, he did light up when she came in" Merrill giggled.

The other elf refused to take part in our musings, he just raised his eyes. Varric took his time bringing Hawke over, wanting to spend some time with it just being the two of them. They had couple like banter, and the looks were more than friendly, but there was sadness there as if they knew it could never be, it made me wonder why.

Hawke had the look of a hardened warrior, but the tragedy following in her wake was like weights twisted around her legs. I looked up when she was standing before me; I smiled "you must be Hawke" 

"And your Landra, he has raved about you"

To bat away the embarrassment I stated "and he has done but talk about you the whole way here, I know so much of you, I feel like I am meeting an old friend" I smirked.

Were the confidence to make such a statement came from was beyond me, Hawkes cheeks ran red.

"Is this your true talent to embarrass?" The male elf interjected.

"I had no intention to embarrass you; I am a painter I speak plainly in regards to appearance forgetting others do not think it so innocent. This world is full of beauty, I would be amiss to not appreciate it" I realized I had just made it worse, the male elf now looked puce.

Hawke burst into a fit of laughter "I don't think Fenris is used to be referred to as beautiful" 

"Can we talk about something or someone else?" Fenris stressed.

Varric pipped up a wide smile across his face "I will save you Fenris, Landra I would like you to meet Avaline"

I looked up at the fully armoured guard standing before me, her bright red hair and steely gaze made her cut am intimidating figure. But there was warmth in her gaze that made me feel less on edge.

"Nice to meet you"

As they took their seats amongst each other, I was edged out to the side. After listening to them discuss their lives currently, they began to reminisce, it was then I felt the odd one out. I would have drank away my nerves, but I felt unable to leave without appearing rude, so I slumped in my chair looking to the ceiling. Feeling myself fade away with each personal joke, and recollection. 

Then I did the only thing I knew to do when this lost, and out of it. I began sketching, losing myself in capturing the moments, I was drawing furiously, lost in a world of my own.

I elbow planted into my ribs shocked me "maker Landra you were in a world of your own"

I turned to see the entire group glaring at me, I put my pad away. "Sorry what did I miss?" I asked sheepishly. 

"Varric said you met King Alistair, what's he like? I met him the once he seemed nice to me" Hawke chimed.

"He is, I found him to be very kind, and enjoyable company" I honestly recollected. 

"See I knew those rumors of him being cold were just that"

"You’re a good judge of character Hawke, well most of the time" Varric gave a sly smile.

I knew they were referring to anders the Mage on the run, I was keen to meet him, he would have been intriguing. 

For the rest of the afternoon Varric and merrill made sure to include me, which I appreciated greatly. I began to feel that Varric and Hawke needed time alone, so I tried to get Avaline, Fenris and Merrill to come outside for a bit. Merrill and Avaline got it but Fenris was oblivious, I would have grabbed his arm but something warned me not to so I whispered "give them a moment"

He cast a glance to Hawke and Varric who hadn't noticed us all edging away. We crept outside, Merrill and myself giggling as we went. 

They stood in silence for a time, there was a strange air about them, like they couldn't believe all they had been through and that life did move on after. I felt the urge to paint the solemn yet wonderful moment, I pulled out my sketch pad, and began to draw them swiftly, not wanting to lose the emotion in that moment, I managed to finish it before any of them noticed me drawing away while glancing at them.

"What are you doing?" Merrill narrowed her wide eyes.

"Nothing much" I added the finishing touches.

She was swift, she rounded behind me and exclaimed "Maker’s breath that is amazing, Varric wasn't lying about you, you have such an eye for detail"

She snatched it from me, passing it to Avaline, and Fenris. They both looked at it eyes widening, both looking to me then the sketch.

"This is a strange question but could I keep it" Fenris asked tentatively. I had not expected him to appreciate my work given my first impression upon him.

I pulled out one of my earlier drawings "maybe take one of these"

I passed him a sketch in which they were all reminiscing, easy smiles, and tears of laughter. "Yes this is a lovely keepsake"

"Fenris, I never imagined you for being sentimental" Avaline teased.

"I appreciate true art when I see it" he gave a gentle smile as if realizing what u was trying awkwardly to covey earlier. 

He was about to ask me a question when a shrill scream sounded behind us, they all sprang into action, leaving me outside wondering what to do.

I against my better judgement turned to follow; a hand gripped my arm painfully tight. I turned to see a man in full battle armor, but the design was strange, his face gaunt and pale. "You’re not going anywhere sweetheart"

He dragged me to him, and then pulled me inside, holding me in front of him as a human shield. "We are here to recruit from the armies of Corypheus, hand over the able bodied men and there need be no bloodshed" he demanded.

Despite the fact that I was afraid, I could sense pain in him, not just psychical pain. "Don't make me hurt the pretty little thing"

He drew a blade to my throat, I gasped. I was routed to the spot. I barely got out the words "you’re in pain I can feel it" my voice shaky.

My feet would do nothing so my mouth would have to try. "You're the one who is about to be in pain" he scoffed.

I persisted, his grip loosened, and he pulled in front of me "keep talking and I will cut that tongue free of your mouth" his cry was of desperation, and anger.

Distracted Hawke managed to get the rest of people out, I however was in danger and the more I ran my mouth the more likely he was to lash out. My heart was pounding in my chest, my body shaking, but I pushed. He had been backing away from me, he lunged with the dagger cutting into stomach, drawing blood, but not cutting too deep. I fell backwards, I had meant my legs to run, I had begged them to do so. But instead they became a tangled mess, dragging me crashing to ground, I tried to crawl away. I could barely move my stiff muscles; I screamed when he gripped my leg dragging me back to him, turning me to face him, I cowered when he leant forward taking the blade to my chest.  
"You are not a lost cause Samson" I cried as he drew back the blade.

I had no idea where that had come from, but it had shaken him. "What are you?" He spat, furious at my insight into his pain.

He had dropped the blade, but took his armoured hands around my throat, tightening them, the world was become a blur, and the sharp pain about my throat held back my breath. I began to panic as things grew darker. Suddenly the impediment was gone, I breathed in deeply, gasping for air. My vision returning, clearing. I could see Hawke, Avaline, Fenris and Varric fighting back hulking beasts, they worked so well together. As too many of the monsters fell at skilled blades of Avaline, Hawke, and Fenris and the hail of arrows from Varric, who kept boasting he had killed the most. Merrill provided magical protection healing, and freezing spells. It was amazing to witness, only Samson stood amongst them, and he fought them back alone, he began retreating. Before he disappeared he called to me "If you survive this, I will come back for you"

Left weary, confused by his words, and shaken by the attack. It seemed there was no escaping my problems, as it only led to new ones. 

Avaline and Hawke aided me to my feet "that was foolish of you" Hawke chided. "But thank you for the distraction; I am glad you’re ok"

Avaline's face dropped "this dagger has a strange smell to it, its poison"

My face dropped, I felt the colour rush out of my fallen features. I felt my heart lurch, a mild panic took me when she said with grave urgency "Merrill help her. Hawke, Varric get her back to Skyhold now. It is shame to cut this short but needs must"

I grabbed at my back pack my hands starting to shake "have this" I stammered trying to smile through the fear and strange dull pain flooding me.

"Thank you, now leave" she urged.

I passed another to Merrill "oh how sweet of you" her eyes misted over.

Her hands glowed as she took them over the cut across my stomach. "This will hurt, I can only slow the poison, and your healers can draw it out"

She continued to hold back the poison trying to ravage my system; it felt as though she was setting the poison alight. I screamed and cursed, writhing in agony. The pain slowly dulled and she turned to Hawke and Varric "I have done all I can, see her safe, I quite like her"

"I will, till next time daisy" Varric quipped, with a feigned cheer.

Hawke rushed outside, handing me to Fenris "I will treasure the memory Landra" he whispered before passing me to Hawke.

I would have responded had the world not felt so distant, Hawkes features became a muddled mess as my vision blurred. The jolting motion of the galloping horse only added to the searing in my veins, I must have passed out.

My next memory was jolting up in my room, finding a hand holding tightly to mine. I narrowed my pained eyes; a blur of brown hair was all I saw before the world was lost to me once more.


	8. A journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra finds herself in dangerous company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eureka234 thank you for being my beta reader on this chapter :)

At first I could only recall flashes, the blur of faces and softly spoken words. Someone was at my bedside; an earlier flash of what I assumed to be brown hair led me to wonder ‘Is that krem?’But the voice calling to me now was not his, it was Cullen's. His voice was trying to hold to some semblance of reassurance, but there was a shrill ring of concern to it. This did not panic me it strangely soothed me, to know someone was watching over me. I could not manage complex thought as my mind strained to focus, but Cullen's voice became a constant, something that let me know I wasn't adrift. I felt his hand take mine; he was trying to reassure me “Samson will pay for this”. He hissed.

It seemed to echo in a disorientating manner, as the rage burning in his words rushed around my ear, followed by the heavy thrum of my blood.

I recall what sounded like chaos, screams and shouts, the words were garbled to my confused senses. I could only assume something had come to Skyhold. It silenced that comforting voice, leaving me alone in the void that followed. I did not know if I was in danger, but I was powerless to stop anything in my current state. I can only recall gripping as tightly as I could manage to my sheets for comfort, trying to pull them over me. I was like a child trying to hide beneath the sheets, I felt had no other defences. The fear growing as tightness in my chest took too much energy to sustain. The world went black, my final thought being ‘will I wake up again?’

I awoke with a start alone in my room, still feeling the ill effects of the poison lingering in my blood. I felt lethargic. Every movement was a strain. A strange low voice began to mutter, I thought it was someone in the hall, but no one entered the room, and the low voice continued to mutter words I couldn't quite make out. I attempted to call out but found my voice faltered, no sound, not even a pained croaked escaped. A panic set in, I took my hands to my throat as if that would find my lost voice, I felt no pain in my throat but my fingers pressing to the skin gingerly was felt so this was no nightmare, what was this incessant voice holding in the background. I grew in fear when the voice grew louder; the language was not familiar to me.

A man pushed open the door, I began to pull away slowly, it was all I could manage still feeling drained. He looked to me and held up his hands "Be at peace, I am but a mage healer"

I did not recognise his face, but it was not as if I could claim to know all who dwelled within these walls. I forced a weak smile as he approached me, his eyes were the darkest shade of green, he continued to hold me in an intense stare from the moment he stepped into the room, his eyes had not left me. It felt unnerving to be under such continuous scrutiny. He took a seat beside me, giving a bright smile, which did not manage to reach his dark eyes. His long greasy hair was slicked back into a tight pony tail, only a few strands wisped around his face drawing my eyes to his waxy complexion, he looked rather ill himself, this did not fill me with confidence. The veins protruded upon his furrowed brow as he looked me over. He broke the icy stare only for a moment.

“Where is the pain?” He asked softly, his eyes ever watchful.

I tried to reply but again my voice was muted. It was then his pleasant mask dropped, the rest of his expression twisted to match the darkness in his eyes. I tried to scream, this only made him smile in a cruel fashion “My spell has worked perfectly, don’t waste your energy no one will hear you” He laughed in a menacing manner.

My heart sank, I couldn’t move, or scream. His bloodshot eyes darkened, his sallow face twisted with a dark smile. With the pretence gone he forced me forward, dragging my arms back roughly and tying my wrists together, the rope burned as he pulled it tightly. My shoulders strained at the painful angle they were forced into, I cried out in pain, I know I did, but no sound could be heard. Warm tears spilled from my eyes, streaking down my cheeks. I couldn’t move. I had no idea who this man was or what he wanted, and I couldn't ask, or fight him back from me. I felt powerless, and useless as he dragged me from my bed, I begged to my muscles to resist but they betrayed me buckling under the force, I was so desperate that despite knowing no sound would escape I screamed, praying to the maker to give me back my voice. He cast me over his shoulder like a burden to bare. His shoulder dug into my stomach, making this horrifying slow motion moment more uncomfortable, it made breathing a strain. I was unable to see all going on around me , as my eyes were cast to ground, and the poison had left me barely the energy to breath, and scream silently, so I could not motion to catch anyone’s eye. I only caught glimpses of smoke, and rubble, this only alarmed me further. ‘Was everyone ok? What had happened here?’

I wanted to move, I strained, feeling only my face rush with heat, my limbs remained still and heavy like stone, this frustrated me. I could only cry, my tears staining the ground as we continued. I couldn’t even look back to see to assure myself everyone was ok, I was left with the fear that they had fallen. He escaped this fortress without raising an alarm of any kind, no one stopped him ‘did no one care?’ or ‘did no one remain alive?’ either possibility only filled me with dread. I felt my hope fade with each purposeful footstep my captor took from Skyhold, a long laborious journey began taking me further and further from safety.

He found a horse tied up waiting for him, he dropped me to my feet, the world began to spin. I felt him pull away, I called to my legs to run, any motion would give me hope, but nothing, they just wobbled under me, straining to hold me up right. He dragged me up forcing me to sit in front of him, it made my skin crawl to have this man so close. His breath against my ear, I would have pulled away if I could.

We rode for a long time, the world before me was not clear, I could only see green shifting before me. We rode so long that both I and the horse grew sluggish. The horse slowed, I began to slump forward. He begrudgingly stopped, pulling me free of the exhausted horse. He dropped me to ground, not caring for the pain that ran through me upon impact. Face to ground I writhed in pain, barely recovering I could hear him tending to the horse, letting it drink, and eat.

He pulled me up, resting me against a tree, the bark digging into my bound hands. He looked aggrieved to allow me any comforts necessary to live , I had no idea where we were, I felt too disoriented to focus. I could make out trees, the smell of the forest.

“I am not a bloody babysitter” I heard him curse me, he did so loudly enough for me to hear.

I wanted to shout at him, this was not babysitting, this was kidnapping. I of course still could not reply, none of my enraged words reached him. I tried to rationalise, and think of what I did know. And I could only gather than he was a mage, and that he was to take me to a destination, so I would at least live until then, so I had time.

I felt weary when he took a mug of water to my lips, I should have kept my mouth closed that I could have done, but I was so thirsty, my throat raw from screaming, or trying to. So I drank the water greedily. The slop he forced into my mouth was the worst attempt at a homemade broth I had ever tastes, it was so thick, the vegetables barely cooked and yet still tainted by the broth they had barely stewed in. I wanted to vomit, but I held it down. I reeled, leaning my heavy head against the tree. I hoped that eating would bring back my energy, the water and food provided no sustenance as my strength did not return , he must have seen my disappointment.

"Do not be such a fool your easier to transport subdued, so all you have drank and eaten contains traces of the same poison already inflicted upon you" he scoffed looking rather pleased with his cruelty.

My eyes widened. I could not spit out, or throw up the meal. I was weakened already by the poison. What I thought to be water was really a means to keep me quiet. I only made this mistake once but he offered food and water after his confession as a means of amusement as I staunchly refused, still unable to voice my distaste for him and his methods. He did not deign to give me any explanation as to why he had dragged me from Skyhold; he looked down upon me, like I was dirt upon his boots. He showed no shred of human kindness or decency to me, as if I was undeserving.

The first night we made camp he barely allowed me time to sleep, dragging me up after what felt like only minutes. I felt worse now than I had been before I fell into a poison induced haze. It was barely light, as I could just see him before me. As for bathing he dragged me through an icy river that morning, holding me under. I was unable to fight back at him, the ties and poison doing their job well; I was subdued, and too weak to escape. As I looked up at my tormentor through the murky surface of the water, I could only hope he planned to pull me back up, the idea of drowning, a slow panicked death as he watched my eyes dim was tarrying. I was glad of the water when he pulled me up it masked my tears , I did not want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me suffer any more than he already had inflicted. Remaining calm and unfazed would have riled him, but my body betrayed me, my whole body trembled from the cold, and the shock, my widened terrified eyes gave him the joy he was hoping to gain from this moment.

He created a fire, the flame springing free of his hands in a flash of light. This flame burned hotter than natural flame, so I found my clothes dried swiftly, taking away the chances of pneumonia taking hold, I was hoping for any escape now. As we continued to travel, I heard the roars of bears, and the howls of the wolves. All manner of dangerous beast that would have struck fear in me, I now welcomed. When seeing the blur of bears and wolves drawing closer, I prayed to the maker to let them take me, and end this torture, but he was a powerful mage, he dealt with them with ease, so to him we were all easy prey. If only I was a brave solider like Cullen, or a smart talking fighter like varric, but no I was a coward, and a fool. I was afraid of my captor, and all that awaited me, and I was a fool to willingly ingest poison, making things easier for him to hold me here, wherever here was.

My nights were filled with distressing nightmares, horrors of my own as well as those unknown to me, but they felt so real. I would awake knowing I was trying to scream, but no sound left my lips, it felt like I never truly awoke from these nightmares , that they just continued on, I feared I would never wake up. The monsters within the vivid nightmares were just as dangerous as the monster in human form dragging me away to maker knows where, both meant me harm, but one had a clear purpose, the second was unknown, and this made him seem the greater of the two evils. A dark span as fearful as they were would not drag out the torture or the kill, they would just end it all be it in the most agonising way.

My time grew short as the fields and trees gave way to a barren wasteland, the sun beating down mercilessly upon us as we rode toward an unknown destination in the middle of this dessert. I had always hated the sun, but this heat was all consuming, I felt like I was aflame. The poison educed fevers forced my temperature high, so high that I can only recall travelling for a short time. The darkness descending however told me it had been some time, it could have been days, in my disoriented, exhausted state I would never be sure. And there was no way of asking, even if I had my voice I was sure he wouldn’t tell me anything.

“Finally” He muttered.

This simple word told me that we had arrived, whatever cruel fate he had in store waited for me there. My vision was becoming clear, that could only mean the poison was flittering from my blood. But the lack of food, heat, and time held me in my weakened state. This was worse, I could now see clearly all that was to befall me. I was shocked to see Grey Wardens in his company; I had always been told they were the good guys. King Alistair had told me stories of them, and how he had been one before he was forced into the role of king. In many of my vivid nightmares I heard people seen wardens, and taken part in that tainted blood ritual that connected them to the darkspawn on some level. I barely understood those nightmares, but I recognised the symbol the armour bore.

They took me from him, the shame clear in their eyes but any kind of dissenting voice was met with a remark "This is to free you, she is no innocent, she will be a beacon" he assured them, and they looked so desperate to believe him, that they took this as truth without further question.

I knew his words to be lies, that false civility was the same mask he wore when entering my room in Skyhold, and like me they were foolish enough to buy into it. This worried me, I had been poisoned and my voice taken. What had he done to them? How could he have so much sway over them? What was going on here? There were too many unanswered questions, and his spell had seen to it that I could not sway them or ask for help. If I had my voice they would have only heard my pathetic whimpering, as I was beyond afraid. I was shaking uncontrollably, and my tears flowed freely. None of this moved the wardens who simply cast their gaze elsewhere.

The blood staining the ground they walked I knew was of their brothers, the armour was the same, only theirs was blood soaked, the blue stained with deep crimson. Grey wardens sacrificed in the name of what I was unsure, but there was nothing good here.

In the centre of what I could only guess to be a fortress, was a rift of bright green light, it was blinding, I shielded my eyes. I heard an inhuman scream, I felt as though that bone chilling cry was for me, something could sense my presence here.

"Are we going to spill her blood?" one of the wardens asked tentatively unable to look at me.

"There is no need for that. This one is evil the personification of evil. After the inquisitor’s interference there can be no chances taken. I told you if there was another way, I would find It." he told them all they wished to hear to sooth what remained of their conscience. I could see they seemed assured by his words, regaining their focus upon whatever evil task he had planned. They had no idea, or didn’t want to believe me an innocent. But he promised them that not another warden would need to fall, that I would be the final sacrifice. Their leader was the only one who was not following blindly as she questioned him. But he knew just what to say to her.

“I am saving your wardens. Darkness is draw to this one, she will make protecting Thedas from the blight possible while allowing the wardens to live on to keep this world safe.” He promised her.

Her furrowed brow, and suspicious glare softened, she nodded for him to continue. My mild glimmer of hope destroyed in seconds, his words soothed her fears so easily. Something strange was going on here, something beyond my understanding.

He pulled me free of the warden’s grip, dragging me to the rift "What do you see?" he whispered in a conspiratorial fashion, looking around to assure himself no one was close enough to hear us.

I focused my eyes, seeing beyond the mist revealing a monstrous creature making a bid for freedom. It was bigger than any dragon, like a spider it had many black soulless eyes, lidless staring into you, making your blood run cold. It had as many legs as a spider. At its side was another, this demon was smaller in stature and yet it inspired just as much fear. It’s head was a strange shape, no eyes strange tentacles hung from where the eyes should have been. It’s mouth was agape as it screeched once more, somehow I knew it was looking at me. Strange spider like legs protruded from its back lending to its already intimidating visage, this demon was faster than the monstrosity behind it, but it held back waiting for the other. I thanked the maker for small mercies, but this only drew out the inevitable. Its claw like arms reaching out for me from its emaciated body, an armoured skirt covered the waist down to the skeletal feet that hovered free of the ground, which gave it its speed.

I tried to pull away, but he held me in place, delighting in torturing me. I dug my feet into the ground as he pushed me forth "It senses you. The fears it can take from you will make it invincible. You will be aiding the reshaping of the world" he added as if I should feel proud or important for the role I was forced to play in their insane schemes.

The blood staining the ground here would only suggest one thing, something I knew very little of, but had heard nothing good of, blood magic from the nobles I had painted. And blood magic was never about saving the world, I had only known of it as magisters mad bids for power. And now I would suffer at the hands of this mad man, and his followers.

The demon looked right at me, the need for my blood rang in its cry, I wanted to run, look away, but he forced me to see what awaited me, and I was petrified. I could not warn the wardens, tell them they were being tricked. I was dragged over and chained to wall near the rift, the metal links felt so heavy, holding my arms down and in place. “Just in case you get any foolish ideas” he warned. “And the demon needs to keep an eye upon its last meal” he scoffed before backing away, amused by the fear painted across my face.

Knowing I was not going to no live beyond this night, seeing the demon drawing closer whenever I was foolish enough to open my eyes. It was bounding across its plain to reach me, my only defence was to close my eyes tight and not watch its slow but purposeful climb toward this world, and toward me. Even with my eyes closed tightly I knew it was there, and my mind could conjurer up all manner of demons, but the reality was as dark as the demons that cursed my dreams with horror. Now I would be witnessing a nightmare come to life, like the shadows this demon was reaching for me, and once it caught me, my doom would be that of all others.

I was regretting taking up the ambassador upon her offer, going from one hell to another, enslaved, poisoned, and sacrificed to a demon. I was not meant to be drawn into this inquisition, I was only a painter. Why did I not leave at the first sign of trouble, I was a fool, and soon to be a dead fool.

Once again I was alone but in the worst way possible, isolated and surrounded by desperate mad men and women ignorant to what they were truly calling forth, and its purpose.


	9. Here lies the abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra finds herself trapped at adamant fortress awaiting the demon army

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eureka234 thank you for being my beta reader on this chapter :)

I thought this was how I would die, and worst of all I’d take the rest of the world with me. I was terrified and yet frustrated by my own weakness, I had tried to pull free of these chains but the weight of them strained my muscles. The pain became so much, I could not fight it. I was no hero, no warrior, just a fool caught in the middle of something I couldn’t possibly understand. I found myself thinking of my old life, living from painting to painting, no real home to speak of. I had never settled, perhaps I was afraid to. The comforting distraction did not last, as the painful cry of the beast cut through it, it sounded closer now. My eyes and heart reawakened to the fear of the present hell that awaited me.

A voice cut through the muttering of the wardens over the stressed sounds of the breach. I dared to look over, an elven woman clad in armor, who was followed by that elven male I had encountered in the fade, the one who gave me the mark upon my brow, the pain seemed to flare upon sight of him. Varric was the only friendly face in the group. There was a human female warrior, she looked fierce, a force to be reckoned with. I daren't allow myself to hope for rescue. They pulled to a stop in front of the wardens, and began trying to reason with them.

The female elven mage was clearly in charge. This must have been the inquisitor I was yet to meet. She was persuasive; the wardens began to listen to her reasoning. As they bandied words I realized this was no rescue, they had no idea I was here, they were here to stop the wardens.

My Captor was infuriated by the wardens no longer bending so easily to his will; it was this that led to a new beast being called into attendance. A roar sounded as a large hulking dragon appeared, my eye was drawn back to the mage and the wardens, and I took no small amount of joy in seeing my captor sprawled on the ground, as the warden leader fired upon him then the dragon. When he found his feet I was disappointed, he ran but the warden pursued. The archdemon as they called it was not focused upon the inquisitor like intended, its dark eyes were upon me, but I was obscured by the light of the rift, which waned as the ritual was halted, it did not close but it grew silent as a small number of demons surfaced. The wardens now turned upon the demons and began fighting aside the inquisitor.

A huge stone-like creature of hulking stature crashed to ground. It turned its many eyes upon me. The slender shrieking creatures and wraiths all looked to me, and they proceeded to wonder toward me, eyeing me like they were starving. I still could not lift my arms, a cold flash saw the largest demon halted in its tracks.

The male elf looked to me with shock and then pity once he saw the chains, the metal cracked under a spell he wove with a mere wave of his hand. I dropped to ground, and remained face to down, my arms too weak to lift myself. I felt an arm under mine pulling me free of the ground, my legs shaky but strong enough to hold myself. "You cannot be here." He whispered.

"This was not out of choice" I hissed in annoyance, at the male elf I was now face to face with.

"I see that, I meant these demons will be drawn to you, I cannot guarantee your safety"

I felt confused, I had thought this elven male to be dangerous, but there seemed to be genuine concern in his eyes. Maybe I was misreading him and he just feared me warning the inquisitor of his true power. I hoped for the former as I wanted to live, and I did not want to be a tool of destruction to the world.

"Stand behind me, I will protect you" he urged.

I heeded his words, cowering behind him. The demons fell one by one, a hail of arrows cut through the slender shrieking beasts, who died with their claws reaching out for me. The male elf continued to shield me from their grasping hands. The wraiths faded to the blade of the female warrior, there ethereal eyes lingering upon me until the last. The final hulking beast, crashed to ground under the fire and ice of the two mages, who worked in tandem, sharing a quick smile with each other. I felt cold, these demons looking into my soul, had begun to call to the pain in me, my own and that of others. They stared it up until I felt like raw nerve. It took the male elf's hand upon my shoulder to break the sinking feeling, threatening to drag me into the void. I jolted as the attacks of the dragon continued, the impact sounded like shattering glass. The male elf saw this and guided me to safety, and when this was not possible a light magical shield seemed to hold the flames at bay, I marveled at it through my fingers. I would have stretched my fingers to touch it, but I feared it I did it would dissipate, so I held my hands firmly to my eyes as it was the only thing I could shield successfully.

He looked around him, then turned to me "be weary demons will not only be able to feed upon you but they can turn you into one of them. You're not like a Mage, you wouldn't be an abomination but a demon, a very powerful one given that the pain in you is not simply your own. We need to get you out of here." He stressed.

I didn't want to believe his words, I could never be a demon, but he looked so assured that I felt shaken by it. I could become a demon, the intense anger and pain within me threatened to change my very being, how could I avoid such a fate when these feelings were not my own to make sense of. How could things continue to get worse, from simple painter to the doom of all Thedas.

I clung to the male elf's side as we navigated the fortress to find the warden leader, and my captor. The inquisitor looked at me with an unreadable expression, then to the male elf "she needs our protection dahlen" he assured her with a term of endearment.

"Would she not be safer with Commander Cullen and the troops?" The inquisitor ventured looking to me as if a burden she would rather not bear.

Cullen has survived the attack on Skyhold, I felt relieved and a mild annoyance to the cold stare of the inquisitor. I was too afraid to voice my annoyance.

"She needs our protection, trust me" he uttered with such confidence that she was swayed.

I did not wish to remain; I wanted to leave this place, surrounded by demons when I ran the risk of becoming one frightened me. I still didn't understand all of this, and the fact he knew more than me and only shared parts of his knowledge when necessary annoyed me, he had all the power.

I looked to Varric who was the only person to smile at me; everyone else was put out by my presence. Cassandra I had heard them call the female warrior, looked at me with disdain "she is a liability inquisitor. We can’t afford to be distracted; the wardens must be brought to justice. She divides our focus. When I fight I do not wish to continuously worry about an innocent in harms way.” She argued.

"Dauber is alright, just give her a blade so she can at least defend herself if need be." Varric assured them.

No one was convinced but a new female warrior stepped into the group stating "if Varric vouches for her that's enough for me" she placed a dagger in my palm. I looked at the foreign object for a time before I clasped it tightly in my hand, keeping it at the ready.

Varric smiled and with a nod simply said “Hawke.”

I allowed the inquisitor and her trusted companions take the lead, but the demons were drawn to me. A demon approached bathed in flame, it's eyes glowing, the words it spoke into my mind were riling my anger. I felt immobilized, staring at the demon drawing closer. It told me to give in to my rage, to let it flow. It reached for my hand and I stretched out my fingers toward it, it's words were not in any language of man and yet I understood it clearly. I found myself responding to its call, telling me how freeing it was to be a demon, and how I only need take its hand and be free of all of this pain.

“Set me free brother” I found myself pleading to the demon.

Before our fingers could connect the beast was frozen in its tracks, and it faded in a puff of smoke. Freed from my trance, I looked to find all staring at me with mouths agape "what the hell was that kid?" Varric exclaimed.

"What do you mean?" I retorted confused, as I had not be fully conscious of my response. The demon had had me so entranced.

"You spoke to that demon, and you sounded like one" he stated his eyes widening.

"I don't know what happened, it was strange" I confessed, feeling anxious under their scrutiny, and thankful none of them had understood me. I had felt desperate to take up that demons offer, freedom from the weight of this agony was more than appealing.

"Is she a danger Solas?" Cassandra asked as if I wasn't present.

"No but she is not strictly human, and far beyond the expertise of our commander" he looked pointedly to the inquisitor.

"Is she a demon?" Cassandra exclaimed.

"No, but what she truly is I am unsure" he let the lie roll off his tongue so easily as if a mastered skill, that worried me. So his power was not the only thing he was hiding.

They all looked to me with weary eyes, as if I was dangerous. All but Solas, and Varric. I was unsure as to why Varric was willing to trust me, but I was comforted by it.

We continued into the fortress, when I laid my eyes upon any demon, I found myself backing away for fear they would turn my mind against me. Flat against the stone I watched the inquisition take to its task with skill and efficacy, there were a few close calls but they cut down the demons, luckily not many drew close to me even through all tried. The only demon able to communicate with me was a screeching horror, no face or eyes to speak of, the only visible thing was two sets of teeth from which ice spewed forth. It kept pulling away from the inquisitions reach frustrating them as it drifted away from them many times. As it escaped their attacks for a brief time, it spoke to me of the hopelessness of this situation, and how I was doomed to become one of them. I felt the cold chill of the despair it was drawing to the fore, it dissipated under the fire of the inquisitor. I would have thanked her, but I did not wish to make any eye contact with her given Solas's previous warning, so I bowed my head and pushed forth with the group, but I was not one of them, I was an imposition.

They cleared the battlements of any wardens or demons that lingered. This allowed the inquisition forces to push forth. When the inquisitor was asked whether she wanted cover for herself or her forces, she didn’t hesitate “Protect our forces, I want them to survive this.”

She was brave, and compassionate. She had yet to extend this to me, but despite this I could see how she made a good leader, had I any courage or skill I would join and follow. The dragon continued to make itself known, once more that strange glass like flame crashed against the wall inches from me, scorching the stone. I gasped at the closeness of this call. My heart was pounding so heavily it pained my chest. I staggered away pulling back behind Solas, my hands shaking.

As we continued after the warden commander and my captor, we found ourselves following a winding set of steps. Upon reaching the top we found the warden commander fighting with my captor and she was winning, he was spitting vile rhetoric at her even while writhing in pain, clearly defeated. I wanted to vent the rage building within me, so I broke from the group and rushed toward my captor.

The dragon circled, and landed just behind us. It would have made for the warden commander but it sensed me, turning its head slowly, clawing its way down the structure. I had foolish stepped free of anyone who could protect me, and now the dragon an opportunity to strike, it lunged for me. I was forced to dive to ground to avoid its razor sharp claws and teeth. I rushed away from the beast now staring me down, scrambling only to find there was no escape, only an edge. I had never been so terrified. I was now forced to turn back to face the dragon, its eyes dark and set upon me. I looked with wild panicked eyes to the inquisition, they were already rushing to my aid, but the dragon was already taking flight. I took my hands about my head for all the good it would do me. I peered through my hands when I didn't feel the agony I was bracing for and dreading. I saw the warden mage threw all she could at the dragon, sending it crashing behind myself and inquisition members. As we all struggled to pull up, the ground began to give way beneath us. I gasped as we began to free fall. It seemed a small mercy to die in this manner, a green flash passed before my eyes.

A strange weightless feeling suspending me before dropping to ground, I looked round, I knew this place but it felt different, I was back in the fade. I was not safer here; in fact I was now closer to the demon calling for my blood. I looked round to the rest of the group.

"Are we dead?" Varric's mused aloud.

"We were falling" A male voice interjected.

"This is the fade; I never thought I would be here psychically. The inquisitor opened a rift" Solas added in awe.

"Is this how you remember it?" Hawke pressed the inquisitor.

"I don't recall" the inquisitor confessed.

I recalled this place and not favorably, this to me was the demons playground and now I was trapped within it. I looked to them for some assurance, but they all seemed as confused as I, and unsure of our escape if there even was one.

The male warden who had fallen with us interjected “The original rift in adamant, can we return through it?”

“Seems like our best option.” the inquisitor confirmed.

The original rift in the fortress was the best option, but it looked so distant, and required us to venture further in, Solas was the only one excited to be here, I was not alone in my fears. So even the hardened warriors were shaken by this place, so what chance did I stand, I was a coward.

"The demons will soon sense your presence." Solas warned me, holding me back as the others walked cautiously forward. "Do not leave my side, I will do what I can to protect you. Understand I did not wish any of the unpleasantness of our previous meeting to happen, but I can’t have who I am revealed" he added with a semblance of shame lingering in his gaze.

His gaze became stony once more when the front returned, his eyes then only softened for his inquisitor, his dhelen.

I did not wish to reveal that as we walked I could hear whispers, as if spirits lingered as spoke their fears, or others had become lost here as we now where, their pain and sorrow was communicated to me. Their final thoughts and moments chilled me to the bone; the amount of fear was indescribable. Tears misted my eyes.

"Dauber, are you ok?" Varric posed upon seeing me crying.

I swiftly wiped away my tears and nodded a little too enthusiastically, he didn't buy it, but he did not press me.

This was a strange place, I held behind Solas but I found my eyes taking in the landscape before me. Nothing that applied in the normal world seemed to apply here, gravity included the ground and structures seemed to defy all natrual law. I feared the ground beneath my feet would turn out to be an illusion, so each step I took with trepidation and caution as I firmly placed my foot down. I tried to focus upon our destination, desperately wanting to ignore the pain, and sorrow being uttered to me. But simple force of will did not silence the poor souls desperate for peace; I wondered if I could provide it. I was about to pull away to take to the spirits aid when Solas grabbed my arm hastily “Do not be distracted, hold to our purpose. You more than any of us risk losing yourself here.”

Another vague warning, but I heeded his expertise of this place. I did not wish to wonder this place, the voices in my head, and the demons which were sure to follow made this place draining and dangerous.  
Finding ourselves at the base of a set of steps, we wondered up. When we reached the top we found a woman standing before us. To me she only had the form of a woman; the rest of her was bathed in a strange ethereal glow. The group seemed to recognize her, but were suspicious as to whether it truly was her. I was confused, how did they recognize someone without a face? I was forced to wonder if we were seeing the same thing. I felt no danger, and heard no voices, so I could only be assured she was not a demon, or at least not alike to the others here, she seemed intent to help rather than harm as she spoke attentively and honestly to their questions. I had a few questions of my own, but I held my tongue letting those more worthy take the lead. As if she heard my thoughts she quickly turned to me “You are worthy, the world needs healers as much as heroes.” She assured me gently.

“These are your memories.” The spirit pointed to the wisps. “You must recover them.” She insisted to the inquisitor.

The inquisitor’s memories lay before us, but before she could stretch out her hand vile spiders scuttled toward us as if the memories should not be allowed to be reached. I drew back to what was now becoming my hiding place behind Solas, I was still unsure if I should be so trusting of him, but I had no choice. Once the hideous spiders were dealt with I reopened my eyes, to find the inquisitor drawing back her memory. She extended her hand a fourth time, and what occurred flashed before our eyes. This Corypheus who was now searching me out was holding a woman bound in some spell, the wardens once again aiding the evil. I would have questioned them as Hawke did but I recalled Alistair’s memories and all the good they had done, so I felt for the male warden, and rather than holding my tongue like I intended I spoke out.  
"The wardens have done much good, are we all not vulnerable" I reasoned.

Hawke’s stony glare was turned upon me, her eyes creased as she began to laugh at me "What do you know of any of this?" she looked to me amused by my defense of something she believed me to know nothing of.

I stood silent, I could hardly tell her I could feel the pain of the wardens, I had mentally and physically suffered Alistair’s pain in nightmares once bound to him now mine. I could not tell anyone, no one would believe me, well almost no one. I recalled Krem wondering if he had survived the attack on skyhold, a sadness took me, my eyes dropping to ground.

The inquisitor interceded "This can wait until were out of danger." She reasoned, artfully managing to not taking sides while defusing the situation.

When we continued forth it did not take the demons long to come and search me out, their voices in my head. Solas held like a wall before me, stemming the tide of demons who either desired me to be their brethren or their final meal. They sensed power, and opportunity. I saw doom and death, neither option more preferable.

We stumbled upon something that looked like a graveyard, I wondered if I was the only one to see this. Graves marked by the group's greatest fears, I knew Varrics.

It was only when I happened upon Solas's that I was taken by surprise. His fear saddened me, and I felt compelled to help, to reach out to him. And in that moment he seemed so distant, and guarded, the metaphorical walls felt real, he was cut off, he was alone. I could see a weight upon his shoulders, the pressure of it holding him back from love, and friendship, forcing him to acts out of character. The mark upon my forehead burned, and for a moment it felt as though it was on fire. I took my hand to my mouth to mute any cries of pain. The pain faded as quickly as it had surfaced, I used the headstone to steady myself. These may not have been real graves but I could see an image of each member some unknown to me visiting their fears, some in the dead of night, others only in dreams. All knelt before their headstones, some trying to reason their fears away, others looked overwhelmed, their tears staining the ground.

Again I looked to those around me, and none of them were looking to what was before me. How could I be the only one seeing these images, maybe my gift made me able to see echoes of their pain that resided in the fade.

I found myself fascinated in a macabre fashion to discover the inner workings of all within the inquisition as I had yet to meet them all. The inquisitor's fear was deception, this was possible to read she feared she was deceiving them or herself, or she feared the deception of others.

I found myself searching out for my own, as I was not too sure of my own fears as I had too long seen that of others that I could never be sure what pain was mine. I grew frustrated as I was unable to find mine, did this mean the demons wanted this to themselves to use against me. I was not allowed to linger any longer, Solas called me to follow. I found myself glancing back at the graveyard which seemed to be taken from sight with a thick fog.

The further we drew into the fade a voice began to deter us by playing upon our fears. The strange voice sounded so close yet the owner was nowhere to be seen; it continued to taunt members of the group in turn. Solas’s taunt have been in elven but I found I understood the words.

"Have you learned nothing, trickster?, That was no victory. Your pride will be your death."

His response I could only guess to be a polite elven version of fuck off, that mild amused me. But the words used concerned me. This elf had so many titles it was difficult to keep up, which was the real him I wondered. Solas, the dread wolf or this trickster. He was keeping secrets, and he was accomplished at deception, yet there was mercy in his actions, and kindness in his words which appeared genuine, was he accomplished enough to fool even me, I could only hope no being was capable of such deception.

For me the strange voice simply stated in a matter of fact tone "You will either be what make me invincible, or you will be the tool of the world’s destruction. This is your only fate"

I found myself looking to solas for assurance; he saw the pained look upon my face. "Do not listen, the nightmare only wishes to distract us from our purpose" his voice dropped to a hush "Your kind was always revered for the great good you were capable of, it was humans who sort to kill you through fear of your gift" revealing a little bit more to me.

The words he chose made me sound as though I wasn't human, I had always thought I was. So all he chose to reveal left me with more questions than answers, I felt a mild assurance, but less sure of myself. And in this place in its strange air, and structures and pain left me more desperate than any within the party to escape. I felt a chill run through me as we continued forth, the inquisitor retrieving her memories, they were so clear, they revealed the truth of her escape from the fade, and the sorrowful events that led her to escape, another known as the most holy had had to die. I did not know her, and had never known much of her and still the sadness that emanated from the inquisitor and Cassandra washed over me. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the tears trickle down my cheeks. I could sense their sadness, but it felt like more. Cassandra was devastated but desperately trying not to show it. The inquisitor's pain shot through my chest, a pressure with a sense of guilt burning at the edges.

Her words shot terror through me "The nightmare has found us"

I did not wish to move another step, my eyes widened knowing the nightmare awaited us around that corner, the spirit remained with us and called us to follow. The group moved forward ready to face the beast, I held my ground. The fear felt overwhelming, the pressure upon my chest was now painful, I could barely breathe. A sinking feeling began to take hold, I felt trapped. I began to shake uncontrollably, I could barely form words, but I managed to stammer "I can't go toward that thing, it wants to kill me."

"You are not safer here kid" Varric tried tentatively. His eyes trying to catch mine, but I looked back to ground. I feared catching a glimpse of the monster if I looked beyond the ground. I had seen it in the distance but up close was different.

"Please Landra I understand your fear but do not let it take over you, you have come too far" Solas pressed.

I still felt petrified "I don't want to be a demon" I strained.

"We won't let that happen to you" Hawke assured me.

I barely managed to look up at her, but once I met her gaze I felt enough assurance to follow them. But once we were before the beast, I was again motionless. My eyes fixed upon it, it was monstrous, it loomed over us all. They all clung tightly to their swords, and staffs, I had the dagger in a vice like grip, my knuckles a pained white. I was a pathetic image next to their strong and assure poses. I was holding a small blade in a shaky hand, this blade was like a pinprick to this beast, it would not feel it.

The spirit left a message with the inquisitor before it's energy dissipated in a flash of light, injuring the nightmare, which seemed to have faded from sight. The second demon however, recovered swiftly, its scream as terrifying as its visage. It had no eyes to lock upon me, but I knew it was set upon me, it disappeared suddenly and reappeared before me. I screamed in terror as I couldn't evade its claws, and I had dropped the blade. It wrapped its claws around my wrists, closing in strange pointed claws protruding from its back. I cried in agony as they pierced my skin, sinking underneath. I could do nothing but cry out as the pain cut through me, and a strange sensation of my energy draining consumed me. The inquisition was attacking the demon, a bright flash of magic forced the demon to drop me to ground. I lay there still for a moment until the pain forced me into motion. I struggled to drag myself to a corner with barely the energy to do so, I dropped flat to the ground. Hidden, and terrified I pulled into myself, pressing my hands to my ears. I wept silently, the amount of fear the demon had brought to the fore was not mine alone, it was suffocating, I was barely able to breathe. The pain burning at the points the demon cut into me,

Even with my hands upon my ears I heard a final shriek echo before silence fell. I was being lifted to my feet "Maker, Are you okay Dauber?" Varric called, his voice sounded so distant, his face a blur.I felt dizzy, barely able to focus. I collapsed.

Consciousness returned to me slowly, I became aware of the inquisitor was dragging me along. The others leaping through the rift before us, vanishing back to the real world. Before we could escape the nightmare decided to pull from the darkness, we were forced back, so close to escaping but denied. The inquisitor was called to make a choice, as we needed a distraction to escape, and while she battled with this decision the monster continued to close in. I pulled free of her support, hearing cries of "What in makers name are you doing?"

I fell to ground, tumbling before the beast. As I struggled back up, my arms shaking under my weight. I looked up at the beast, hearing its words in my mind, frozen in place. Hawke rushed over dragging me up and racing me out. Dropping back to solid ground of the fortress once more, the inquisitor closed the breach, killing any lingering demons with it, banishing the nightmare to the far reaches of the fade, with no way out.

There was now the matter of the warden's fate, the inquisitor allowed the wardens to prove themselves by aiding the inquisition. Not many supported her in this, but I felt it was the fair choice, not that my opinion mattered. This was a victory despite the loss of life, the demon army was now beyond this Corypheus. As we ready to return I did not appreciate having to travel back to Skyhold with my captor in shackles before me, I had hoped him dead.

I was leaning heavily upon Hawke as my legs were like jelly beneath me, I was still shaking like a leaf. But we had somehow against the odds all escaped that hell hole, no thanks to me. She shift her hand to my back, pulling her hand away. She aided me to a seated position before she called "Inquisitor. Solas. She is injured can you help her?"

The inquisitor was quick to take to my side "Where are you hurt?" she asked tentatively.

In a pathetic whimper, I uttered "My back hurts"

I sounded so alike a child, I would have cringed if it wouldn't have caused me greater pain. The inquisitor looked to Solas "Can you help her?" she pressed.

"I can only do so much, her body will need time to heal" he warned.

"Do what you can" She looked to him with confidence. She pulled up and called out "Commander, we need your aid"

"Landra?" I heard Cullen's voice call, his eyes narrowed, his brow furrowed in confusion.

I didn't respond, I just looked up, and once he saw the horror and exhaustion upon my face, he didn't press the matter. He waited while Solas healed the wounds, the pain lessened, but the exhaustion seemed to grow. I dropped back against the wall listless. Cullen walked over, and lifted me into his arms, holding me close to him. One arm protectively encircled around me holding me up, and the other gently under my legs. His breastplate was not a comfortable place to rest my head, so I pulled up when I found a small once of strength and buried my head in the fur adorning his vest. I closed my eyes, the jolting and continuous movement of marching then galloping saw to it that I remain awake, and I was thankful, as I did not want to know what nightmares now awaited me. The pain in my back was enough of a reminder of the horrors that the inquisition could walk away from. But for me the horrors would follow me, they always did, there was no escape, that's why the demons offers were so enticing.


	10. The stuff of legends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra finds herself troubled and turns to the one person she had thought was the danger, now she wonders if she is the dangerous one?

Upon the return to Skyhold, I was weary but I needed to put my mind at ease. So when the commander put me down, I staggered toward the tavern. "Landra what are you doing? You need to rest." Cullen exclaimed, chasing after me.

I was nearing the tavern door, finding it difficult to breathe, but I had to know. Cullen managed to catch me just before my knees gave way. The world and my consciousness faded.

I roused to find myself back in Cullen’s strong arms; he lifted me up despite my weak protests. He lay me down on my bed. "What in makers name were you doing back there?" he pressed with a tinge of curiosity, but mainly concern.

"Did everyone in Bull’s company survive?" I asked feeling a little strange to press Cullen for this information.

Krem's voice beat him to it "Of course we survived, will take more than a dragon to kill us."

Krem was standing firm on the doorway. Cullen nodded as he left. Krem walked over to my bed, taking a seat at the end, turning to face me. "You're more than a little late for our date." He teased.

I smiled "Well it wasn't through choice trust me."

"I know. I heard all of what has happened. How are you fairing after all of this?" Krem looked to me with genuine concern.

I felt good but unusual to not feel like I had to lie and sugar coat the truth. "I am scared Krem, they wanted to make me into a monster. What if that's what I really am some twisted demon?" I exclaimed with more panic than I realized was present.

Krems hands took to my cheeks, he looked me in the eye and stated with such confidence. "You are not a monster, I can see you more clearly than you see yourself. I know you’re afraid and given what you have suffered it makes sense. You don't have to bare all of this alone, I may not understand all of what you are, but I what I do know is that you are a good soul. Will you trust me enough to show that to you?"

I felt my panic ease. Krem knew exactly what to say, his empathy made me feel safe, and that was such a rare feeling for me. I felt so vulnerable, and exposed, I kept of expecting something terrible to befall me, but it was only him and his gentle eyes holding upon mine. I nodded lightly.

"Good, it's about time you listened to sense." Krem smiled. "I will come back later, and we will see if you have the energy to move about. You need to rest now."

I was saddened to see Krem leave. I was weary, when his hands had released my face I felt the cold rush over my skin, followed by a cold chill down my spine. Rest. I had never known what that was. And I feared my dreams more now than I ever had, after the demons speaking to my mind, connecting to me with ease, I feared the implications of it. I tried desperately to focus on Krem's words for comfort.

When I finally drifted into the darkness, the nightmares felt so real it was unnerving. It was no longer other people's suffering I was living through, it was fear truly realized. I was walking toward a tall mirror, down a darkened hallway I had never seen before. I felt as though I was not alone. I looked over my shoulder to see nothing, but this did not shake the feeling. I continued fearfully toward the mirror. Upon reaching it, I looked as I always had. What awaited me in the darkness I wondered. Nothing crept up behind me. I was alone in a void of silence. Pain radiated through my back where the demon had cut into me, I looked over my shoulder straining as the pain grew agonizing, I don’t know what I expected to see but something felt wrong, a sinking feeling. What was going on? I dropped to the ground as the pain forced me to double over, I could barely see, my eyes began to blur. I dragged myself up. I wished that my eyes had not been clear as I glanced at my reflection, but I saw the demon. It was me. Like the fear monster that had attacked, I had the same thing claw-like limbs protruding from my back. And my face was changing, rotting. I was terrified, the pain was beyond any I had felt. I was frozen in place watching myself become this horror. When the transformation was complete I let out an inhuman scream shattering the mirror.

I jolted up screaming, my hands took to my back, I was relieved to find nothing was protruding from it. The only thing that covered my back was sweat; a cold sweat that covered my entire body, making me shiver despite the warm sheets drawn about me.

A guard burst into my chamber armed and ready, at first I feared he was there to kill me that I had somehow taken on a demon form. But he just looked around the room, then to me. "Are you okay, miss?"

"Yes." I strained through heavy breaths.

I was glad no one I knew had burst through that door; I did not want to reveal such a fear to anyone else. Cassandra already wondered if I was a demon to give her greater cause for concern could lead her to lock me in a prison cell. But maybe that is where I belonged; I could indeed become a danger to others. Solas had told me it was possible, maybe I should go and speak to him, maybe he would tell me something more, I held out no hope for it but I had to do something. Rest was beyond me. I could not remain in this fearful state the shaking would not abate.

I took a warm bath to remove the sweat, and to sooth my aching muscles, my back burned as the water lapped around the injured skin. I hissed through my gritted teeth, tightening my hands to the wooden frame until my knuckles bore white. The pain did not fade entirely but it became bearable. So I tried to allow the warm to soothe my nerves, but it seemed nothing but Krem had managed thus far. I couldn't rely solely on him to ground me, I needed something else. I dressed swiftly finding the new more plain attire the ambassador had left for me. I was pleased to see no ruffles. Just a plain silk top, with fitted trousers, so it was still had a feminine touch to it. The boots were comfortable, with no heel. I felt I little more like myself, but as I attempted to dry my hair, I took to a mirror to assure myself there were indeed no monstrous claws protruding from my back. I took a deep breath and steeled myself to speak to Solas. I was quite nervous, I feared he would tell me nothing, or worse yet I would hear more troubling things.

I stepped outside my door; the same guard looked to me. "Miss, Commander Cullen said that you needed your rest."

"I appreciate his concern but I can't rest, so it would be better for me to wander clear my head."

"I must escort you then. Commanders orders to have you under watch."

The fear rushing within me made me wonder was it a concern for me or fear of what I might become. But he knew little of what had occurred or what I was, so I assured myself it had to be the former, I was beginning to feel a little paranoid. I wandered over to a small room off from the main hall under the watchful eye of my guard. I found Solas with a rather sour expression. A teacup in hand.

"Something wrong with your tea?"

"It is tea. I detest the stuff. But I find I needed something to settle my mind." He stated pointedly. His eyes took over to my watchful guard. "She will be safe under my care." He assured the guard who begrudgingly withdrew to wait outside.

"What is the matter Solas?" I asked feeling a little less tense without the guard looking over my shoulder.

"Nothing that you need concern yourself with. You deal with the concerns of others far too often. I will speak to the inquisitor later today. I was expecting you would come to me. You must have questions? I will answer them as best as I can."

He offered me the seat before him. "May I have some tea? Maybe it will soothe my nerves."

"Of course." A second cup stood beside the pot. So he had been expecting me.

I poured the warm amber liquid into the cup, and took it into my hands, the warmth and smell that usually calmed my senses had no effect, I sighed heavily. Taking a sip. At least the taste was still refreshing.

"You look weary?" I remarked looking to Solas, feeling a concern strain in my chest.

"Do you ever manage to focus upon yourself?"

"Rarely, but sometimes it's nice not to," I confessed knowing that if I did all hell could break loose.

"Well, then you will be learning a new skill today. We are here to talk about you, and what you need."

I recalled our previous encounter in the fade, and before I could think better of it I remarked in a hushed tone. "Is this just so I will keep quiet?"

"No," He returned looking wounded. "I understand why you may think that given words said in haste. I cannot apologize enough for that. I do need to remain unknown here so I do implore you to hold to my confidence. But I am concerned for you; I recall what your people suffered sadly at the hands of both humans and elves. We thought you lost, but here you are."

"You keep saying my people. Am I not human?"

"In appearance, you are yes. But in mind and soul, you are not. You are more alike a being, your ability to connect with others comes from your mind being more receptive, more so than even the elves, and possibly even the gods. Legends tell of them cutting their ties with their people as the pain was too much, it drained them. So this was then gifted too few with all species so that we would all have a way to remain connected, unfortunately not all races saw it at such, men saw them as dangerous, elves revered them, but some used them to gain knowledge and power. This kind of corruption forced upon them turned them into demons. No one would listen to reason, and all eventually turned upon your kind and ended them. Or so they thought. How much of this is true I cannot say."

It sounded like some fantastical tale you would tell to enlighten the imagination of a child, but still, these gifts were what I had possessed and hidden well for most of my life. Krem was the first person I had been this open with, and I felt weary. I wanted to trust him, but I still feared the scorn and horror I had experienced when revealing a little of what I was. I turned to Solas, who was waiting for a response from me. I recalled how Solas had looked when I had seen him in the fade; I saw his true face. Solas was appeared as powerful, but an old soul, my awareness or second sight was what revealed people's true faces to me. I dropped my voice to a whisper as I said. "You are a powerful being Solas, who has lived long, did you not bear witness to any of this, or is it all legends?"

He seemed to hesitate for a split second, he knew how aware I was, or did he think himself to quick and wise for even me, he was hiding something. But I did not wish to press and shut down the only person willing to tell me of what or who I was, even if he chose to tell it in the form of legends.

"Sadly legend is all that remains. But do not forget legends often have an element of truth to them. This is a gift you possess to be so connected to all beings."

"Even demons?"

"Yes, even demons."

"You must have felt a connection to the spirits in the fade? Did you not feel their pain? Their wisdom, their compassion?" His eyes were alight with wonder. "What is would be to have such a gift, all the good that could be done with it."

"Gift? Solas, I have suffered for years, the pain of others is always with me." I strained, feeling a wave of emotion lead my eyes to blur with fresh tears. This torment had been one of the many reasons I had been drawn to painting, it was the only thing that had always brought me some semblance of peace, letting the pain flow onto the page.

Still enthused Solas pulled up from his seat, turning my chair to face him, he took my hands gently in his. "This is because you have been taught nothing but fear, humans can be cruel and baseless beings. They have taught you to hide, I would gladly teach you some methods mages use to control their gifts, it may help you as well. Would you trust me as your mentor?"

I knew I could not trust him completely. But I needed this; I had to do something before this so called gift destroyed my mind. So I nodded. He sprang up. "There is so much to learn" He smiled, his previous sadness lingered in his eyes, but he seemed glad of the distraction, and I was glad of any help he would give.


	11. The picture is no longer clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra finds things become more confused for her

I returned to my room to find Krem waiting for me "Do you feel up to a little excursion?" He offered while scrutinizing my face.

"I would love to," I added with genuine enthusiasm to escape this place myself and be with the one person who made me feel at ease.

I took his arm, very gallant. I felt a blush warm my cheeks as our eyes met. He slowly led me out of the great hall, and out of Skyhold, to a nice peaceful spot I did not know existed. The view was magnificent, the sun kept us warm despite the thin layer of snow still clinging to the mountainside.

"Krem, this is such a beautiful spot. How did you find it?" 

"I have an eye for beauty be it natural or otherwise." His hand caressed my cheek gently, my heart raced. "I did bring something to eat, as I can't say I have seen you eat or drink, it would be nice to be assured that you have." He smiled.

He placed a cloth down, pulling an array of wine, fruit, bread and a broth of some kind. "I made soup."

"You cook?" I exclaimed. It was never something I mastered.  
"Not well, that's the concern." He grinned, which became a grimace when I took the bowl he had filled, placing in the wooden spoon I tasted the concoction. It was nice, a soft hint of winter vegetables with a light salt for additional flavor. I had to put him out of his misery. 

"It's lovely Krem, but how did you know I didn't eat animal meat?"

"I asked the cook." He stated simply as if he had done nothing.

"Thank you, I appreciate your efforts."

I ate the entire loaf of bread and engulfed the broth like it had been an age since I had last eaten. I felt mildly embarrassed after I realized how that must of sounded and looked not proper courting etiquette or general manners. I wondered how it must have looked, what he must be thinking of me. It must have seemed rude.

"I am sorry, it appears I was very hungry," I stated trying to justify my lack of manners, quickly wiping the evidence from my face as my cheeks flushed.

Krem laughed. "You needn't worry I have Iron bull for a captain so you can imagine the manners I am used to." 

"Oh maker my manners remind you of your captain," I feigned offence, still feeling a mild sense of shame.

"No, not at all...Hey, was that a joke?" He stated in a sudden realization.

"Yes, I do have humor just never had a chance to use it." And it had been some time since I had felt able; in fact, it seemed since I had come here it seemed to have become a rare occurrence. So much had happened since I came here that there had not been much reason to smile.

"It is nice to see you smile. Wine?"

"Yes, please."

After the wine and fruit were finished, I found a comfortable position, leaning upon Krems shoulder. He took his arm around my shoulder pulling me closer, I felt at ease and for once was able to enjoy a peaceful moment enjoying the beauty of a sunset, so simple and yet I couldn't recall the last time I had managed to find such calm.

We walked back slowly, Krem stopping as Skyhold returned to view. "I didn't want to spoil the moment but the boss wants us to go out to the coast tomorrow, a simple run but I didn't want to talk business. I wanted you to know, I enjoyed our time today and that I look forward to more but it may have to wait sadly."

"I understand. You are a charger. Promise me you will be careful."

Krem’s cheeks flushed an adorable shade of red.   
"What is it?" I pressed.

"It's been a while since someone has said such things to me."

"I don’t want you to get hurt."

"How do you think I felt hearing all that you suffered? It will be nice to find more peaceful moments with you. I hate to ask, but is there nothing with you and the commander?"

"No he is lost to his work, and I feel I can be myself with you, that I can tell you almost anything."

"Almost?"

"Well...I..." I did not have a way to express my fears without sounding paranoid so I fell silent.

"It is okay, I will not press you. It is enough that you have trusted me with the truth of yourself."

I looked to him, in that calm we found a moment of our own, he took my chin in hand pulling me into a soft kiss, that made my whole body tremble.

When he pulled back, I felt a goofy grin across my face. "That was a wonderful end to this day I am pleasantly surprised about." Krem looked confused. "I thought this would be a horrible day given how it started." I assured him realizing how it may have sounded.

"Glad I could remedy that. I have to report to the boss to get our orders for tomorrow."

I waved shyly, I couldn't recall the last time I had felt so nervous, there could be something real here. I walked on air back to my quarters; all troubles seemed to have taken a back seat. 

"Dauber," Varric called as I stepped into the hall. "I have a favor to ask?"

"Oh, what is it?" I asked with a mild curiosity.

"I need you to aid me in doing a rush job on the next ‘Swords and Shields’."

"Not a problem."

"You will have to read this drivel to get the images down." He grimaced.

"Why is that a problem?"

"Not my best work kid."

"I’m sure it's fine." I stated taking the manuscript in hand. I was about to begin reading it when Varric exclaimed, "Don't read it in front of me, read it later to put you to sleep or something."

"Fine." I held my hands up. "Why the rush?"

"Someone wants to read it and I intend to be there when they get it."

"It's a gift?"

"No, rather an amusing bit of revenge."

"Can I be there too? This sounds intriguing."

"Of course the more the merrier." He laughed to himself. "How are you holding up after that hell I never did check in?"

"I didn't think we would get out alive," I confessed.

"You are either the luckiest or unluckiest person I have met, I can't be sure which fits. Demons rushing to have conversations with you, what do they talk about?"

"Nothing much… usual bargaining crap," I added glibly.

"Sorry you got dragged into that mess, and I am glad to see you're still on our side."

"Of course, you're the more enjoyable company."

"I should hope so compared to demons, and red Templars," He laughed raucously.

"Only just," I joked.

It was nice to able to take things lightly for a time, I knew the nightmares awaited me, but that was not for a time.

"And…how are you doing?"

"Dwarves are tough by nature. You’re relaxing to be around.”

"Relaxing with me around? I am useless. I can paint you a picture but couldn't fight to save my life, which was sadly evident in the fade."

"Don't be too hard on yourself kid, I have fought many battles with many foes. You are new to all of this, it is scary stuff, " Varric tried to assure me. I couldn't shake the belief that I was a coward so easily; I had not managed to fight my own demons never mind real ones.

"How do you not be afraid?" I felt the need to ask as they had all looked to calm and confident, while I had been cowering. "You all seemed so calm, and assured."

"I am a better actor than I realized. No kid all fighters with sense are afraid, we just channel it into the fight. It sounds like your fear consumes you, you need to be the one in control. It's not always easy but it's how you survive, and end up being the one with such crazy stories to tell." He smiled.

"You got time to tell me any now?" I pressed thinking I could do with a good story to immerse myself in, a bit of escaping from the nightmares that awaited me.

"Okay just one, oh I know, this is a funny one. Avaline liked a fellow guardsman, and she didn't quite know how to express it...and now they are happily married, who would have thought."

"Maker and I thought I was awkward." I laughed.

"I should be going to get my beauty sleep; it takes work to look this good," I pleaded with my eyes for him to continue. "You're incorrigible Dauber. Let me rest my eyes before I have to leave with inquisitor.

I felt guilty keeping Varric talking but it was nice feeling what passed for normal, I didn't want that to end. When the light began to return to the sky, Varric shooed me away. 

I apologized, feeling mildly guilty. Feeling weary myself I tiptoed toward my room, crawling into bed, not thinking of nightmares as the light took into my room. I drifted off.

Dreamless sleep was afforded to me at first but then I found myself walking aside someone, the dream had an otherworldly feel to it. I never drew my eyes across to the other at my side, I only knew I felt comfortable at their side. It was only when we said goodbye did things begin to feel nightmarish. Like something or someone was been torn away from me. 

I jolted awake wishing I had looked up to the face of my companion, but maybe I was afraid to see who it was. The light was fading, I must have slept through most of the day, my body must still be recovering, what did that demon do to me? Before I spiraled into that frightening train of thought I cast my mind to Varric. I hoped he had managed okay after me keeping him up to the earlier hours of the morning.

I should have been painting to distract my mind but I still found myself weak, the ambassador understood. She only sought me out when she found time to check up upon me, she was kind and accommodating. Both of us with a lot on our minds, I knew both of our troubles; I had both sensed and lived hers, in nightmarish detail. But Krem was the only one I felt safe revealing my gift to. Solas had knowledge beyond those in Skyhold so he also knew what I was, more than human in mind and spirit, connected to everything on some level. I however was becoming increasingly unsure of what I was, and the nightmares that followed did nothing to calm my fears. Solas had told me it was a possibility that I could become a demon, so the fear had continued to play upon my mind. The nightmare had wanted to gain strength an power from the fears that dwelled with me. The demons had also spoken of how powerful I could be as one of them, I just had to give in, let the fear take me, and I would be unstoppable. I had no wish for this to become a reality. But I was weary and it continued to worry me in the wee hours of the morning, while others I assumed slept, my mind raced.

Days passed in an exhaustive blur, I kept to myself. Only venturing out to get food, or to stretch my legs. Everyone in Skyhold seemed to be more than busy, given what they were preparing for the tense atmosphere and the growing sense of fear was understandable. This made me seek solitude as the pain of others was already pressing upon me, I did not feel strong enough to take on more.

I pulled up from yet another torturous night of memories, and suffering. I cleaned up and dressing without conscious thought. I wondered out into the hall, out into the courtyard. It must have been later than I thought, I felt a mild guilt, Varric was finally back from the coast looking weary. I saw Ironbull. I felt a strange sense that something or someone was missing but I couldn't place it. It was like all my memories had been lost, I felt at a loss. I stood rooted to the spot, Ironbull noticed me, and walked over to me slowly "I am sorry Landra."

"Sorry for what?"

That sinking feeling began to take me. "Krem didn't make it."

The name seemed to ring out in my mind, but the memory felt like it was fading. I couldn't breathe, I had lost someone but not only that their memories were lost to me, I felt so disconnected. 

“What happened?” I stammered.

“They fought hard but they were over run,” his voice heavy with his own grief.

I couldn’t understand it. Krem had referred to like it was a run they could do in their sleep, how could it have gone so wrong. “I don’t understand.”

“The chargers knew the risks. They were a brave bunch of bastards. I hate that they aren’t behind me, it’s quiet, I don’t like it.” He sighed heavily.

“That’s it?” I exclaimed. I wanted more, that was not enough.

“Landra I know you cared about Krem but I served with these boys for years, decisions like these are never made lightly.”

“Decisions?” I echoed. The word sounding so hollow to me. It seemed to echo in the silence that fell.

“You have never been in charge, you do not understand.”

I couldn’t tell him I understood as how would I explain that I had felt the pain, and weight of decisions others had been forced to make. Alistair’s memories were the ones that came to mind. I had felt his anguish in making tough choices as king and as a warden, knowing that people would die based upon your choice, it was indeed a heavy burden to make the tough choices and live with the consequences. This knowledge however did not make this any easier; I felt a rush of anger. I felt as if I was being to burn up, my blood boiling. The feeling faded as the heavy feeling of grief doused the flames, and held me under. I could have sworn for a moment I had genuinely felt like I was burning up, I took a hand to my forehead; it was slick with sweat despite it being cold enough to see your breath. My body had to be reacting strangely to the grief I told myself.

I didn't have the words; I just turned away and walked on unsteady feet toward where I had sought out Solas. He was standing there lost in thought; it took him a moment to register my presence. "What is it?"

"I have lost someone dear to me," I stammered.

"I am sorry…Please, sit. You look confused."

"I am confused; I can't recall a single memory of Krem’s. They were so clear, all the pain and struggles, it's like he was wiped from my memory," I gasped, feeling robbed.

"I can only theorize that once a soul has gone beyond the fade your mental connection with that person ceases. All of their demons, their pain and suffering no longer reside within you or this plane. I think humans call what you are an empath but they know so little of what that truly is…I am sorry I know you did not come here to be lectured." 

"I understand you like to pass on knowledge…but, I don't want to forget those who mattered to me," I sobbed.

Solas looked as if he had no idea what to say next, and neither did I. He just stood beside me, I barely registered his hand gently laid upon my shoulder in some form of comforting gesture, all he could manage. All I knew was that there was a strange void where someone should be, and a sense of weariness growing within me as if a peace of mind had been taken from me. I sat for a long time in silence, unable to move, tears coursing down my cheeks. The only person I had opened up to in a long time was gone, I could recall his face, our memories, but his memories were lost, I could not seek comfort in them, find strength in his bravery, and courage. I wanted to howl, but I felt frozen in place.  
The only thing to tear me from my agony was a scream that echoed just beyond the door to the great hall, Solas turned to me. “Would you rather I remain here?”

I shook my head trying to shake off the heaviness, it was not possible. But I was able to face him, and nod shake my head, and mutter. “I could use the distraction.”

Solas raise his eyebrow, tilting his head slightly. He did not seem convinced but he did not question my words. He aided me to my feet, and I followed after shaky upon my feet tears still flowing freely, they stained the ground as I dragged myself out. Amidst the commotion of someone ranting, pacing back and forth, I heard what felt like distant calls 

"How could this happen!?"

Solas looked very concerned, he could hear better of what was going on. His expression changed from concern to worry as he continued to overhear more than I. I was still lost beneath a wave of emotion, I felt as though the surface was distant, as was the world. All voices only came to me in muffled sound. I was hemmed in by the nobles in residence hoping to get the first glimpse of a scandal; they had a hungry look as if they thrived upon the very idea. I pulled back from the crowd, as the closer they got the tighter my chest became. I was shaking as I pulled away; Solas was too concentrated to see me slowly backing away.

My mind was cast adrift, with Krem gone, I had thought Solas would be the only one who would understand, but…his withdrawn nature spoke of a soul who had suffered too many losses of their own. There was no room left for me, he could not be the one I relied upon. I was alone. I knew and had experienced Krem’s memories, to lose someone who could have been everything to me. This was the nightmare, and Skyhold was a cruel place, so many bad things had happened. I was beginning to despise the place; I did not want to be here anymore. But if I ran I would run right into the arms of the enemy who awaited me, they wished to use my supposed gift to destroy this world. And for a moment I wondered if maybe it would be better to watch this world burn.

"What is all the commotion?" I finally found myself able to ask Josephine who I saw milling at the edge of a commotion forming about a woman who was distraught and cursing loudly. She had looked ready to push her way through until I distracted her.

"It is the strangest thing, from what I gather the eluvian was shattered. Morrigan is furious. She has been on a tear through Skyhold, raving the whole way,” She stated diplomatically.

"That seems an understatement," I stated flatly, and in a curious reflex, I continued. "What is an eluvian?"

"It is from what I can tell a doorway of sorts, but it looks like a large mirror."

"Large mirror?" I repeated the words with trepidation. I felt the color drain from my face that was only a nightmare, that couldn't have been real. What was happening to me? Was it not enough that grief was shattering me, now I had to fear myself, could I become a demon?

I began to pull away from the group, I rushed into my room gasping for breath, and I dropped to the ground unsteady upon my feet, feeling faint. That was a dream this had to be some kind of strange coincidence. I couldn't tell a soul that I feared I had somehow become a fear demon in the dark of night shattered this eluvian with my scream then somehow became human again. It sounded insane. I had to pull myself together, but my mind ran off in so many directions, fears and what if’s only leaving me more troubled. What if I had become a demon in my sleep? What if the growing fear could make the transformation may permanent?

My mind was spinning. I feared it would appear highly suspicious that I hear of it and am seen or heard panicked in my room. It was difficult to center myself when I felt like I was slipping into a dark void. I had to see if Solas could begin my training; the need to control this gift had become a desperate need. I steadied my breath and put one foot in front of the other, I did not look down as I feared the very ground I walked upon was now shaky and would fall from beneath my feet.

The Ambassador stopped me as I returned to the hall; I had kept my eyes down to avoid this. ‘Damn it’ I thought to myself before looking up to the Josephine. 

“Are you okay? You seem to be acting strangely?” 

Her eyes were full of concern, but I feared suspicion. “I have been given bad news, a friend passed. I don’t quite know what to do or say, I feel like I need to keep moving...” I rambled. 

It was easier to blame all of my behavior upon my grief. People would understand that.

“You have my sincere condolences. If you need to talk you know where I am,” she offered, her eyes holding to mine as if she was waiting to see if I wanted her aid in that moment. 

“Thank you Ambassador, but I feel as if I need to walk around,” I confirmed my need to leave as to not appear rude when I walked away.

That’s it I thought to myself one foot in front of the other, you’re over reacting, it’s nothing. ‘I can’t tell anyone. I feared their condemnation, their judgement. So many before them had judged me, feared me. I was now to feeling that fear of myself, and it felt like a gag drawn across my mouth, I wanted to speak, I wanted to reach out, but this invisible and suffocating force silenced me.

Solas looked to me as I approached. “May I speak with you?”

“Of course.” He gestured that we return to his study.

I walked in behind him. A strange voice whispered ‘He can’t be trusted, tell him nothing.”

My eyes widened, I looked around me expecting to see something or someone. Was I going insane? Now I was hearing voices. The fear was like two hands tightly clasped around my throat, each new jarring event tightening the grip, making my lose my own. I gasped finding it an effort to return to the current moment, to focus on where I was. I only knew that I had to do something, I needed some sense of control before the anxiety became too much.


	12. Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra attempts to train and learn more of her gift with Solas.

I could see that despite his own concerns that Solas was eager to teach and I was desperate to learn. I did not wish to become a demon due to the grief and confusion that had begun to make me question my sanity. For now it seemed the voice had been an isolated incident but in moments of silence, I feared its cruel whispers. Solas mused aloud, "I would normally seek solace in the Fade but sadly for you that is still a dangerous place. So I believe outside among the calm of nature would be best for you."

I merely nodded, not wishing to engage in conversation. I pulled up and followed him out of the gates of Skyhold, crossing the snow-covered hills until it gave way to the calm of nature. The grass as first peered through the snow but soon took over as far as the eye could see green fields with the odd majestic tree standing alone from his brothers. The tree was bare, the branches like claws scratching at the sky. I was failing to see the majesty of nature, I only saw painful images. My perception was tainted. The light evaded me. He told me I was connected to every being but I couldn't feel more disconnected from this world and those in it, as there was someone who was no longer here who should be. I still cursed both Iron Bull and the inquisitor, I did not envy their pain or choices but I needed to blame someone for this storm of emotion. I would go from feeling agony to nothing which was the stranger if the two as to feel nothing was not my norm. My normal state was that an exhaustive pressure, so many memories and demons vying for their needs to be met. Feeling nothing should have felt like a reprieve but I just felt as though I was walking in some strange dream.

Solas paused. He seemed to bask in the sunlight but the sigh that followed was as heavy as his heart seemed to be. He didn't need to tell me this I had sensed with ease every time I had been around him, as it was quite a strong feeling emanating from him. But now I could sense nothing. I felt lost in this strange void. I was looking to Solas to ground me if it was even possible. I looked to him hoping he could feel the urgency in my stare. Fear seemed to be the only emotion that threatened to surface and the only emotion I didn't want as I knew the damage it could do to me and others.

Solas's voice sounded almost soothing as it broke through my daze, "Landra I know you're hurting, I too have suffered. We shall look for what little peace is available to us. I need you to focus. I understand this will not be easy for you. Clear your mind and allow yourself to feel that connection to all beings.”

I opened an eye and mused, “You teach this to mages?”

“I have tailored it a little to your gifts. Please concentrate.” He seemed a little frustrated but his eyes were gentle and holding. It was strange to feel safe around an elf that had once seemed so dangerous was the one who was with me in my time of need, pain makes for strange allies. It seems the only thing I managed to connect to was my pain, the one thing I wasn’t ready for in its full force. 

I closed my eyes and tried to focus upon his soothing voice, but the noise in my head began to drown him out, and soon I found myself upon my knees gasping for air as the sobs wracked my body. My eyes burned, and my chest was in agony. I had wanted to escape it, escape that place but it seems I could not. I wanted the numb feeling to return this agony was unbearable. I felt a warmth envelope me, it was only then I recalled I wasn’t alone. A mild embarrassment tinged the pain coursing through me but not enough to hold back this tide. When the world was no longer blurred by my tears and my chest was pressured after the strain of a long drawn out howl of pain. Only then did I pull up, aided by Solas. I still felt shaky as the pain was raw. I took a deep breath; it led my lungs to ache.

“I know it hurts but you must allow emotions even the more powerful ones, in. Sit with the despair but do not become it. The power is with you, it is only when these things overwhelm us do we risk becoming what we fear. Demons and their like will try and play upon your pain, but you are resilient. You have taken on the pain of many and you have not faltered, do not allow cruel words and minds make you think otherwise.”

I felt a little taken back by how unshakable he sounded. How could he have such faith in me? I had so little. It was difficult to believe him, but I tried and even when the tears flowed unbidden I held to my focus. The pain felt real and I began to do something I had not done in some time I began to process it. It was no easy task untangling my own pain from those I had taken on as my own over the years. But soon I found I could see through the mired mess that had once been my mind. The grief still tore at my chest but it was natural to grieve. It was as if the ghost of Krem seemed to cling as tightly to me as I did to his memory.

“How long will this feeling last?” I found myself asking.

“There is no way of knowing, for some it is a lifelong process. To lose a friend or partner leaves a strange void. You find yourself looking to where they used to be.” He seemed to be looking off into the distance as if he was to looking to a void left by a friend or loved one.

“Did you lose someone?” I mused.

“Yes I did. It is strange at times I still go and seek them out only to recall they are gone. It is not a pleasant reminder. Now we should continue your lesson. You are doing so well and I am curious as to the extent of your power. But I doubt we have time in this day alone to discover such things.”

Power? I had often thought it a curse. It had set me apart from others. It had put me at the mercy of demons and strong emotion. I could only hope that I had helped a few people along this path I had chosen. I had no way of knowing and often the uncertainly of it often made me wonder if it was truly worth it. Would I be able to aid the inquisition rather than cowering in the corner?

“Can I help the Inquisition?”

“Of course. You have no idea as to all you have done. Those demons you take on from others leave them able to see things clearly, without the demons feeding upon them they are stronger and more confident for it. Even the most skilled of mages cannot see or sense all demons especially if they have lived with their presence too long.”

I didn’t think before the question escaped my lips, “What demons hold to you?”

He narrowed his eyes upon me. “Do not forget what I am. Do not turn your eye upon me. I am not your concern.” His stern expression and sharp words were a warning that I had over stepped.

“I am sorry, I didn’t think. I did not intend to offend. I ask out of concern, I feel that you are burdened and I want to help.”

He sighed heavily. “I know. No one can help me. This is something I must suffer alone.”

“It sounds lonely.”

“It is. But it is how it must be.” He looked at me as if to say that this conversation was over. “I think we should draw the lesson to a close for today. It has been a trying day for us both, “he confessed his shoulders slumped as if the weight of the world rested upon them.

‘You can’t trust him, he has plans for you’ the voice whispered suddenly. I turned as it felt as though there was someone next to me, but I turned to find nothing. My heart hammering in my chest, I wanted to question this voice but I was unsure as to whether it was in all in my head or was it something more insidious? A demon perhaps? Did they have that kind of power? I did not feel able to confide in Solas as I knew he was hiding something and was not likely to reveal the truth. And could he even help me? I did not want him to think I was losing what remained of my shaken sanity, and I was not ready to tell anyone of all that still clouded my mind. The fear that I had already become a demon and somehow been able to return to form, it all sounded so strange and implausible, they would think me insane, or worse a danger. I feared they would run me out or turn upon me and what would I become of me when I feared for my life? Too many unknowns held my silence upon the matter.

“Are you well?, You appear shaken?” Solas remarked as I surveyed the area manically for the voices owner.

“I am fine, just feeling like I forgot something,” I added hastily.

“Ah yes that void will follow your footsteps for some time.” He looked to me with knowing eyes.

I felt a little guilt for lying to him, but we were both holding back something for our own reasons. He had no idea of mine and I was unaware of his. As we began to make our way back to Skyhold, I listened intently for that disembodied voice, hoping to make sense of it while hoping to never hear it again. As there seemed to be a sense of evil to this voice, was it the evil within me?

I had to stop losing myself to my thoughts, as I barely avoided walking into Solas. The return was made in silence, I felt more at ease around him than I had but there was still a weary sense I got from him being able to hide from me, most couldn’t but most had no idea what I was. Solas was powerful and he had a good nature to him but something lurked in the shadow that followed after him as we walked. What demon haunted his steps? Knew him so well to become part of him without him releasing it?

We arrived back, a messenger approached cautiously. “Landra?”

I nodded. “Iron Bull asked that I tell you he awaits you upon the battlements.”

I narrowed my eyes wondering what Iron Bull could want with me. “Where is he?”

“He is just up those steps.” He pointed up and behind me.

I bid Solas farewell, he smiled weakly. “Do not forget to return tomorrow. You will master this, it will not master you.” 

I envied his confidence, I still did not share it but I was willing to try. Anything was better than losing myself to this growing madness. I agreed. Taking up the battlement steps slowly, I enjoyed the peace and serenity granted by the distance and marvel of such a breath taking view. The air even felt clearer up here. It was difficult to miss Iron Bull leaning upon the battlements, his head bowed.

“Iron Bull?”

“Landra, I never know what to say in such times. I know you humans do things differently.”

“What is this about?”

“We should say something. I know you cared for Krem so I felt it only right you say something.”

“Just to cast my thoughts to the winds?” 

“Yes I suppose so. Just we say what we need to say.”

“What I need to say? You don’t want to hear it trust me.”

“Come on, you need this as much as I. And I can’t imagine you could say a word I haven’t heard or thought of myself.”

“Fine. I hate you and the damn inquisitor for sacrificing them. How dare you do that to them, to him. They died for you because you asked it of them; they died for their loyalty to you. And you chose the cause over them. Maker, damn you both. How dare you?” I hissed the tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Krem was a charger. He knew the risks, he knew what he signed up for. He took many of the bastards with him. He talked about you, told me he thought he had found the one.”

“Fuck you, Bull! That doesn’t help. It hurts like hell,” I cried upon hearing such a bitter sweet sentiment.

“It does. You think it was easy for me. That I just cast them aside on a whim. They were my men. I had been with most of them for years. Knew all there was to know, good soldiers, good friends.”

I felt ashamed for taking my anger out upon him. “I am sorry Bull.”

“It’s okay. I know the feeling, when it’s out of your hands. It’s easier to have someone to blame than feel helpless. I feel different without them at my side.”

I looked to him, blinking away the tears still blurring my vision. He did look as though something had changed within him, I could feel a shift when I focused beyond my own pain. I had never been able to that until now. My own heightened emotions usually blocked my ability to sense others. But I felt the ache in my chest but I could see him. He looked as if he was looking back to something, an anchor of some kind to ground him once more.

“They were good soldiers and they will be missed but never forgotten.” Bull remarked to the air as if they were listening. “Have you anything to add?”

“Krem was a good man, the first I have met to accept me as I am. I fear I may never find another. I will not forget you.” My voice cracked with emotion as I strained to finish.

Iron Bull carefully pulled his arms around me as I cried. I wept pressing my head to his solid chest, his big arms were comforting to shelter in. I found I had no more to say and my tears could no longer run. I looked up to him and said, “Thank you Bull, you didn’t need to include me.”

“Oh I did, didn’t want Krem coming back and kicking my ass. If you should need to drink or talk you know where to find me.”

“Thank you.” I called after him as he left the battlements.

I waited upon them for a time, looking to the distance. “You would have liked the view Krem. I wish that we could have had the chance to be together. I know I would have loved you with all my heart if given the chance. I don’t want to say what I must say. But I must. It is strange that such a simple word should hurt so much… Goodbye, Krem.”

The pain was still more than present within me, but all I had said all I wanted to say. A lone tear found release as I left the battlements. With one final glance backwards, and I swear for a moment I saw him. I gasped. I wanted to run back up but I knew I had to continue down. Continue forward.


	13. Laughter is the best medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra tries to find peace with painting

After another long and sleepless night I decided I needed to lose myself in my art. It was the only thing that brought me any semblance of peace. I intended to continue my training with Solas, but I was weary of that voice. So I washed up swiftly and dressed. When I arrived at the Ambassador's office, she looked up at the mountain of papers before her. She placed her quill down and looked up at me with a gentle smile. “I am glad to see you up and about. What is it you need?”

She gestured for me to take a seat. I took it without hesitation, sinking into the chair. “I wish to continue my commission, ambassador if you would direct me to whoever would be free at this time.”

“Truly?” she exclaimed seeming shocked by my wish to continue on with my work.

“Yes, painting will be what brings me peace,” I confessed a little of what would ease my pain. I must occupy my mind.” I added hastily, with a hint of desperation.

“If you are certain, I think Sera would be the only member of the inquisition not currently indisposed. I do warn you however she will not be a co-operative model. And her language is rather…colorful,” she remarked sheepishly.

I knew she was trying to put it as sweetly as she could.

“Where would I find Sera?”

“On the second floor of the Tavern usually, if she isn’t running around causing trouble.”

“Trouble?”

“Oh her delightful pranks. I rather hope you do not have to suffer them.” 

“I can assume given your tone that they are less than delightful.” I let a fleeting smile cross my lips.

“Very. Given my guests, I could do without her meddling. Now that I give it thought I could use your aid, I am to attend peace talks to aid king Alistair, and you have met him, have you not?”

“I have.”

“In aid of keeping your mind busy perhaps you may consider joining me. I understand that he was rather impressed with your previous work of him, perhaps you would consider another? There will be other dignitaries and royalty in attendance. The talks are taking place in Orlais. I can imagine you would be kept quite busy. I would appreciate the company and I know he would like to see another friendly face. You need not answer me in haste. Think upon it.” 

I nodded wondering whether it would be better to be away from this place. Where the ghosts and demons a part of this place or a part of me? I suppose I would only find out if I left. I recalled meeting with Alistair. I had enjoyed his company and he had seemed more at ease with me than his advisors and court. But I also recalled the nightmares and memories of his that his demon had placed in my mind. I knew his pain so I felt it would be strange to see him again after living his memories. Could I feign ignorance?

For now, I decided to try and lose myself in my art, so I intended to search out Sera. I only took my sketching pad and pencils with me just in case she was as difficult as the ambassador intimated. I could sketch her from a distance if need be. The only thing that made me weary was entering the tavern and being forced to notice that empty chair in the corner, that void acting as a cruel reminder that Krem was no longer with us, with me. Moving forward would not be easy, reminders pressured my wounded heart and forced tears to flow. I couldn't hide from or avoid this pain, no matter how I tried. I crossed the courtyard as quickly as possible, not paying any mind to those milling around. A dwarven woman was standing by the door. I barely managed a smile as I passed her.

When I entered the tavern I tried to look straight up but my eyes were drawn to that corner as if still hoping this was some nightmare and Krem's smiling face would greet me. I was only greeted by emptiness -the room was full of life all but that corner. I took a deep breath and steadied myself, a lone tear escaped as I forced myself to make my way up the steps. I made my way round, and knocked upon the closed door, hoping this was her room and I wasn’t disturbing someone else.

I waited for her to answer. I was a little shocked when I when the door opened swiftly and I was pulled inside. "What the..." I began.

"Shhh," a voice giggled.

A roar bellowed out from downstairs, "Sera!"

I turned to see the colorfully dressed elf creased over in a fit of giggles, I looked at her curiously. I had no idea what was going on. She opened a window and proceeded to begin exiting out of it, beckoning me out on to the roof with her. I wearily followed her out, taking cautious steps across the tiles. Pulling to the edge, and carefully climbing down with absolutely no grace. 

I turning to find the elven woman I had been following. I spotted her milling around by the entrance to the tavern, giggling with the dwarven woman who had not moved from where I had seen her. I walked over cautiously hoping I wasn't interrupting anything, as they seemed lost in their own little moment.

"Sera?" I called.

"Who the pish are you? You look a bit familiar…weird, really." She stated still laughing. 

“What in makers name was that about?" I exclaimed.

“Calm yourself, right. I am in the middle of a prank war with Iron Bull. He has a silly side to him. Heard about all the shit you have been through. Maybe you should help me plan my next prank, something fun couldn't hurt."

She was a fast talker, but I was able to see sadness under the fun exterior. "I don't think I would be any good at pranks," I confessed, not quite sure if I had a sense of humor at the moment.

"Ah come on you could use it, and so could they. Lift their spirits a little, less doom and gloom."

She wore me down, and I agreed. I looked to the dwarven woman shaking her head with a wry grin across her lips. "She is incorrigible, this one."

"I don't think I have been introduced," I remarked.

"I am scout Harding. It's nice to meet you," She smiled sweetly.

With her light freckling and genuine sweet nature, I could see why Sera was enjoying flirting with her. I turned my eyes back to Sera who was still looking at me expectantly. "Well?" she pressed eagerly.

"What are we to do?"

"Well, this is where you're pretty handy. You're an artist, so you can get us supplies and we can paint on the doors of people's quarters, just a few choice words or an image, short and sweet."

"You want me to vandalize Skyhold?" I exclaimed.

"No, I want you to help me brighten it with works of art." She smirked.

"I don't imagine that's what you have in mind," I remarked. Sera rolled her eyes. I sighed heavily before adding, "fine, the ambassador will kill me."

"No she will thank you, we are beautifying the place." She giggled as a spark of mischief appeared in her eyes

I knew the ambassador would do anything but thank me, but as distractions go this was a good one. I felt a mild sense of guilt and exhilaration as I took my paints to a task they weren't meant for. Sera painted a crude image for Iron Bull to see, how no one spotted her was beyond me. I didn't bother with anything intricate, we ended up scrawling across the battlements 'up yours corypinus' in relatively large letters. Sera kept a look out while I did the first part then I looked out for her.

As I looked across the battlements I found a set of amber eyes catching mine. As he drew closer I could see a gentle smile crossed his lips curling his scar. I had not seen Cullen in what felt like an age, and despite the pain in my heart I also felt a nervous edge. It could have been the awkwardness of our kiss then the date that never quite happened. I had forgotten him, I felt a sting of guilt as he was a good man and had not deserved to be cast aside without so much as a word, but it seemed as if the madness that was tearing Thedas didn't allow for the normality he had told me he was hoping for.

"Commander." I shouted, "You are working late."

I tried to guise my surprise in a quick smile. He didn't seem to buy it. Cullen eyed me with suspicion and questioned, "Why are you covered in paint?"

"What a strange question to ask an artist," I remarked nervously.

"Doesn't the paint normally go to the canvass?" He continued as a wry smile crossed his face.

"Not always… depends on the medium and the canvas." I smiled thinking I had him fooled.

I was about to bid him farewell when he caught my arm gently and inquired, "What exactly was your canvass? You seem to be acting rather strangely."

I hated that his hand upon my arm gave me butterflies, and his suspicious gaze made me nervous. I shouldn't be feeling anything like this, it was inappropriate and wrong. I realized I had been quite too long so I stammered, "it's a bigger project."

I was hoping for some distraction and thankfully Sera wondered over the picture of innocence. A paint brush in her hand and declared, "I always wondered what you would look with a mustache like Dorian's."

She proceeded to attempt to paint one upon his face, Cullen pulled back and released my arm. " Go." Sera whispered amidst giggles.

We both ran off, I looked back and mouthed sorry. Cullen just seemed confused, his eyes narrowed and his head cocked to the side. We took down the steps. Sera stopped in her tracks, calling me to do the same. We turned to look at our handiwork. It looked ridiculous but the longer I looked at the bad spelling grammar and silliness of it, a smirk became a full blown smile. A giggle became raucous laughter, and I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed until I cried. Sera had been right a little silliness had done me some good. I hope that it made a few other people smile. It did give me an idea a memorial painted in honor of those lost, if the Ambassador would trust me with a brush after this, I would like to respect those who had passed by illustrating them.This had been moment where the pain wasn’t tearing me to pieces, and I had been able to smile. Fear had not ruled me.

"Well, my partner in crime, I can't wait to see the reaction in the morning." Sera's smile brimmed across her face.

As the adrenalin wore off I felt an exhaustion take me, dropping down upon my bed finding sleep easily, but not rest, never rest.

I awoke with a start, and found it took some time before I could focus. It was hard enough to breathe. I took my shaky hands to the task of cleaning away to paint and sweat before I dressed and surfaced. I wondered if anyone would be awake given the light was barely touching the sky. I didn't have to wonder long. Making my way to the courtyard, I found a mass of soldiers snickering at the words painted upon the battlements. Cullen and the Ambassador stood at the front shaking their heads despite the hint of a smile upon both of their faces.

I tried to hold back a laugh but I failed. This drew their eyes to me. The ambassador crossed her arms and glared at me with intensity. Cullen looked at me with a raised eyebrow, "Was this your bigger project?" he remarked trying to hide the smile that kept drawing across his lips. The ambassador was the better at hiding her amusement, she looked genuinely annoyed at me. I felt a sting of guilt. She brought me here and was nothing but kind and this was the thanks I gave her.  
"Landra I didn't expect this of you." She sighed heavily.

I heard Varric exclaim from behind me, "Dauber I am more surprised by the spelling."

"That was Sera, she said it made a better statement showed we didn't care." I turned to face Varric.

"Well with that in mind, it's some of your best work, Dauber." He smiled to himself, "it certainly made a few people smile this morning."

"My office, please," The ambassador pressed in exasperation.

"Now you're in trouble kid," Varric teased as I followed the Ambassador away from the crowd.

I followed her in silence, she offered me a seat. She sighed again. “I understand that your experiences with the Inquisition have not been… ideal, since you arrived. I am sorry for your misfortune. I was under the impression that when you vanished to paint a portrait of Sera, that it would be one of your usual projects.”

I felt awful, I could barely hold eye contact. I looked at her and stated, "I am sorry Ambassador, I can't say I have ever done such a thing before."

“I see that you did not want to cause any harm. That is fine. Sera can be difficult. If it is not too much to ask, could you spend a few moments to clean up the paintings on the wall?” 

“I, yes, Ambassador.” 

“I confess in confidence that it amused me, but recall that we need to be a force to be reckoned with, so you see, how such actions cheapen the message. Did you think about whether you wished to observe the peace talks?” 

“I… yes. After I have cleaned the walls, I would like to.” 

“I think it would be best to… create some distance between you and Sera.”

"I am sorry, ambassador. I did want to suggest something that maybe more respectful. A memorial wall to honor those we have lost."

"That is beautiful sentiment and upon our return, we can get started upon that. I will have Lelianna retrieve names and messages people wish to place upon it and you can make it into a respectful and dignified memorial. Now I would like you to don the formal attire I have left in your room. We are to leave today as soon as possible. King Alistair seemed enthused to know that you might be joining me." She finally allowed a smile to replace the stern expression she had been holding to.

I nodded. I took to my room and donned the formal wear the ambassador had laid out for me. The measurements were exact. I didn't take to red but this looked smart. It felt odd to be dressed to smartly given my behavior the previous night. This would be a long journey, maybe I could get to know the ambassador a little better. I had been jarred in dreams violent images but I couldn't be sure how they linked to her, but it had been her name I had heard. The dreams always remained clear in my conscious mind as if I had lived them myself, so at times it was still difficult to know what was mine and what was another's.

I wondered if leaving Skyhold would do me any good after my last excursion. I could only hope the palace would be more secure.


	14. Journey to Orlais

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra accompanies the ambassador upon her journey to Orlay. Landra finds even simple questions about her past are difficult to answer.

I had changed back to plain clothes for a time after the ambassador was happy with the fit of my formal attire and shortly after I was instructed to aid Sera in cleaning up our mess off the wall. I made my way to the battlements, when I got there I heard Sera mumble, "True art is never appreciated in its time."

I snickered to myself and she cast a glance to me before she added, "I have seen your work, not the poesy bullshit but the real stuff and it's not half bad. Shows them poncy nobles in their true ugly light. I don't envy you stuck around their kind; so stuck up their own arses they can't see daylight."

I burst out laughing. She truly had a way with words. I creased over, tears coursing down my face before I could regain some control. We continued to talk as we cleaned our mark begrudgingly from Skyhold's walls.

"Are you two done?" A small inquisitive voice came from behind me on the battlements.

I turned to see a female dwarven messenger looking up at me expectantly. 

"Almost", I sighed wiping the glaze of sweat upon my forehead. 

"When you are done, Ambassador Montilyet would like you to report to her, in formal attire." She smiled graciously before walking away.

"Rather you than me," Sera quipped. "Being surrounded by all of those prigs once was enough for me."

"Shame you can't join me, I could imagine we could make it more fun," I smiled at the thought of mischief but under the watchful eye of the ambassador, I doubted there would be time or allowances for such things. 

"Yeah would have been nice to have a partner in crime, but I left my mark, you will see it when you get there." She grinned widely leaving me to wonder what she had done.

"So what did you do?" I exclaimed unable to reign in my curiosity.

"You will know when you see it."

I couldn't get her to reveal her mark upon the winter palace but I would be extra observant just so I didn't miss it. It took some time but we got the wall clear, it looked so bare without our little message, I sighed sadly. 

"It's been fun Sera, but I must report for my punishment," I remarked glibly, feeling a bit of guilt for mocking the Ambassadors important work, but I was finding myself unable to hold back my silliness and sarcasm in Sera's presence.

We gave a mock bow to one another and we went our separate ways. I could have easily gone the more straightforward route to Ambassadors office but I chose to walk around, forcing me to cut through Cullen's office. I wasn't sure as to what I was hoping for but it would be nice to see him if he wasn't lost in tactics, maps, and strategy that is. I knocked lightly on the door, "Come in," Cullen responded in a commanding voice.

I pressed the door open, he looked exhausted; the dark circles under his eyes spoke of sleepless nights. I felt like I was imposing. 

"Are you okay commander? You don't quite look like yourself."

"No rest for the wicked,” he quipped with a weak smile.

"You're far from such a title." I returned, not liking the implication.

"Hmm" He responded as if he was drifting.

I watched him drifting in a strange daze, it was obvious to me there was a weight around his neck and he was desperately trying to break free. The image was overwhelming. It was him who had to break me from my own trance. 

"Landra?" I heard him call.

This forced me to focus on him rather than looking through him. How long had I been staring? Heat rushed to my cheeks. "Sorry, did you say something?"

"Yes, I know you were Sera's accomplice with her little pranks. Don't consider yourself off the hook for that. It drove me to distraction trying to figure out what you two had done." He looked to me with what looked like a mix of annoyance and amusement.

"I have no idea to what you're referring." I smiled.

His lips curled at the edges revealing his humour of the situation, he quickly tried to counter it with a stare that failed to display any of what I could only guess was an intent to appear stern. Instead, the smile grew until his strained eyes looked less pained. He coughed and quickly regained some of his composure, his eyes fixed upon me as he remarked, "You can't play the innocent, I have seen your work after all. I will think of a fitting punishment for when you return." He looked away swiftly, his eyes dropping to the papers before him.

I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that but there was a lingering embarrassment that kept my cheeks aflame until I reached my room. A sense of guilt began to take hold, why had I sought Cullen out? Krem should be the only man in my thoughts I admonished myself. I took my time getting ready so that I looked as presentable as possible for Josephine's sake and to keep my condemning thoughts at bay. 

I took to her office, to find her ready but lost in her work as I entered the room. I had to cough loudly to announce my presence. 

"It appears we will have an additional companion joining us at the winter palace. I was rather surprised by the request," the ambassador confessed.

I wondered whether Sera had changed her mind, but there was no way the ambassador would look so calm if it were Sera. "Who is it?" I pressed.

"Solas. I had no idea you two were so close."

"After everything I have been through, he has been there for me. Chaos makes for strange allies," I remarked feeling a little awkward.

"Yes, indeed," she breathed as if recalling an unusual ally of her own, she continued with a hint of exasperation, "We shall make our way to Orlais. I hope these talks will be as civil as possible. Peace is not an easy notion."

I had no idea of peace or what it meant myself, I was unsure what I could offer other than company and an ear should things become heated. I would not admit it, but Solas's company would keep my mind at ease, knowing there was one person who knew what I was and could aid me if needed despite my reservations and the uttering's of that cruel voice. I was thankful it had for whatever reason chosen to remain silent.

I waited for Josephine to sign the last of the papers before her. I noticed her pass them over to a messenger as we walked through the hall. The usual lingering lords and ladies milled about, having nothing better to do than cling to the inquisition in the vain hope of its victories becoming theirs. I paid them no mind because while I knew I would have to play to the egos of the Orlesian lords and ladies later, I had no wish to do it here. I had never been to the winter palace but my impending return led me to recall my time in Orlais and not fondly.

I had not been mistreated in Orlais but I witnessed others being treated poorly and the guilt had stayed with me as I had failed to speak up. I was not too confident or sure of myself at the time but that did not excuse my silence. I did not wish to bear witness to the same cruelty now that I could no longer hold my tongue, and I did not want to play their games. They all hid behind masks, guising their dark intent and covering the blood staining their hands with courtly gloves. The idea made me shudder, but this had not exactly been voluntary, so I took a deep breath and mounted the horse the stable master had readied for me.

I looked to Solas who sat on his own horse beside me and gave a gentle nod. He did look odd in formal attire, it did not suit his slender physique and seemed to swallow him up. I smiled to the Ambassador as she instructed us to begin our journey. The ambassador seemed a little freer as we rode on, her smile was easy and her posture more relaxed than I expected given what we were riding toward. She took this time to press me, or at least that was how it felt to me.

"I realise I know so little of you Landra. Where is it you hail from?"

I felt unable to answer her as for how would I explain things without revealing too much, so I ran over the facts in my head, wondering what to leave out. I was brought up in Denerim, and my family was given the choice of sending me away or leaving as I was apparently too much trouble. My gift, or curse, had manifested early and men with power did not like that a child could see through their lies and false smiles. I did not know I was doing anything wrong but this didn't matter, no matter how many times my parents exclaimed, ‘She is just a child. She has no idea what she is saying.'

I know now that my parents feared what might happen to us all if we were to leave the business they had worked so hard to build up; be it poverty, persecution or starvation. That fear overruled the fear for my safety were they to send me away. As a result, I was sent to live with my grandmother in Redcliffe, but I was a child and it felt like they were abandoning me. When I was in Redcliffe, my gift only grew in power and it started to frighten me. The nightmares alone led to me awaken with a terrified scream far too often for my frail grandmother to handle. So I was moved once more to a friend of hers who was more interested in free labour than taking care of me. I did not want to tell anything of this to Josephine. I had fallen silent for too long, it was beginning to seem a little suspicious.

So I simply stated, "Denerim."

"Oh, I thought that lilt in your accent sounded familiar. What of your family? Do they still live there?"

I had no idea. I had not seen my parents since they sent me away, as on some level I still resented them. "Yes, they run a general store," I lied.

I had no idea if they were still there, or living for that matter, and that thought made me feel strangely sad.

"Ah, what is it called perhaps I know of it?" She sounded so intrigued.

I was beginning to feel a little backed into a corner by my own words, and now I feared to tell her more as when I became anxious I would either ramble or fall to silence. So not wanting to explain my estrangement, I fell silent. 

Solas broke the silence with a simple question, "Have you visited Orlais before Landra?"

Josephine looked at me curiously as if wondering if I would answer this question or remain silent. I looked to Solas with a grateful glance before remarking, “yes but I have not been to the winter palace itself. What is it like?"

"It is a grand palace. I rather enjoyed the intrigue surrounding the ball.”

I raised my eyebrow as I had not expected Solas to like such a place, but he was like the Orlesian's in one respect as currently he too was wearing a mask. I still found myself grinning at the idea of Solas at an Orlesian ball. I could picture Josephine among them with ease but she was not like them, only wise to the game and it's ever changing rules.

"I am rather surprised, Solas. I can't quite picture you at one of their events," I remarked.

"I have watched the rise and fall of such empires, the illusion and drama is an enjoyment to witness." he returned with a twinkle in his eye.

I was still a little taken aback to find Solas not adverse to such surroundings given that it had been elven servants I had seen mistreated, but maybe I was making too many assumptions, I needed to rely more on my ability to sense the truth. But to rely on my senses in a room full of those intent upon betrayal was difficult, it felt oppressive to feel such rage and despair from so many. That was another reason I had hated my time in Orlais.

I was thankful that for the rest of the first half of the journey Solas managed to get Josephine talking about her dealings with those who would be present for the talks, however, this did lead her to ask, "You have met king Alistair. What was it like in the Ferelden court? It has been some time since I had an opportunity to go."

"It was as any other, possibly less on a grand scale than Orlais but no less fraught. King Alistair was genuinely kind to me, I was glad of it," I smiled recalling how he had made me feel at ease in such a hostile environment.

She smiled as she stated, "You will be glad to see him again. You both speak highly of each other."

"You yourself must know what it is like to be among lords and ladies, it is rare to find a friend among them, or that has been my experience." I wondered if I had just revealed a little too much of my displeasure.

"Yes, that can be the case. You must meet them as an equal, the moment they believe they have the power or upper hand you're at a disadvantage. Do not worry, I will not leave you to the mercy of the court," she assured me.

"I am glad to hear it," I confessed with a sigh of relief.

I smiled at Josephine and turned to look at Solas and remarked, "I am glad to have two such capable and experienced companions as we step into the lion's den."

The voice had been silent for so long, but now it had to make itself known. It was louder than it had ever been and it hissed within my mind, 'Yes it is much safer for a lamb to be led by a wolf and a murderer.' After the voice fell silent, my head throbbed. I would not let this take away the ease I had begun to feel in the company of my travel companions. I tried to focus solely on my breathing, trying to not let the wave of anxiety overwhelm me.

"Landra?" I heard Solas push through the rising panic. His eyes conveyed concern and a questioning.

"I am just a little anxious at returning to the company of lords and ladies," I remarked hastily in half truth.

"Do not worry. I will be at your side."

That remark should have been reassuring but the voice had shaken me more than I cared to admit, I prayed it would not speak any more cruel words to me, as it had hurt when the words resounded in my mind.   
We found a tavern that could accommodate us, as we were losing daylight fast. A room with three beds so we did not have to separate. I was unsure if this would be beneficial to me. I felt a little weary and did not wish that voice to confuse and frighten me further. I had to assure myself that Josephine was a good woman, her past had popped up in my nightmares and the unfortunate death in it had not been a cold blooded murder, or done without remorse. Solas was more of a mystery, I could sense so little of him at times but so little to lend credence to the fear my mind was trying to force upon me. I had to push through the shaky feeling and lingering doubt the voices cruel words had left me with. I couldn't help but wonder if the weight of all these years of pain and suffering was starting to put fractures in my mind or if there was more to it than that. It felt darker, like that nightmare of becoming a demon. Was this my demonic nature manifesting within me? I took a deep pained breath as there were no answers, and I feared to press Solas with it. I know he had been the one to warn me of such possibilities but I did not wish to be looked upon as a threat, caged like an animal for fear of the possibilities. I would accept the bars, then I would weaken and fall to the fate I wished to escape.

I walked back outside into the darkness, just in the hope of finding some peace from my own mind as I knew that I wouldn't find it in the nightmares that would plague me this night. The ambassador would hear my cries if she had not already. The idea of being so vulnerable sent a chill through me. The cool air hit me as I stepped outside, it was refreshing. Not a soul milled about outside, making it easier for me to feel a little more at ease. The door beside me creaked in protest as another soul left the warmth of the tavern, I pulled away from the wall and glanced over. It was Solas.

He took up beside me, "What troubles you?"

I sighed heavily wondering whether I could put my trust in him but I had little choice, no one else knew much about what I was. "Can we continue my training?"

"Of course, that is why I requested to join you on your journey. Peace of mind at times can be a harder path than the peace the ambassador wishes to promote."

I sighed heavily and stated, "I think you're right."

After a comfortable silence passed, we returned to the bustling tavern but quickly retired to our shared room. Solas and Josephine sort out the serenity or peace of sleep in their beds that would elude me. I wanted to avoid sleep for as long as possible, but the distance travelled and the stress upon my mind had taken its toll. I slipped into the murky darkness of sleep knowing that nightmares would soon plague me.


	15. An idealistic notion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra's gift is much more than anyone realised, she must learn to control it? Can she? Landra is also forced to recall the precarious nature of the royal court with a few missteps to remind her of its dangers.

I jolted awake from another tiresome nightmare. This one had left me especially drained, as I tried recalling the details of the dream they began to fade from memory. This was strange as most of my dreams remained so vivid after waking. I could now only recall strong feelings of anger and the fear of dying alone. Who had these feelings come from? Was it the ambassador or was it Solas? I could only guess. Maybe Solas in his dreaming state was more susceptible to my gift and I was finally able to touch his mind. For the first time I must not have cried out as both Solas and the Ambassador appeared to still be sleeping. The ambassador seemed to be sleeping soundly but Solas looked to be in the grips of his own nightmares. I pulled up slowly, my steps were shaky as I wandered over to Solas's bedside. I could not leave him to suffer as he was. He was gasping as he tossed and turned. I reached out an unsteady hand and pressed it to his clammy forehead and whispered 'peace' in a strange ethereal voice.

That was not my voice. The sound escaping my mouth startled me as it was so unfamiliar and yet it had not required a second thought. Solas seemed to calm, he became still and his breath evened. I pulled my hand back beginning to feel less sure of myself and what I was. These abilities, still unknown to me, intrigued and terrified me. What was it Solas had told me? That I was connected to every being, maybe it was that connection that allowed me to share and relieve them of their pain. But the risk of taking on this pain left me susceptible to becoming an embodiment of it, a demon. I had so many questions that would have to wait. The urge to know was creating a dull ache in my temples. I took this time to clean up slowly before the sun rose and woke the others. Being ready to leave, I slipped out of the room to find the tavern deserted. The travellers had left their mark; crude carvings of initials on tables as if in the hopes someone might see it and remember them. I ran my fingers over the letters and a strange chill ran through me. A sense of fear lingered it left me to wonder who had sat here and what had them so terrified, but sadly I had no way of knowing or helping. This was a day of firsts. I was able to sense more than I realised.  
Continuing forward I pushed the door open and stepped outside. The wooden wall of the inn scratched was abrasive against my skin through the thin cloth of my shirt as I leant against it and watched the sunrise. As I took a deep breath, the air was cool and crisp in my lungs and I felt instantly refreshed. The sun slowly rose over the horizon. The bright light forced my tired eyes to squint. Allowing me to see the pale colours of the sky turn bright and alive and I sighed, knowing that peaceful moments such as these would be rare for me. I heard the door creak just as the sun climbed over the horizon and turned the whole sky into a beautiful tapestry of colours. Tearing my eyes away I saw it was the ambassador and Solas and they were ready to leave. The ambassador mounted her horse gracefully and sat with the ease and alert stance of an experienced rider, the reign’s firm in her grip. Solas wandered over to me as I was about to pull away from the wall. He stated in a gentle tone, "I know it was you who eased my mind and saw a glimpse of my troubles. I know this was done without intent and with kindness but please do refrain from invading my privacy in the future." Solas may have said it with a gentle voice but there was no mistaking the warning within, no matter how politely it was uttered. 

"I am sorry Solas."

"For which part of it?" he remarked with what sounded like mild annoyance.

"All of it. And I am sorry that you suffer." I looked at him with compassion at the heart of it but there was a growing concern as to what he was hiding if he feared me stepping into his mind. 

The fear and anger had been powerful enough to wake me, so he must be suffering greatly, but the wall was firmly back in place and his intent was again a mystery to me. I sighed heavily. 

The second part of our journey was done in silence. Everyone looked tired but seemed eager to press on. The gates of the winter palace in Halamshiral became clear upon the horizon. A vast building standing alone amidst lavish grounds and as we drew closer you could see that there were guards at the gates. The Ambassador took the lead and handed them a scroll with a royal seal upon it.

The guard opened the scroll and looked at the ambassador. Then he looked at me and Solas with suspicion. "These are your guests, my Lady?"

"Yes, the empress was informed of their attendance."

He glanced back down at the scroll and unrolled it further, "My apologies Ambassador, but we must always exercise caution. Your horses and belongings will be seen to."

"Thank you. And of course, I understand. I am glad to see such diligence."

We dismounted and the guards took our horses to the stables. The ambassador smoothed out her formal wear, I followed suit. I hated such gatherings and I could already see nobles ahead of us looking down upon the elven servants with disgust. The strong emotions around me began to seep into my consciousness, the elven servant girl's rage bubbling beneath the surface. Her eyes fell to me and she repeated in a haggard fashion and with a forced smile, "Welcome to the winter palace. Should you have need of anything I will do all I can to assure your stay is a comfortable one."

"Thank you for your welcome, but I will be fine," I remarked without thinking.

The elven girl's brow was knitted and her eyes narrowed. The nobles before me gasped at my declaration and I turned to the ambassador and whispered, "what did I do wrong?"

In a similarly hushed tone, the ambassador replied, "nothing. The nobles are used to being waited on hand and foot, and to hear another choose not to is shocking to them. As for the elven girl I can assume she has not often been thanked or not called into service. They usually assign a servant to each guest on such occasions."

"Sorry, Ambassador," I remarked, feeling as if I should have been aware of such etiquette. It had however been some time since I had been within this world of decadence. 

She laughed softly. "It is of no consequence. It will not be the scandal of the court, and if that is the worst slight committed here then I would count ourselves lucky.”

I walked in behind the ambassador and we found ourselves milling about in the foyer. It was then I heard a familiar voice gasp, "Oh thank the maker, a friendly face." It was Alistair. He took my hand and kissed it in a very gallant fashion that led me to giggle nervously. He nodded to Solas and the ambassador and remarked, "Ambassador, I am grateful the inquisition could spare you. Such delicate matters need possibly more tact than I possess."

"You sell yourself short your majesty. But I am glad to be of aid. Peace should always be something we strive for,” the ambassador remarked with confidence.

"Indeed," Alistair replied in a businesslike manner.

Alistair led us all into the palace. Once inside I could see that it was as glorious as Solas had told me. The stairway was grand, the bannisters tempered with gold leaf, fragile and very expensive, I just followed in awe, the ceilings were so high I had to arch my neck to see its full glory. This, however, was not the smartest of moves given that I was walking up steps. I tripped up ungraciously, barely catching myself. The only trace of clumsiness was the "oof" that slipped out as I stumbled. The ambassador momentarily turned back and regarded me with her head tilted to one side before she turned and continued on. I sighed with relief; I did not wish to make myself or the ambassador look foolish if I could help it.

When we reached the doors of the great hall, they were pushed open to reveal a long table in the middle of the floor, surrounded by sombre faces of lords, ladies and commanders of armies. The lords and ladies I assumed to be wealthy landowners - only they would have a stake in such matters - money and power were inextricably linked after all. The commanders stood out from the lavishly dressed lords and ladies as they were in the armor of their native land, sitting straight and proud, with their eyes concentrated upon those across from them. At the head of the table sat the royalty, dressed in formal attire yet they wore crowns about their heads as if to remind the room of their station. Alistair was the only one who did not have a crown upon his brow but he had the commanding presence of a commander and they all knew who he was, he did not need or want to put on airs.

"Ambassador and King Alistair," A thick orleisian accent called. "Ambassador, I welcome you, it is nice to see you again. And I do wish for a proper introduction of your guests," she requested as her eyes flittered over me and Solas.

"Forgive me, empress. This is Landra, she is an artist of much esteem. I hope that if all should go well she could commemorate such a gathering." I bowed, feeling ill at ease as I did so. The tension within the room could be cut with a knife. The stiff postures and nervous glances revealed more than they knew. "Ah yes, many with the court speak highly of her talent. That would be a gracious gift Lady ambassador. And the elven...fellow?"

"This is Solas, he has taken a mentor role for our talented artist here. So his presence is a necessity."

"I see. I do not wish to be ungracious but they will have to wait outside."

"I understand," I bowed my head and followed Solas out.

I looked to Solas. "So what now?"

"We train. It is clear you need to be able to control your gift."

I grimaced as I recalled the dim memory of pain. I had never felt guilty nor seen it as an invasion of privacy until Solas had uttered it. If I could gain some control that would mean some peace for me, maybe that dark voice would not return. We stepped outside the palace into the vast grounds, were Solas walked me through calming breathing exercises and light callisthenics.

"For a quiet mind, one must also achieve peace in the body. The two are inexorably linked," he remarked before an exhale.

I began to feel the motions become smooth, and my balance became steady. My breath was not laboured or strained as I drew in deep breaths and exhaled. "Do you feel more centred?"

"Yes," I answered calmly.

"I want you to now recall the feelings when entered the great hall. Go back to that moment, what did you sense?"

"I felt as if I was on the edge of a knife. I feared were the final push would come from." I exclaimed with a growing anxiety. 

A pressure grew within my chest. My breath became pained as I continued to vainly try to breathe in and out calmly. The fear grew until it felt as if its shadow was greater than mine. I gasped, my chest grew tight until I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I felt light-headed as if I was being pulled away, far away.

"Ma Garas mir renan," Solas called to me.

I found myself struggling internally as the shadow tried to overwhelm me. Give in and I will take the fear away. Trust me.

Solas called, "Lath aracal ena."

I felt cold as I let go of the fear desperately clinging to me. It was not easy to release the burden as it felt as if it was part of me and as it slipped from me I was terrified that it would consume me, but the shadow seemed to shrink. My surroundings returned to me as I continued to listen to Solas's calming voice, guiding me back. When I opened my eyes again, I felt as if a small burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I did not recall ever feeling so free, it was intoxicating. Taking in a deep breath to fill my desperate lungs and turned to Solas who looked as if he was staring in amazement. "What?" I pressed as I was eager to have his gaze off me.

"You did not see it? You fought off a demon as if you were an experienced mage. I have only seen such an act a few times in all my years. I was correct in that there is more to you than even we have realised. I would suggest you rest, you look weary."  
I wondered if that was good or bad but I did not voice my concern. Following his advice I slowly wandered to a bench within the gardens and sat down. For a moment I panicked, wondering if we had alerted the palace guard with our shouting.

"Did we not drawn attention to ourselves?"

"No. I made sure to cast an illusion. To anyone watching it appeared as if we were merely having a spirited debate."

"Very spirited," I joked and smiled weakly.

"Yes, indeed. How are you feeling? Ready to try again?" I felt drained but nodded. He pushed me but never over my limit. At the end of it, I felt shaken but stronger, more resilient. Each time had been easier but the exertion took its toll on me. "I think we shall call an end to your training for today."

I was relieved to hear him say it, as I felt I had no choice but to continue - I would not be forced into becoming a danger to this world. When the shaking finally subsided, I simply smiled and followed as Solas began to move forwards. We walked the grounds, not saying a word at first but enjoying the calm outside and the momentary peace within. I found myself glancing at Solas as he walked with his eyes closed as if he knew each step so well, his arms lightly swayed with each gentle step. On some level I felt a sense of respect to his knowledge and patience to teach, but I remained wary towards what I still didn't know about him.

Solas slowed, looked to me and uttered, "have you no questions Falon?"

My curiosity about Solas had remained and I began to wonder what his long life had been like, maybe if I asked I would find out something, anything.

"What was the world like all those years ago?" I mused.

"It was a very different place," he sighed heavily. "Not the question I was expecting. Do you not wish to ask about your gift?"

I felt a mild annoyance at his evasion of my question but him being the only one I could talk to, I stressed, "it does not always feel like a gift."

"It is alike to magic, training and understanding is necessary. I am sorry that you had no one when you were younger, it must have been frightening."

I found myself feeling a resistance to being forthcoming, so I stated, "it was confusing, yes."

Solas's eyes narrowed upon me before he added, "what do you wish to know?"

"What was it like for you when you were younger?"

"It was a different world to the one you have grown up in but there was still injustice. I could not allow it to continue. So I took a stand and it left me stranded. Alone."

The final word seemed to linger in the air. Solas's eyes looked sad, it made me feel a little guilty for pressing him. I did realise he had still not told me much but it was enough. 

"I am sorry I pressed you."

"I understand. Will you tell me what troubles you?"

"I can't quite put it into words," I confessed feeling a little overwhelmed at the idea of telling anyone I was hearing voices.

"Tell me when you are ready," he assured me.

A strange bell sounded out from within the palace and I looked to Solas who remarked, “it would seem that we have been out here longer than I realised…That would be a call for dinner. I wonder if they will have any of those frilly cakes."

With a raised brow I looked to him feeling amused to hear him talk of craving sweets. I shook my head 

"Where do we go?" I ask, unsure as to whether we would eat with everyone else or if we are separate.

"We shall find out. In the kitchen with the servants or with the lords and ladies, either would be intriguing in its own right."

"True indeed,” I replied as I followed Solas back inside. 

There were so many doors it would be easy to lose yourself. Solas pushed open a door to the side and revealed a lavish dining room, the long tables assuring that the head of the house can be as close or as distant from their guests as they choose to be. They all looked a little weary; the generals are rubbing their temples. Peace must be an odd notion to those trained in the art of war. I saw the ambassador being rather animated as she spoke with one of the lords. Alistair would look lost amongst them but he seemed more interested in the array of cheeses before him. I looked to Solas as I did not see room for us. "I am following you, mentor." 

"Mentor?"

"Sorry Solas, it felt right to say."

"I quite like the title," he chuckled, "we shall continue to the kitchen. I imagine you will feel more at ease there."

Solas was right; I felt more at ease amongst the palace workers. Even though everyone was quite busy it was still more relaxed than the dining room with all the forced smiles and people hiding behind titles. After things calmed down, the servants and guards began to amass in the kitchen and started passing about plates of meat, fruit, cheese and bread. There were also soups and wine the royalty was unaware of.  
I had expected the servants and guards would bear some resentment to our presence but I did not feel distain, I felt at ease. It was amusing to hear the stories of the foolish exploits of the lord's and ladies. I guffawed when a serving girl called Ella told us of the stately couple who put on airs and graces but behind closed doors they were common as muck. I was a little merry and it was nice to see Solas actually being part of the group, he didn't share stories but neither did I. He did, however, smile throughout amusing anecdotes and ate and drank his fill. "It is nice to see you so relaxed," I remarked as Solas laughed. 

"I would say the same of you Falon."

"What does that mean?"

"Friend."

"I am honoured that you think of me as such."

"You are not like most humans," he remarked as if astonished.

"What are most like?" I mused.

"Not so wise or understanding, in my experience.” 

"I didn't have a choice."

"You may not have but you could have used this gift against others at any opportunity, and yet you have used it to aid others." 

As he spoke of my gift I could sense those around us just assuming me a mage, which was a relief, no explanations. "Thank you," I finally replied feeling a little embarrassed by the compliments to my character, I didn’t want to accept or believe them.  
A hush fell over the room and I looked over to see whose presence had rendered everyone mute. Alistair stood in the doorway looking sheepish. Ella asked, "what can I do for you, your majesty?"  
"Is there any more of this cheese?" He inquired with wide eyes.

I laughed and he looked over to me and returned my smile. "I wondered where you had run off to. Smart to hide away. Care to join me and maybe enjoy some of this cheese?"

"I don't like cheese." I grimaced at the thought.

He almost looked horrified. "There was me thinking we were made for each other," he tutted, half a smile edging at the corner of his lips. "Despite your awful confession, I would still like to steal you a moment."

It felt like all eyes were upon me as if I was doing something wrong. I felt strange leaving the kitchen with Alistair, Solas being the only one who wasn't staring. "Training bright and early," Solas reminded as he bid me farewell.

I nodded and fell into step beside Alistair. I glanced up at him and smiled. "So, made for each other, are we?" I teased.

"Well not now that I know the painful truth. You're a cheese hater," he snickered to himself.

I was enjoying this banter, it felt comfortable and easy but I felt a urge to know how the talks were going so I pressed, "I know you can't tell me anything about the talks, but a simple good or bad would do, a nod or shake of the head even?"  
I hoped things were going well as the last thing needed was war on many fronts; it was bad enough that there was one mad man out there.

"I would love to be able to give you an idea but I can't I am afraid. I can, however, say that I am glad to be in your company, preferable to that rabble in there," he grumbled before his eyes widened and he continued, "Don't tell them I said that."

"I shall announce it to all who will listen. You will be the scandal of the court." I giggled.

"You wouldn't dare," Alistair declared in mock horror.

"Oh, wouldn't I?" I remarked in good humour.

Alistair laughed softly. His smile seemed to fade slowly and his expression became thoughtful as he looked to me and asked, "Shall we go for a walk? It would be nice to step away don't you think?"

"I agree, but you will have to take the lead, I barely know my way around here."

"It will be the blind leading the blind then. The first to ever get lost in the winter palace grounds not exactly what I wish to be remembered for.”

His smile was wide, his eyes alight with amusement. I shook my head as a grin turned my lips and followed Alistair back out onto the grounds. The sun had been replaced with pale moonlight and the dim flicker of torches beside the door made the first few steps easy, but after that, I found it hard to find my way. I found myself reaching for the wall for support, but instead, I found the warmth of Alistair's hand in mine. Pulling my hand free I muttered, "I apologise. I was reaching for the wall, I assure you."  
"Another stab to my delicate ego,” he strained as he gripped his chest as if wounded.

"It is not very easy to see," I tried to assure him and myself. I did wonder if he had taken my hand intentionally.

"What kind of gentleman would I be if I let you stumble about in the dark?" he said as he offered his hand to me.

I hesitantly took his hand and was immediately grateful as it steadied my cautious footsteps. When Alistair stopped and looked up at the full moon, its light masked by a thin veil of cloud, so did I. The pale lights of the night had always been beautiful to me so I didn't mind the interruption. The trees looked haunted and yet the light motion in the breeze made the vision hypnotic. The gentle rustling was calming and I forgot myself for a moment, leaning my head against Alistair's shoulder. When I registered what I had done, my eyes widened and I tensed, slowly pulling my head away. Alistair's hand squeezed mine lightly and my eyes shifted to his regal profile. "It is beautiful isn't it?" he said softly.

"Indeed. I have always loved the soft hues of the night."

"Ah yes, an artist see’s beauty in all things I suppose," he stated hastily as if his mind had been elsewhere.

"Natural beauty is captivating. The flaws only add to it."

"You should see how your eyes light up when you talk about your work, true passion. It's adorable."

I felt a flush across my cheeks. "Yes, I could not imagine doing anything else."

"Everyone treats me as if I'm either someone to tiptoe around or someone to use for station or power. You treat me like any other." Alistair remarked, "It's nice."

"Thank you," I replied hastily, feeling flustered.

When I looked back up at him I found him closer than I remembered and I suddenly felt anxious in his company. His stare was intense and my heart thundered in my chest, trying to wake me from this sudden trance, but I couldn't break away. I was both relieved and shocked to hear Josephine's voice calling out for me.

"Ah, it would seem that you are wanted,” He sighed heavily, “I will see you tomorrow."

"Majesty," Josephine remarked in reverence as Alistair past her and stepped back inside leaving me outside with a rather annoyed looking ambassador. Her eyes did not fall as kindly upon me. "Landra, I must ask that you be more cautious. I am already hearing whispers of the king of Ferelden sneaking away with an unknown guest." 

"Unknown guest? Not sure I like that moniker," I smiled, hoping to lighten the mood.

Josephine took her hand to her forehead and sighed with exasperation before she explained, "these things can get out of control quickly. Let this be an end to it...what were you doing out here?"

"Taking a breather is all," I tried to assure her and myself.

"Hmm, looked a little more intimate to me and I have no agenda. Do you see what I mean?" She stressed her eyes locked on mine as if trying to see if her point had sunk in.

I broke her stare and responded feeling a little dejected, "I am sorry, ambassador. It has been so long since I was among royalty and those with a title. I have forgotten the etiquette and caution necessary in word and action."

"Please take this time to recall it. These talks are more important than your friendship. I am sorry to say this but he has a duty and appearance to withhold in the court."

I nodded, feeling a little like a child being told off by her elders but I knew she was right. Here, anything was ammunition to use against your enemies, it was never wise to hand them a blade to use at their discretion. There was nothing to it anyway, I told myself. It would be easy to avoid Alistair, given I was not a part of the talks. And it was nothing but an overactive imagination, he was just being hs friendly and adorably awkward self I assured myself. I followed the ambassador inside where she was kind enough to guide me to my room. As I bid her goodnight, I shrunk a little under her warning glare; I must recall what company I am in and what games they play.

When I stepped inside my room, I was surprised to find it bigger than I had expected, but as a guest rather than a worker I had slightly elevated status. There were torches already lit so I could see the room and all its lavish details. My eyes took straight across to the bed, it was huge four poster bed, and it looked so inviting. I began to make way over to it; it was strange to have room to manoeuvre. I could have danced about if I had chosen to. My bags were upon the bed, I was about to motion for them when I noticed the second one looked open and empty leading me to wonder ‘where are my clothes?’ I looked about for them and found them across from the bed upon a chair set against the wall just by the window, laid out in a manner that would keep them unwrinkled and easy to pick up in the morning. As everything had to have the illusion of perfection in such places, any perceived flaw was a target. I felt ill at ease to think of a servant having to attend to anything I could do for myself, but and there was nothing I could do about it now. I glanced out the window and found that I had a lovely view of the grounds. It was so captivating I could have stared for hours at the gardens cast in the pale light of the moon. But I was weary so I turned back to the bed and as I sat upon it. I pulled my bag toward me and I realised I had yet to do any work upon Varric’s book. So I freed the copy of Varric's book with the intention of starting something or at least reading the first chapter. The cover having only a title was rather strange, it needed a dramatic fitting image on the cover. I couldn't wait to get lost in my art and his words, but after but a few pages my head began to loll. I would find time tomorrow, I hoped. I had been looking forward to this latest instalment. He had referred to it as drivel but I did not agree he was a storyteller and a captivating one. I placed it back in my pack as I didn't wish anyone to happen upon it. I pushed my bags under my bed, amazed there was an under. I pulled back up before I got too comfortable and I took off my formal wear carefully, folded it and draped it over another chair aside the window. I noticed there was a nightdress on the bed ‘how had I missed it?’ It was rather crinkled but it didn’t matter no one would be seeing me in them. I pulled on it over my head and smoothed it down. It was thin material but gave a little modesty and warmth. As I sank into the bed wearing the night dress, I luxuriated in the soft mattress and the warmth of the covers. It was much more comfortable than the bed I had back in Skyhold and I smiled to myself as I pulled the covers tight about myself feeling snug. Before long I found myself drifting off.


	16. Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra finds her relationships with those at the winter palace are becoming complex

I jolted awake with a sharp gasp and name on my lips. “Krem,” I called out to the ether.

 

My hand was gripped to my chest in reaction to a pain and pressure radiating through me. I strained through deep shaky breaths and found slowly that the pain began to ease but I was left with a strange feeling. The bed that had seemed so inviting now felt vast and empty, like a void that threatened to swallow me whole. It was still dark outside and I was starting to feel I would never find peace. A sense of guilt lingered in my mind, how could I have even looked at another? I had to drag myself to the edge of the bed to steady myself but it did little to ease my racing mind. Dropping my head into my hands I sighed heavily and pulled up onto my feet. Reaching my hand to my bedside I found the cool touch of metal beneath it. Glancing to what my hand was holding to and found it was a candle, there had to be a striker close by and thankfully it was to hand. Lighting the candle cast back the shadow, I cautiously lit the torches. This made it easier to see and when I looked around the room I found my eyes drawn to the other end. There was a wooden tub in the furthest corner that I had somehow missed yesterday. I wandered over to find it full, the water cold but it would hopefully be just the shock I needed to drive away these cruel thoughts. The nightgown bunched around my feet as I disrobed and when I stepped free of it, I left it on the floor. Without waiting for my mind to tell me to stop, I plunged a foot into the cold water and I gasped at the sudden cold, trying to breathe as steadily as possible before I swiftly dropped the rest of my body in the tub. My breath hissed through my teeth as the chill of the water both burned and winded me. The frigid water was a shock to my system and senses and I shivered as I cleaned myself. Pulling under the water for a moment, and for a split-second I found myself wondering if it would be better if I never surfaced again but as quickly as the dark thought crossed my mind it faded. I surfaced and gulped in the air greedily. There was no possible way to luxuriate in the burning cold, so I pulled up and stepped out to dry my skin as best as I could with a towel I found on a nearby table. Now dry, I inspected the formal wear left out for me. It was plain but well fitted as if to show that I was merely a guest, not one of any significant station but that was fine with me. The clothes gave my body some of the precious warmth I had taken from it. Still a little cold, I shuddered. I had to focus on my training and avoiding all contact with Alistair given my foolish slip.

I felt nervous about my training, given how frightening and exhausting it had been yesterday. The demons seemed closer than I had realised as if they were following me wherever I went. I had to cast a cautious glance over my shoulder then quickly sweep my eyes over the whole room to assure myself I was alone. But even that did not settle my nerves, as they may not be visible, just waiting. This put me on edge, maybe one of them was this cruel voice that whispered in my ear. Shaking the creeping fear from my mind, I tried to focus on my tasks for the day. It saddened me to recall again that I would have to avoid Alistair. He was a good man, but the Ambassador was right I admitted with a heavy sigh. A knock sounded out and I walked over to the door, pulling it open. 

 

“Are you ready to continue your training?” Solas remarked with enthusiasm.

 

It was too early for such enthusiasm, but I just smiled and nodded, ignoring the irritation. I was tired, that was all.

 

The training took place in the gardens and was as vigorous as yesterday's had been, and I grew weary as the sun began to beat down upon me. My head was pounding and my mind swimming with thoughts that were hard to differentiate, were they mine or someone else’s? It had always been difficult to tell. I staggered but Solas caught my arm and aided me to sit on a bench in the gardens.

 

“Am I pushing you too hard?” He asked with concern.

 

I took a deep breath and strained, “No, it’s just all new to me and I must confess it’s rather exhausting.”

 

“I understand. Magic was not so easy for me at first,” he confessed.

 

“Really? You struggled? There was me thinking you were born a master of skills,” I stated with a weak smile.

 

Solas raised a brow and replied, “We must all start somewhere. You will become more than proficient in time, Falon. Would it surprise you to know that a mentor of mine once referred to me as impatient and reckless?”

 

Despite my exhaustion, I guffawed at the thought of Solas as a young mage impatient to learn. “That is rather difficult to imagine.” I smiled.

 

“Well it is true, I was eager to learn it all and as quickly as possible.” Solas smiled gently as if he was recalling his impetuous youth. “But I was lucky and I found a place in which I was able to learn.”

 

“Are you talking of the fade? Was your mentor a spirit?” I mused.

 

“Nothing escapes your intuitive mind, does it? Yes. For the most part, I was like you. I learned to control my magic alone but the peace, knowledge, and serenity of the fade was always available to me. I have always found the wisdom of the spirits of great value. Sadly, the fade would be a dangerous place for you until your gift is under control.” His eyes looked to me with what appeared to be sorrow. “I am sorry for frightening you in the fade all those months ago, it was not my intent. And that mark, would you allow me to remove it?” I felt taken back by his genuine apology and his offer. It would be nice for the mark to no longer irritate my forehead. I nodded. He moved his hand across my forehead, and a gentle light emitted from his palm. Warmth bathed my skin. “You are now free. I want you to trust me through choice. I do not wish to force your hand,” Solas remarked wistfully.

 

“Thank you, Solas. I don’t know what to say,” I stammered, not expecting to feel safe with him and that I could trust him after the infernal whispers of that cruel voice.

 

“You need not thank me. I made a mistake in haste…you, however, have spent years among people who fear your gift, so it will be difficult to get a handle on it at first. Do not be so hard on yourself.”

 

“It wasn’t just their fear, I was afraid and there were times that I thought I was going mad. I feared falling over that edge for a long time,” I confessed.

 

My eyes widened as I realised I had revealed more than I wished to in my exhausted state. I had no filter. The silence was tense and frightening to remain within as I waited for him to look at me with pity or fear. But he did neither he did something unexpected and pulled me into an embrace. He whispered, “I am sorry. You are not mad, I assure you this is a gift.”

 

His assurance did not allay my fears as I thought of the voice, that evil whispering. The worst thing about it was that it would wait until I was in my most vulnerable state then it would speak to me of my fears. I had no way of knowing when it would speak again and that frightened me the most. As Solas released me I forced a smile, he didn’t seem taken by my false cheer but he did not press me. 

 

“I think a break is in order. I will leave you to wander the palace and hopefully you will find a semblance of peace.” 

 

I nodded as he pulled up, I remarked, “What will you do?”

 

“The same,” he returned with a gentle smile.

 

He left my alone with my thoughts. I assumed he was referring to entering the fade for his peace, in hope what I could only guess was clarity, maybe I had misjudged Solas, caught him in a vulnerable moment in which he had lashed out at me like an injured animal. It did not excuse his behaviour, but it helped me understand, and to see him looking so genuinely remorseful for his actions had me reevaluate him, maybe he was my only ally, my only friend.

I returned to my room. The only solace I had ever found had been in my art and I had to lose myself in something, escape this world. I recalled Varric’s book and thought that would be a wonderful distraction. I had to read it first before I drew up the artwork, and I allowed myself to fall into the world he created and was soon lost in someone else’s drama letting my own fall to the wayside. I was so immersed in the book I barely heard the knock on my door. Absentmindedly, I went towards the door but did not lift my nose from the book as I opened it. I assumed it was Solas or the Ambassador, but even then I should have taken my nose out of Varric's latest work. The book was torn from my hands and I heard Alistair proclaim, "What on earth are you reading?"

 

I was startled as he closed the door and walked past me, his eyes scanning the chapter before a wide grin crossed his face. 

 

"I never expected you would like such stories?" he laughed. 

 

So much for keeping my promise to the ambassador. My cheeks burned with embarrassment, why did he have to barge in on that chapter of all chapters. 

 

"I am helping a friend, I assure you." 

 

"Of course you are," Alistair continued with amusement. 

 

"Can I have it back now?" I pressed. 

 

"No I am not done reading this chapter, I want to know how it ends," he continued with a soft chuckle. 

 

"I think you can guess. Please Alistair, can I have it back now?" I pleaded, desperate to get this teasing to stop and him to make a swift exit before anyone saw him. 

 

"Why? I do so enjoy making a beautiful woman blush. Maybe I should read it aloud so the court can hear of your scandalous hobbies," he smiled smugly. 

 

"Alistair you wouldn't dare! You wouldn't make it through the first paragraph without blushing yourself." 

 

"Is that a challenge?" His eyes seemed to sparkle with mischief. 

 

"No...I." I stammered losing my words as my nerves grew. 

 

"His intense gaze fell upon her, they had longed for this moment alone. He drew closer and she could have asked him to leave but she did not want him to. She wanted him to take her in his arms." 

 

Alistair raised his eyebrow and added with what looked like an amused light in his eyes, "Is this what women want? That must be where I am going wrong." 

 

My cheeks were aflame, Alistair's voice had sounded so smooth as he read each word slowly with intent, without a hint of bashfulness or embarrassment. He had gazed over the pages each time he paused, the stare intense. Suddenly, I again began feeling nervous being alone with him in my room. 

 

"Can I have my book back?" I stammered. 

 

"I am not so sure I want to hand it back. I like the effect it seems to be having. Don't think I have you seen you speechless and so nervous. Maybe I should continue? I think I will. Where was I? Oh yes. She had so many questions but he silenced them all with a kiss. A kiss that finally allowed their desire to be spoken, not in words but in passion. His lips took hers, and she returned his urgency." 

 

The mocking stopped and his words trailed off into silence when his eyes continued down the page. He suddenly snapped the book shut and locked his eyes with mine before slowly walking over. I prayed he was coming over to give me the book back, but the tension was palpable. Could he not just return to mocking me? Not knowing what to say or do, I dropped my eyes to the floor to evade his. His fingers gently urged my chin back up and I gulped. He was so close I could feel his warmth through my clothing and. I still felt lost for words. Luckily he broke the silence, "Am I reading this all wrong?" he questioned tentatively with gentle eyes. 

 

"No...but I mean, you're married, Alistair." I finally managed to say in a shaky voice. 

 

"I am." He sighed heavily. "It is more an arrangement of convenience. The woman I loved died a long time ago. I have suffered her absence for so long." He replied sadly. 

 

"I know," I added only hoping to comfort him. 

 

Alistair's eyes narrowed, "How would you know?” Alistair pressed with narrowed eyes. 

 

His expression appeared to be a mix of confusion and sadness and I couldn't tell him the truth so I told him a different truth. "I have lost a love of my own, granted it was not like to yours but I suffer all the same." 

 

"I am so sorry, I had no idea." He released my face. 

 

"It is okay. You weren't to know." I assured him. 

 

"What was he like?" 

 

"He was handsome and understood me in a way I am not sure any other can. Do we only get one true love Alistair?" 

 

"I do not know." 

 

It seemed appropriate to embrace him as I had no words of comfort to offer. I relaxed my arms around him when he returned my embrace. I sighed with relief. We held one another for some time. We leapt apart as if we had done something wrong when we heard Josephine hiss in a hushed tone, "Landra? King Alistair?" 

 

We looked to each other wide eyed. I began, "Josephine..." 

 

She raised her hand and remarked, "I do not wish to hear it. Please be more careful. Whether it is merely friendship or more the Inquisition will not survive such a scandal." 

 

She bowed to Alistair as he edged past her. He stressed, "Do not be too hard on her, Ambassador. I came to see her." 

 

Josephine looked to me and stated, "I hope that should there be a next time she will have the sense to politely decline your company." 

 

Alistair stopped just behind the ambassador and I looked over her shoulder to Alistair as he mouthed, 'I am sorry' Ambassador closed the door quietly behind him as he left me to another reaming. 

 

"Landra you realise this could have been disastrous? No matter how well-meaning, this could have been spun into a scandal with ease. You two already have the court's tongues wagging with how familiar you are acting together. I know you are friends, or maybe there is more, but there can't be. He is the King of Ferelden. To be a mistress is not a life I could imagine you liking, given what little I do know of you. I would suggest limiting your time with Alistair and referring to him as His Majesty, not Alistair." 

 

"I am sorry Josephine, I guess I became a little too comfortable and forgot where I was." 

 

"You cannot do that here. You must never let your guard down for a moment, they will exploit it to their full advantage and this effort at peace will fall apart." 

 

"I will be more careful I assure you." 

 

"Please see that you do." 

In the heavy silence that followed, I felt I had to say something to smooth the tension between myself and the Ambassador. I couldn’t bear to leave this unresolved. So I asked tentatively, “how are the talks proceeding?”

 

"Not as well as I had hoped,” She sighed heavily and continued,” there are petty squabbles and threats. I have never achieved so little in one day. I can only hope things will be better tomorrow…Please do not add to my list of concerns." 

 

A stab of guilt cut through me as she pleaded. Pushing past the shame I looked to her and offered, "If you have need of an ear, you can talk to me ambassador. And I hope this is not necessary but I know a little something about everyone in that room." 

 

"How would you come by such knowledge?" She questioned with a raised brow.

 

"I have worked amongst the nobles long enough to hear things ambassador." 

 

"I would rather play a clean hand." 

 

"As I said only if necessary,” I assured her. 

 

"You are full of surprises, Landra,” She remarked with a smile.

 

“I am indeed,” I smiled knowing she didn’t know the half of it.

 

I did not wish to let my mind race so I picked up Varric’s book and continued my reading, perched on the edge of the bed. The more romantic scenes sent a delightful shiver through me at the memory of Alistair. It was not easy to push him from my mind; even the guilt gnawing in my gut didn’t dispel the image, and the tension of him being so close to me. To hear those words in his voice, and that look, made me tremble. The idea of it was so tempting but sadly the reality was something else entirely as the ambassador had so kindly reminded me. I sighed heavily. It was such a shame that titles and station did not allow for such pairings, but would Alistair understand or accept what I was? I feared that he wouldn’t. I forced my eyes back to the page and worked hard to not allow my mind to drift and daydream of a certain king.


	17. New faces and new revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra meets a new face in the winter palace that leads to a revelation

After another strenuous training session with Solas I decided to wander the palace. It was a vast place and since I was yet to find Sera’s mark I decided to go in search of it, a bit of humour would soothe my frayed nerves. I soon found myself lost in the long winding halls and as I wandered down yet another corridor in this maze of a palace an unknown antivan voice was echoing throughout the corridor. I thought nothing of it until I rounded the corner and noticed a well-dressed lithe blond elf conferring in an animated fashion with Alistair. I froze. I hoped they had yet to see me but just as I was beginning to back away, the elf waved to me. It would be impolite to continue my escape but I couldn’t risk being alone with Alistair, as it seemed I couldn’t trust myself. The comfort I found with him was enticing but I had to erase this from my mind as I walked over slowly, nodding and smiling at the elven man whose perceptive eyes watched me closely. 

As I drew closer I could appreciate how the light armour adorning the elven man's lithe physique revealed enough the toned muscles beneath. His coat of arms was alike in style to the Generals in court but looked lighter and less cumbersome. However, he seemed less rigid in his stance and each motion flowed but with a knowing control. 

Alistair smiled and I felt myself blushing like some smitten teenager. I silently chided myself. The smile widened slightly before he recalled his companion, “Ah, where are my manners? Landra, this is Zevran. Zevran, this is Landra.”

“Charmed,” the elf purred smoothly.

His voice was honeyed, but there was gentleness to his smile that made you feel at ease. Zevran was handsome. His tanned skin was showing the beginnings of age but his age only served to make him more striking. The light wrinkles about his eyes and forehead gave him the look of experience and a life well lived, but by no means an easy one. His confidence in manner and motion, I both envied and admired, I could never hope to be so graceful. Zevran seemed to ooze charm but when he spoke to me it seemed more like his amber eyes had the light of recognition.

“Have we met before?” I pressed with a curious brow raised.

“Not in person no, but Alistair here has been talking about nothing else.” He ribbed Alistair, jabbing his side with a playful elbow.

“He is joking,” Alistair tried to assure me while shooting a warning glare to Zevran. Alistair’s cheeks became as red as my own and a mild amusement took hold of me as well as Zevran.

“May I speak to you a moment my Lady?” Zevran asked.

“Why would you want to speak to me?” I stressed feeling curious yet cautious.

“It is to your benefit trust me,” he assured.

I nodded, feeling it would be safer to be away from Alistair. Bidding him farewell we began strolling down yet another corridor, leading me further into this maze of a palace. 

“What brings you here?” I remarked finding the silence a little awkward.

“I am being paid handsomely to guard an orlesian noble.” He remarked with a knitted brow as if he found the task distasteful.

“Do you not enjoy your work?” I mused.

“It is easy but monotonous work at times, and it is still so strange to be on the other side.” He laughed softly.

“Others side?”

“Yes, I used to be the assassin killing the noble and now I am the one foiling their plans. Although it makes me uniquely qualified to spot a threat, I suppose.”

“I am sure it does,” I remarked a nervous edge in my voice from standing so close to an ex-assassin.

He must have noted my body language. “You need not be worried; there would be only one reason for me to get close to you my lady.” 

There was that charm. I could see how anyone would be drawn in, but I managed to break from my trance like state and remarked, “You’re very charming, for an assassin.”

“Tools of the trade, my dear…but sadly I see you only have eyes for Alistair.” he dramatically grabbed his chest as if wounded.

"We are just friends, I assure you,” I stammered failing to convince both Zevran and myself.

“I have no intent to harm his reputation, or yours, but I have only seen that look in his eye once before when he fell for an old friend of mine.” He sighed heavily.

“Do you mean the Hero of Ferelden?” I exclaimed, shocked by the idea of Alistair looking at me in the same manner. I was nothing like her. A cursed coward was all I was.

His eyes misted over but he seemed to contain the emotion with grace and continued, “Yes, but she was something else to us.”

“I am sorry, yes before stories and legends. I imagine you were close friends. I am sorry for your loss.”

“Yes, it was sad for all of us.” He sighed heavily. As he looked back up to me he pressed, “Indulge my curiosity; do you not share Alistair’s affection?”

“I don’t know," I replied sheepishly, "and even if I did, it isn’t possible.”

“Ah, yes. Sadly, duty asks for sacrifice, better you end it now – that way the talks and neither of you will get hurt.”

“That is the plan,” I replied wistfully.

“Not so easy I take it,” he remarked with a sly smile.

I sighed. “No, he is such sweet and charming man.”

“Charming?” Zevran guffawed,” he must have changed, as I do not ever recall anyone referring to him as such.”

“Can we speak of something else?” I stressed, desperate to stop thinking of Alistair as it was bringing back the feeling of guilt. It was not right to ruin Krem’s memory with such tawdry distractions.

“Of course. During my previous employ with the crows, I had a mentor who was an honourable man, possibly the last of his kind in such a role. He was telling us of the strangest contracts to ever cross his desk. And you were one of them.”

“Me? Someone wants me dead?” I exclaimed in horror.

“Do not worry my lady, this was some time ago now,” Zevran assured me.

“You’re not here to finish the job?” I blurted out.

“No. If so, you would not have seen it coming.”

“Comforting,” I grumbled staggering back against a wall.

“No but a fact, I just know something of you that I thought you may wish to hear,” he offered.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down by focusing on how I did not feel in danger in his company and as my heart slowed I pressed, “I am sorry, it was a shock. Please continue.”

“I understand. Are you well my lady?” He asked with a genuine concern that soothed the doubts in the back of my mind. I nodded and waited for him to continue. “You were but a child when the contract was placed. I do not know what you did to frighten a noble into placing a price upon your head, but luckily much of being an assassin relies upon reputation and to sink so low would lose us any future contracts. So I asked my mentor what became of you and he simply told me he took care of it. He would tell nothing more. I was rather curious and persistent at the time so I did some digging of my own. I found that he had ensured that you disappeared – at least on paper.” 

He looked at me expectantly as if waiting for some kind of reaction. I only felt confused, so I asked, “What do you mean?”

“Landra is not your real name; it was the one he gave you. You were too young to know. The kind family who took you in must have told you something…I was surprised that my mentor became so involved but as I said he was an honourable man. Sadly he passed some time ago.”

“That is nonsense,” I remarked dismissively.

"Which part is difficult to believe?" He returned with a quizzical brow raised.

"I am not adopted or under a false name," I stated curtly, but a renewed sense of doubt left me feeling off balance as I tried to cling to the hope that this was all lies.

"But a noble placing a price upon you head did not shock you? I find that strange. There were adoption papers, as for the name I trust my mentor did it to protect you,” he assured me.

The contract was not a shock to me, as I knew that those in power when threatened would react to protect it. And I recalled that as a child people's secrets would topple out of my mouth as I had no idea of my gift at the time and as a child I lacked the filter to hold back. I must have been lost in my own thoughts for a little too long as when I looked at Zevran again I noticed was seemed like suspicion in his eyes so I hastily added, "of course the price wasn't worth mentioning as it's preposterous."

“It is a lot to take in, I understand, and I assure you that I am a man of my word – as was he,” Zevran seemed taken aback by my confusion. “I apologise. I assumed you were aware of this. Did your parents not tell you?”

“No, they did not,” I confessed feeling at a loss.

“Then I fear I have said too much. I had no intention to upset you. I thought it would assure you to know that there are good people out there.”

A loud bell tolled throughout the halls of the palace, its clangs distant in my ears as I was lost in the latest revelation about my life. 

“I wish I had more time my lady, but duty calls.”

I didn’t care for etiquette and barely looked up as he retreated. It couldn’t be true, but what reason would he have for making up such a story? Now I felt like I knew even less about myself. The shock made me unable to move for some time but a hand upon my shoulder startled me. 

“What troubles you?” Solas pressed with concern. 

Incapable of speaking, I looked at him with confusion before he continued. “You have been gone for some time. I was concerned.”

“I am at a loss,” I finally muttered.

“Is it anything I can aid you with?”

“I don’t know what to believe.”

“About what?”

“Someone here told me the parents I grew up with were my adoptive parents. Who I am is becoming less clear to me, Solas,” I sobbed.

“I am sorry to hear that, Falon. But it makes sense,” he mused.

I turned to him in my confusion and annoyance and exclaimed, “How does that make more sense? How?”

“That you may not be human,” he replied.

“Oh, wonderful. I am so glad I fit into your understanding of the world. To the void with my bloody feelings and thank the gods I am not human,” I spat as I tensed.

“I meant no offence,” he remarked holding up his hands as if in surrender.

“I don’t know what to think. I need to be alone.” my shoulders slumped under the weight of my confusion.

“I understand. If you wish to talk to me I will be in my room. I hope you can find a way to process such a revelation.”

I stormed off toward my room, slamming the door behind me. I had so many questions but I felt so caught off guard I couldn’t get the words out at the time and now I was alone it was no easier to verbalise them. 

“Who am I?” I stammered, looking at my ghostly reflection upon the glass of the window as if that would give me all the answers. If my parents weren’t my parents, I had no idea where I fit in. I wondered if they still lived, maybe they could give me the answers I needed.

Pacing back and forth was wearing me out, so I dropped hopelessly on the bed and pressed my scrambled mind for any minor detail but I couldn’t recall that far back. It had been such a shock. I had thought I knew one thing but it turned out I knew nothing. Screaming into my bedspread until I was hoarse barely took the edge off the frustration and confusion. Desperate for a distraction from my own thoughts, I left my room and began walking in a daze at speed down the corridors. In my haste, I collided with someone and to my horror, I discovered it was the empress. 

"I am so sorry your excellency." I was profuse in my apology and desperate to not cause the ambassador more problems. 

I found myself at the end of a blade held by..... Holding my hands up to show I was not armed, I stammered, “I wasn’t looking where I was going, that is all, I assure you.” The guard was not convinced and he held the blade to my throat until the empress ordered him to stand down. 

“May I help her up?” I asked the guard, not wanting to find a blade to my throat again. He nodded but kept his eyes upon me. The empress seemed lost in her own thoughts as she barely responded. Her fear was so strong it was palpable and I could sense it radiating off her. When I took her hand to steady her it was shaking.

"No harm was done," she remarked in haste and hurried on her way with her guards in tow.

She may have left, but her fear lingered and mixed with my own, leaving me overwhelmed and slightly confused in a now abandoned corridor. In that moment I felt myself drifting as if being pulled away. A disembodied voice whispered 'Do not fight it' Startled, I looked around me, trying to find from whom or where the voice had emanated but I was only met by emptiness and silence. I was alone but a fearful sense growing within me told me otherwise. I could sense a maleficent force surrounding me as if in a cold embrace. Terror began to overwhelm me as if the walls were drawing in upon me. That was when the pain began. I tried to take a deep breath but it came out as a strangled gasp. A strange agony tore throughout my back forcing me to drop to the ground. It felt like something was ripping through my skin. The pain was unbearable and yet I remained conscious. I swore I was screaming, but no sound escaped. My eyesight began to blur. I couldn't see. What was happening to me? Desperately, I tried to breathe through the pain when it suddenly... stopped. I could not see but I could hear and sense the closeness of the ground. The world was mapped before me, no colour just shapes without detail. I was bombarded with fearful thoughts from the entirety of the Winter Palace. Terrified whispers filled my mind, but I could not sense any presence close to me. They called to me as if they were next to me, drowning out every other sound. My every attempt to speak came out as a horrific shriek, each one further terrifying me. This was real, it was no nightmare. I could feel it all. Slowly pulling up I thought I would fall down as I could no longer feel the ground beneath my feet. I was hovering inches from the ground. My feet hung limply in the air. The whispers continued to plague my mind. A compulsion to silence the whispers drove me forth. The loudest voice in my head had to be silenced. I followed the shouting until it became screams in mind. They had to be close. I could almost taste their fear upon the air. The musk of their sweat, the sound of them tensing and shivering, I had a strange urge to taste their tears. End their suffering and mine. Consume their fear. It was that need and thought that brought the hunger to the fore. I was starving. This would sate my hunger. Cries of alarm and metal clanging began to sound out about me. A being of some kind called for those I sensed edging to surround me to back away. 

"I will dispatch with this demon."

'Were they talking about me?' 

I turned to face my attacker, I was not sure how I knew this but it was a clear picture without an image. This one hid his fear well but I could hear it screaming in my mind. How could no one else hear this? I needed to draw it forth to end this painful hunger. Reaching out, I tried to form words but nothing but more horrific cries escaped. It jolted back from my hand and stood as if waiting for something and when that did not occur, it called to me. 

"Falon? Is that you?" It hissed. At first, its words hurt, screaming in my mind, I wanted to silence it. But a part of me - something beyond the hunger - felt desperate for this assurance, "Do not let this terror and confusion take you. Come back."

His painful words seemed to cause greater agony to rush through me, I wanted it to stop but his spoken words wouldn't cease. My body bent and broke while I screamed. 

I awoke aching and surrounded by a warm blanket. Someone was beside me, holding their arms around me soothingly. My eyes opened to a sea of concerned faces. Alistair, Josephine, Solas and some faces unknown to me. My body ached all over. 

"What happened?" I strained through my raw throat.

"You ran into a fear demon. How it got in here I do not know." Solas remarked, his stare imploring me to agree. Acquiescing, I nodded with a sinking feeling in my gut. 

"I would like to return to my room," I pressed shakily.

"Are you sure?" The ambassador asked, her wide eyes demonstrating her concern. 

"I will be okay," I strained in poor assurance.

"Solas, will you stay with her?" The ambassador pleaded.

"Of course. I will watch over her."

"Thank you." 

Alistair scooped me up in his arms, I would have been nervous if wasn't for the creeping suspicion in the back of my mind. It had not been a dream, it was too real. But how was it even possible? My head pressed against Alistair's chest and when he laid me down on my bed, I emitted a strangled cry of pain as a jolt cut through me. A darkened shadow began to cross Alistair's face but I squeezed my eyes closed as if willing it away. I dared to open my eyes and was thankful to find his face clear. 

"Are you sure you don't need a doctor?" he pressed, a line of worry forming in between his brows.

"No, I need rest. It is nothing."

He seemed unconvinced, but after much debate and assurance he sighed and remarked, "I will check on you in the morning." I nodded and he turned to Solas instead, "Assure me she will be safe in your care?"

It almost sounded like a demand, but Solas seemed unoffended and assured him, "I an accomplished mage and healer, she is safe with me."

The ambassador guided the soldiers out and added at the door, "If you need anything, do not hesitate."

I smiled weakly and watched her disappear behind the closed door. When we were finally alone, I had to know the truth. 

"What really happened?" I asked as a strained silence stretched out. 

"You were a demon. It can't be possible. I spoke to you and you understood and changed back. You are lucky I was able to persuade the guards to let me handle it, or who knows what would have become of you or them." He sounded confused and intrigued. 

"It was not a nightmare? I was a demon?" I gasped.

"I am afraid so, but you are not a demon now."

"It was strange. Your fear called to me, but your voice was agonising. Demons suffer more than I knew."

"They prey upon innocents," he chided as if my words were offensive.

"After a time, their minds must become twisted, but at first it feels very different. I wanted to call out to you but I found I couldn’t and your words were like screaming in my mind. I needed it to stop."

"This is a strange insight into the demon mind. How are you feeling now?"

"I feel normal, whatever that is. But I am afraid of hurting someone. My own overwhelming feelings and that of another's was all it took. Can this truly be controlled?"

"I believe it can, part of you heard me and returned. You are not lost even in demon form."

"Your faith is stronger than mine. How did you know it was me? I must have looked monstrous."

"I have not seen a demon act in such a manner. Hesitant and not making idle promises...How do you explain being able to return?"

"I have a confession..." I couldn't meet his gaze.

"Oh, what is it, falon?"

"This has happened before, I thought it a nightmare, but I now know it was real. I shattered the eluvian."

I was awaiting shock, horror or disgust but Solas was silent. I ventured looking up at him and he seemed thoughtful. He sighed heavily before looking at me. Why wasn't he terrified? Only moments ago, I was a demon. 

"I understand you didn't have reason to trust me but I hope now that you will feel you can confide in me."

"Solas, why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Because you aren't a demon, I have seen a good and thoughtful nature I had begun to think lost to this world."

"I don't know what I am." I exclaimed. "My whole life I have never quite fit in and when I finally feel like my feet are on solid ground something happens to knock me off them."

"I assume you are talking about the revelation of your parents. I am sorry I was not as understanding earlier. You must be confused."

"That is an understatement. I thought I knew where I came from… Who am I?”

"I do not know, but I will help you find out. We will train and venture into the fade. There may be answers of some kind there and the Inquisition may have ways to aid you in your search."

Slumped at the edge of the bed I was exhausted from the questions of demons, and the begging and demanding of assurances that I was not one. I had to take my hands from my face several times and look in reflective surfaces to believe that I was truly myself again, whoever that was. The fade could hold answers – it wasn't much but it was enough to draw focus away from my pending panic. Maybe the Ambassador, Spymaster, and Commander could help me find answers in the physical realm? And Zevran probably knew more than he had told me. I took a deep breath and moved closer to Solas who had been sitting beside me patient with all my questions and willing to offer me what assurances he could. My head found his shoulder and a wave of tiredness swept over me, leaving my eyelids heavy. A weight pressed upon my shoulders as Solas' arm encircled me and squeezed my shoulder. "Sleep. I will watch over you," he whispered and my eyelids shut as soon as I stopped resisting the pull of sleep.


	18. The way forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landra unsure how to move forward finds she has no choice as she stumbles with social graces, new facts, and nightmares that are too vivid to be mere dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am thankful to my new beta BriarRose for taking over so far in :)

Startled, I jolt upright, and it takes a moment for me to get my bearings.

 

‘Had it all been a nightmare?’

 

 As I turn, the pain that courses through me dashes my hopes. My eyes begin to water and I grit my teeth throughout the wave of agony. A gasp escapes my quivering lips as I look up and am met with the sight of Solas. His expression seems to be that of concern. A sinking feeling and fleeting memory of wandering the castle to screams confirms my own worst fears; that I had once again taken demonic form. I recall being overwhelmed by fear before taking its form. Now the pain within me is as if my body is trying to recover from the transformation. My muscles are heavy with strain. Each motion is difficult and takes a concentrated effort. Defeated, I drop back down upon the bed and a pained sigh escapes my lips. I turn my head slowly to look at Solas before remarking in a dejected tone, "It was not all a nightmare then?"

 

I knew the answer but I still have a foolish hope that maybe it was just a vivid nightmare. "I am afraid not. It was indeed real. But I believe that with more training you can gain control of this gift."

 

Why does he insist on calling this affliction a gift? No gift should come with such consequence. I just smile weakly, humoring him. Each breath is strained, and I find there is no escaping the pain. Just as there was no escaping the truth. 

 

"I think it is about time we took to the fade," Solas suggested, his expression stern.

 

My eyes widened at the idea of a herd of demons racing toward me. "I thought you said it was too dangerous?"

 

"It is not likely to ever be a safe place for you, or I. There will always be demons. You need to face them and prove to yourself how strong you are.” Tears course down my cheeks. I do not want to see that place again. As if reading my fearful thoughts Solas adds, “I will be with you," to reassure me.

 

"This is madness," I exclaimed.

 

“What would you suggest then?" Solas replies with what sounds like frustration. 

 

“I don’t know,” I exclaim, taking a heavy hand over my eyes as if to hide from it all.

 

I truly had no idea where to start and the fade sounded like the most terrifying place to begin my search for answers. My chest grew tight, the pressure continuing to grow. I had to take deep, painful, shaky breaths to contain the renewed fear.

 

“Falon,” Solas remarked with concern, “I will be there for you.”

 

“I know but…the demons. They will hound me until I become one of them,” I stammered as fresh tears formed in my eyes behind my hand.

 

“They will always hound you. Your gift makes you susceptible to them. They see you as their freedom or their brethren, and you are neither. You will stand against them. I know it is not easy for you. I could never imagine the suffering you have faced but are you truly content to run forever?”

 

His last words seemed to linger in the air and repeat in my mind. I was tired of running; fed up of being afraid. I no longer wanted to be a coward. So I had a choice then. To keep running and hope that I never turned upon any one. Or I could face the demons clamoring to take me and show them I was neither their way out nor their leader.

 

Louder than it had ever been, the disembodied voice rang inside my mind, “You are one of them, why fool yourself.”

 

I growled in frustration and cried, “Shut up, shut up, shut up. I am sick of this, you know nothing of me.” Pulling up cautiously I noticed that Solas appeared shocked by my exclamation, as his wide eyes were now set upon me. “I am sorry,” I stammered, “It’s just that voice inside me telling me…I can’t do this; that, I am dangerous. I am terrified, Solas.”

 

He sighed heavily. “I see, and I hear that in your voice. Do you think I have never known fear?”

 

My eyes widen as I again find it difficult to imagine Solas afraid. Rationally I know he is in many ways alike to the rest of us, and I had sensed his fear briefly. But I still found myself strangely aghast at the idea. I needed him to be the strong one, the unflappable one just as I believed I was the weak one. Maybe I was putting what I needed him to be before whom and what he truly was. “I suppose I need to believe you are fearless as it makes me feel safer.”

 

“I am not fearless. At times I wish it were so…I wish I felt nothing. It would make things easier.”

 

He sounded solemn and lost for a moment, so alone. I didn’t intend to pry but the words escaped before I gave them much thought, “Are you talking about the inquisitor?” His brow furrowed and his glare was stony but the stern expression faded as fast as it had appeared. Like an apparition, the emotion was chased away and a contained, aloof look moved to guise his features. The mask was back in place. “I am sorry, Solas. I didn’t mean to pry or ask the question,” I confessed.

 

“I do not appreciate you invading my privacy,” he remarked with a sharp tone.

 

“I didn’t mean to. I just assumed that is who you were talking about,” I assure him.

 

He shook his head and a gentle smile crossed his lips, he seemed amused. “I would also assume that you do not wish me invade yours and to ask of Alistair.”

 

I was taken aback; was he being satirical? That was unlike him, but it made his point well. I didn’t wish to talk about Alistair. As like so many things in my life, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about it. Everything seemed so unclear. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment as my thoughts briefly turned to Alistair.  “Point taken,” I quipped.

 

The pain seemed to build in an effort to remind me of the true concern. I lay in silence, still for some time. A restless urge led me to want to move but the idea of having to pull up off this bed already made me weary, as I found that just sitting up alone made me light headed. The pain radiated throughout my body. There was a stabbing pain running through my back and a dull ache seeming to reach everywhere else.

 

“You need to heal. When you’re ready, we will take to the fade.” Solas declared.

 

He took my hand and I was bathed in a strange ethereal light. It was warm and soothing. The pain did not go away, but it lessened. Solas gave a gentle smile before releasing my hand and pulling up. “I won’t be long. I need to consult with a friend. You will not be alone,” he assured me before he opened the door and disappeared from my view.

 

I wanted to argue, but I wasn’t able to get the words out. I did not want to be alone. I looked down what I could see of the bereft hallway from the door that Solas had left ajar. How odd. Suddenly Alistair came into view, and for a moment he looked bemused with his hand outstretched as if he was about to knock only to find the door already ajar. It was as if Solas had heard Alistair approaching. Alistair waved awkwardly and stepped in cautiously. He pulled the door closed behind him. “I couldn’t sleep, I was concerned about you. So I wanted to come see how you were doing. How do you feel?”

 

The pace of his speech was fast and his gaze is unwavering. I smile and grit my teeth, “Still in pain. I don’t know what happened? It was all so fast,” I confess.

 

This way, I was at least being honest with him. He sat beside me and placed his hand over mine as if in reflex. It is comforting, feeling the warmth of his hand upon mine. And to not have to see terror in his eyes is nice. As I fear if he knew the truth, that would all change. I didn’t want people to fear me. The voice strange voice in my mind once more became insistent, choosing to whisper, “You are dangerous.”

 

I took a deep, heavy breath, feeling the sting of fresh tears in my eyes. This cruel voice was playing upon my fears. Sometimes, I felt strong enough to dismiss it but at others, I worried it was the only true thing in my life. I was destined for nothing but doom and destruction. It was as if it knew when I was weary and sought those moments to bring me down to my knees. Alistair’s voice pulls me free of my deepening reverie as he pleads with wide eyes, “Landra, What can I do? I have healers on staff and I am sure the empress has healers.”

 

I am comforted by his concern but I want as few people involved in this as possible, so I state, “Solas worked wonders…I just need to rest.”

 

His eyes narrow as he adds, “If you are sure?” I nod. He continues, “It’s early and the talks won’t begin for an hour. I could stay…to watch over you.”

 

It was tempting but I had already caused him enough trouble so I tell him, “No, I don’t wish to tarnish your reputation any further, please.”

 

He appears amused as he replies, “I can’t see how being gallant and taking care of an injured woman could tarnish my ever so wonderful reputation,” I almost smile, but I shake my head slowly. This didn’t seem to deter him as he pressed, “Do this for me, to ease my mind. If I am not sure that you’re ok I won’t be able to concentrate.”

 

“That’s hardly fair, Alistair.”

 

“Well, you know us kings don’t always play fair. And I promise no funny businesses. I just want to ease my conscience.”

 

“It wasn’t your fault, Alistair. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”

 

“I wasn’t fast enough. By the time I got there, you looked so shaken, pale and fragile. I am sorry you had to suffer. I could have done more,” his voice cracked upon the last few words which left me wondering if this was only about me but I didn’t press him. So I replied, “If it will put your mind at ease.”

 

I was expecting him to take a seat beside the bed and interrogate me about last night’s events but instead he asked, “Is it ok if I just lay back a moment?”

 

I know I should say no, but I find myself nodding lightly. Watching him ease back on to the bed, he closes his eyes for a moment and sighs heavily.  I remain rigid beside him. The ache returns while I remain tense, wondering if I should pull away and lie back. Alistair seems to sense my discomfort as he opens his eyes lazily and says, “You can…if you want to that is, use me as your pillow. Despite his armor it still sounds like a comforting offer. I slowly press my head upon his breastplate. It is cold against my cheek and I need to breathe through the pain until it becomes bearable. I find comfort in the warmth of his arms as they pull around me. I close my eyes, and I know I should have protested but I feel so at ease and safe in his arms.

 

A loud knock stirs me from a deep slumber. Groggy, I struggle to pull free of the clutches of sleep. Alistair is asleep beside me. He must have dozed off too. That realization, coupled with the sharp pain, shocked me awake. He was going to be late, and this could get him in trouble. At least in my delicate state people would, I hope, go easy on me, but not poor Alistair. His only crime he was being considerate. I hope he will manage to charm his way out of any repercussions, should there be any. He looks so peaceful I almost feel cruel nudging him awake. Alistair jolts up and gasps in panicked manner, “Maker’s breath.”

 

I am amused, and then taken back, when he kisses me softly on the forehead before he dashes past the Ambassador whose mouth is agape. So many people coming and going has my head in a spin. The Ambassador looked ready to scold me but one look at me seems to make her think better of it, as her stern expression relaxes. “How are you feeling?” she asks.

 

“Tired, it’s as if all my energy was taken from me.”

 

She looks at me with what I hope is concern; pity is the last thing I want or need. As if a thought just occurs to her, she remarks, “I can ask one of the servants to make you this reviving tea once the talks break for lunch. It’s an old family recipe. Works wonders, and it tastes divine.”

 

“Thank you, Ambassador,” I say in a strained voice.

 

It occurs to me that in my current state I could perhaps garnish some sympathy and aid that might not otherwise be available to me. So I press, “May I ask you something?”

 

“Of course,” the ambassador smiles gently but her eyes become wary.

 

“I need to find…someone. Is it possible for you, to help me with that?” I ask tentatively.

 

I know I am being vague and it appears to put her on edge as she visibly tenses and replies, “It depends whom. I have connections and could make inquiries but Leliana may be more useful in such an endeavor.”

 

Her eyes narrow and lock upon me while she waits for me to tell her more. I sigh and close my eyes tightly through a new wave of pain. Gritting my teeth, I take my time to recover myself before I look back up at the ambassador. “I need someone to find my parents…it has been some time since I have seen them,” I confess sadly.

 

“Oh…” she sounds surprised and relieved all at once, “I will gladly help you with that once the talks are concluded.”

 

I smile weakly and add, “Thank you. I appreciate it, truly.”

 

I wasn’t sure if they were alive and didn’t know how I would feel seeing them after all this time should they still live. I had been angry for so long; feeling as though they had abandoned me. And to discover that I was not their own child, had raked up so many new and confusing emotions. Now, I had no idea how I would react. Every step that brought me closer to knowing whom I was only seemed to bring up more questions. The ambassador smiled and remarked as my head began to loll forward, “I shall let you rest.”

 

I smile weakly and look at her through hooded eyes. She leaves and closes the door silently behind her. I lay back and closed my eyes willing the thoughts into the blackness of sleep.

 

When I stirred again, the sun was beginning to fade. As I pulled up my head and looked over, I noticed a mug upon the table beside the bed. After a moment, I recall what the ambassador had promised, and assume it has to be the tea she spoke of. I was hopeful that it truly had the properties she mentioned, as I couldn’t be confined to this bed for days with all these questions running through my mind; it would drive me to madness. It all left me restless, despite my exhaustion. I needed to do something other than rest idle, and torture myself with unanswerable questions. And I feared, that in this strange silence, the voice would return and continue to chip away at the little confidence I had begun to gain through Solas’ teachings.

 

I drag myself upright and hiss with each movement to reach for the mug. The sweet honeyed scent hits my senses as I draw the mug to my lips. I knew it wasn’t hot, as I couldn’t feel any heat on the mug, but still I sipped it cautiously to test the taste. It tastes smooth, if a little tart, but it is still a pleasant taste. I always had had a sweet tooth. It was refreshing, but given the extent of my transformation I doubted it could do much beyond soothing my dry and raw throat. The restless fluttering in my chest seemed renewed by the knowledge that I could be confined to this bed until my body began to cooperate with me. Solas’ healing had made the pain bearable; but a strange sensation had taken me. Leaving me feeling as if my body was no longer my own: that I am drifting. It was like stepping outside of my body, standing there in horror as an observer. What or who was trying to take over?

 

I slip further away until the distance finally shocks me into action and I find that each step back towards my body is taxing, but I push through. I gasp as if breaking through water, pulling up and I find myself aware of each ache in every muscle. The weight upon my joints leaves me breathless but I don’t want to wait for this horrible feeling to return to me. I shift myself to the edge of the bed feeling the cold of the ground upon my feet. It was something so simple but I was unsure if I would be able to stand. Still, I forced myself up.  I was a little shaky at first, but I managed to walk to the door, and as I pulled it open I realized I had no idea where I was planning on going. I just needed to be anywhere but that room. As I stepped out in to the corridor I found guards on either side of my room and in my haze I wondered if they were here to protect me or if they were there to protect the others in palace from me. But there was no way of them knowing, was there?

 

I didn’t get far before my legs gave way and I found myself upon the ground with the guards looking down upon me, exclaiming, “Get a healer.”

 

The second man was looking me in the eye. “Look at me. Focus upon me. Are you in any pain?”

 

He sounded as if he had dealt with this many times before. It was a small comfort. It felt like I was lying there for hours before another showed up. I could hear them say, “She just keeled over.”

 

I can see Solas looking down upon me with a knitted brow, “What were you thinking? You shouldn’t be out of bed.”

 

I wanted to say something but I felt my words fail me. My entire body wasn’t functioning, I felt trapped. Tears course down my temples as one of the guards lifts me from the cold ground and takes me back into that room. I wanted to cry out but I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t understand why I was suffering so much this time, or what made this transformation different. It was mere conjecture to assume that the control I had, and the clear and vivid memory of my demonic change now connected me to this pain now wracking my body.

 

Solas thanked the guards and asked them to leave us, assuring them that I was in good hands. He proceeded to heal me, despite looking tired himself. He drew energy from the veil around us and warmth enveloped me; it soothed the pain and brought me back slowly. I could move only my fingers at first and then my toes. It was a miracle I managed to remain calm, but I only did so by focusing upon one thing at a time. When I finally managed to croak and form a sentence, I looked up at Solas. “Something is trying to take me over. I need my strength back. I want to fight this. Will you help me?” I asked, voice hoarse.

 

“Of course,” Solas replied without hesitation.

 

I took a deep breath and was glad to find it no longer hurt to breath, which had to mean I was healing. “Solas?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Can you ask…I think his name was Zevran, to see me? I wish to speak with him.”

 

He raised an eyebrow quizzically but he nodded and added, “I will, after you get some rest. I will continue to heal you after my mana is replenished. You are lucky such a change did not cause permanent damage.”

 

I knew he was right but the real damage had been to my mind more than my body. The feeling of control slipping from me was terrifying but I refused to drift away. I had to fight this. No longer would I run.

 

Sleep may have gone some way to restoring the body but my mind was more shaken then ever. What I could only assume was a memory of my demonic form was brought back to life in a vivid nightmare.

 

_I found myself in the empress’s room watching her from the shadows. She wasn’t aware of me and she was wringing her hands while dismissing her servants._

_“Yes. You need to be alone,” I whispered into the ether. It was then that the fear began to radiate from her. She was looking at herself in a mirror, but she couldn’t see me. I was a shadow. The empress was wracked with fear, so much so, that I could almost taste it. I reached out to her with my clawed hands ready to stop the gnawing within me.. My voice was smooth and low, lulling her to me as I spoke in her mind. “Do not resist me. Let me take this burden from you.”_

_She began to weep and her tears heightened my senses; and my need. “I know you suffer. You do not need to. I want to help you,” I compelled her. These promises were insidious forms of truth, as I would take her fear to strengthen myself. To feed this painful need I felt. I could sense that she was weakening, that the barrier holding me from her was falling. I reached out to take her._

 

I jolted awake. Sweat clung to me as I looked around the room, hoping for confirmation it had only been a nightmare. Before the guards cornered me, had I taken to the empress’s rooms to take her fear? The idea turned my stomach. My eyes slowly focused upon Solas sitting across from my bed.

 

“Did I leave this room?” I cried.

 

“No, but you have been restless for some time. Nightmares?”

 

“Yes, that’s all it was.” I took a deep breath and sighed heavily with relief. So I had not turned again, taking to those in the palace. But still, this was troubling.

 

I had to take action, and I needed to remain in someone’s company until I felt strong enough to fight on my own.


End file.
